To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

Never in my life have I thought that my personal preferences should affect how other people get married. Choose what you want for your wedding and let others do the same. If you don’t like it, don’t go.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think everyone should boycott these child free weddings

Trouble is, I don't think it would make much of an impact. The vast majority of people would rather attend a wedding without their children and have a nice child free day and evening. There might be the odd parent who takes umbrage at not being able to impose their kids on others but not enough of them that they'd be missed.

You are within your rights to think it’s selfish
You aren’t alone in that.

If it’s not convenient for you don’t go.

I'm with you!

We had a child free wedding. We now have two children. No regrets. I’d do it again without a second thought.

With that kind of attitude I’d rather you weren’t there regardless of your relation.

Good, I'm pleased.

I hate this crap that a wedding is all about the bride and groom with zero consideration of anyone else. What's the point in even having guests if you don't take their comfort into consideration? You wouldn't hold any other social event without caring about your guests (actually maybe you would!)

Posting nasty messages to other people is what's pathetic.

What's with all the how dare you have your wedding how you want and not think of me posts a lately? Like how entitled are you?

If you want to spit your dummy out then don't go. But don't chastise someone for having a child free wedding as it inconveniences you.

Their day, their say.

And I'm someone who never wants to get married!

I do not think you can refuse, but you can define, politely.

What does 'selfish' even mean here?

It reminds me of all the Covid discussions. People delighted in calling others 'selfish'.

This is the bride and groom's day. They are paying for the event. Obviously their first priority is making it the sort of day they want, not what various guests might want. Although frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if the majority prefer a child free wedding even if they have their own children.

Why shouldn't you be 'selfish' when planning one of the biggest days of your life?

Yanbu to decline, just explain you have no childcare and wish them a lovely day

however yabu to think it’s all about Pinterest. I hate social media but still had a child free day because for me it’s about being about enjoying the day without distractions and chaos and in particular wanted a really meaningful moment for my ceremony and saying vows etc, I did not want it disturbed by kids, even if they were just giggling or making little noises, it just ruins the seriousness of the moment for me. Worse again if they’re screaming and have to get dragged out

I’m surprised that so many people have voted that YABU. I think this is one of those occasions where no one is being unreasonable. They can choose what they want for their wedding. You can choose not to attend if it doesn’t suit you.

When planning a wedding it’s up to you how much you consider the desires/practicality of your guests. They have made a choice which is impractical for you. They will (or should) already know that some people won’t attend on that basis. Presumably they are ok with that.

My impression is that the OP is close to her cousins.

I'm getting the impression you think their decision is about you. It's not.

I've never been married but I've been to weddings with and without children and the whole vibe is different without them, more relaxed, more about the adults having fun.

?
are you advocating for cat invites? 🤣

actually on that subject I wonder what would happen with all the emotional support animals people need these days. Plus the dogs that just can’t be left home alone.
Im surprised there hasn’t been a wedding thread on this

If you feel hurt you feel hurt, it is what it is. You feeling hurt does not mean they’ve done anything wrong though, and nor is it something they’re obliged to remedy.

Your wish to take your children, and/or your unwillingness to use childcare, is not something you should expect them to alter their wedding to accommodate.

Some people want their wedding to be an adult event and having children changes the tone. There's nothing wrong with that at all.

YABU.

OP used the word ‘selfish’

She has the right to think what she wants.

I know someone who had her two dogs at her wedding last year.

Mine is that she is not. Or they would have realised she'd go mad about it.

It's their day, her kids, who are one of the bridal party's first cousins once removed so not close relatives in my book, just aren't wanted at their wedding. And that's fine. As said, she could go and their dad can look after them.

Oh, she can think what she wants. Sure. I very much doubt her cousin cares however.

Indeed, as has been suggested above, he's probably secretly relieved she won't be attending his selfish wedding.

You seem fixated that they need to change their wishes for their wedding to accommodate your perception on what a wedding should be.

They can choose to celebrate with family members they are close to. Your reaction is very clearly demonstrating why then went straight to the non negotiable. Family events are different to adult only events. That vibe switches as soon as you add any children (bar those under 12 weeks old with very sensible parents).

Venue licence requirements change. Seating arrangements change. Space required change. Acceptable speech content changes.

Yes, in your view it excludes you because you can’t arrange child care or do something without the rest of your immediate family. Your view excludes them from having their wedding the way they want it. If you want a child friendly family get together that’s on you to organise. Not them to organise via their wedding.

Here’s the dictionary definition

Obviously both the bride and groom by this dictionary definition could be considered selfish

Not selfish, no. What's really selfish is people bringing young children along to a wedding, getting on the vino at the 'afterparty' then expecting others to watch their kids! Have seen it happy time and again.

Pretty sure this is why they will have opted for a childfree wedding - nothing remotely to do with 'aesthetics' and 'Pinterest'.

However, if you want to turn down the invite for whatever reason, that's your prerogative. But do remember it IS an invite NOT a summons...

If the invitation stated it was a stand up buffet in a techno club, I would agree that B&G really need to reconsider their guests comfort.

But preferring an adult only occasion for just one day isn't the misdeed you seem to think it is.

Personally I think weddings should be about family and friends celebrating with the couple, and if those family and friends have children, then they should be invited too. It's not an adult party imo, its a family celebration. And it's mean to invite someone knowing they won't be able to come as they don't have childcare.

We invited children to ours - admittedly there were only about 5 of them. They were no trouble as their parents parented them.

But weddings these days seem to have morphed into something where style is considered more important than substance.

So I do think it is unreasonable. If people want a wedding, they should consider their guests as well as their own desires.