To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

Well this has made an interesting read.
Im old. I’m of the generation where children were always invited to the wedding but were ‘seen and not heard’. I’ve been to weddings recently where people’s children ruined the day - crying, screaming (seriously, why don’t their parents take them outside?) . There seems to be a mentality these days of ‘everybody loves my children’. Sorry - they don’t .
When my daughter decided she wanted a child-free wedding I went along with it. She could afford to invite 60 guests. Inviting children would have added 29 more. Needless to say they weren’t invited and we all had a great day!

Not remotely comparable to making a nasty comment directly to a poster. Doesn't make you big or clever.

Why do you think it’s about photos? Children change the vibe of a wedding-not in a worse or better way, just different. Each to their own

I personally think weddings are about bringing together families and that includes children. That they are opportunities for children to learn about our traditions and culture and the importance of family.

However if someone decides they don’t value that then up to them. I would silently judge their priorities, but it would be unlikely to be a surprise for them.

If not convenient decline politely.

OP’s free to plan around her own preferences any time she’s planning an evening out, at someone else’s wedding and fully paid for meal it’s not really about what she prefers.

Well you would hardly have grounds for complaint!

🐈

You're being ridiculous. Fine not to go, but they shouldn't work their celebration around you specifically - it's their day, not yours.

To be fair, a wedding is much more fun with your friends than with other people’s children.

You could say it's equally selfish for you to throw a bit of strop by not attending, just because they haven't invited your children.

It's not that you "genuinely can't make childcare work" - you have several options, you would simply prefer not to go over the childcare options available to you. Your choice is valid, but it is a choice, not something that's being forced on you.

@WeAllHaveWings That they are opportunities for children to learn about our traditions and culture and the importance of family.
However if someone decides they don’t value that then up to them. I would silently judge their priorities

Why would your children learning about culture and traditions by of my priorities when planning and paying for a wedding? 😂

It really is her choice. Weddings cost guests a lot of money. "Fully paid for meal" - don't make me laugh, probably not a fraction of the expenditure of attending!

A decent host on an occasion should care about their guests' preferences.

YABU. Why are you making their wedding all about you. Feel its unfair? Don't go.

I don’t do anything “non-negotiable” on principle.

Saucer of milk for Small.

There has to be a cut off. It’s that simple. It’s not personal so don’t make it to be so. You make way more out of this than it is.

as many others have said - YANBU to not attend - just don’t go. The bride and groom would have factored into their decision that this may mean that some parents don’t attend - but they’ve gone ahead with it anyway.

But YABU for being so judgemental about their wedding and expecting them to put parents’ needs/ wants above their own on their wedding day.
there has been another childfree wedding thread on here this week - perhaps read a few of the comments on there about this too.

I agree. I never would have assumed I was included in a wedding invite sent to my parents - formal events were adult occasions more often than not. The recent development is having to declare weddings “child-free” because people now think that children should go everywhere and not inviting them to something is akin to “excluding” their parents. It’s also far more common now for parents to not use or cultivate any childcare options/relationships beyond (maybe) their own parents, so asking parents to find childcare if they want to go to an event is now putting this unreasonable burden on them instead of just being a routine part of having children.

👜 👜 at dawn!

This. Although I have kids of my own now I couldn't think of anything worse than celebrating with other people's kids on my own wedding day. Just not what I wanted to be doing tbh. No kids were invited - including my cousin's kids. He didn't come- I was fine with that (and would much prefer for him not to come at all than to come with his kids, who were and still are horrendously badly behaved). Maybe they feel that way about you and your kids - maybe not. Either way, their wedding, their money, their choice. Anyone who judges amd criticises that is ridiculous.

Oh for pity's sake do your cousin a favour and decline the invitation.

You are insufferable, you really are. It doesn't matter how reasonable the other side has been presented to you, nothing removes you and your kids and wants from the centre of this.

I had a child free wedding. Now that I have children myself, I'd love to be invited to a child free wedding so I can leave the kids and husband at home!

As much as I love my kids, and my family's kids, weddings are much more relaxing without them.

You sound more entitled than the OP

A wedding is about the preference of the hosts not the guests. If people are invited to join them in their celebration and they accept then that’s great, if they can’t or won’t then they don’t go and that’s fine too

Anyone who has a level of entitlement about someone else’s event is pretty pathetic in my book and I would be glad that they declined

I agree. Utter madness!

I much prefer a child free wedding. I completely understand why people don’t want to invite children, especially when they’re often the offspring of a cousin that you haven’t seen since Great Aunt Hilda’s funeral in 2012. An average wedding guest can cost £100+ now. If you can trim 25 (child) guests from your budget, you’re saving thousands. It’s a no brainer.