New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

[innersilentscreams]

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat).
I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support!

He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety.

Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse.

He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

It's so much easier for this type of man to bully you in person. Be very wary of meeting him. Remember he moved in without your agreement once.

Agree that his use of the word 'mediate' in relation to children is another red flag. Not many 'mediators' shout and flounce off either.

It will get easier. Stay firm and strong.

It is not about what he thinks there is to discuss and too much to message but how you feel.
This weekend relaxing in your nice clean house, with your relaxed cat, sipping your spritzer and the sun is shining. What a contrast to what you have been putting up with. Nothing and no one should be upsetting your peace of mind.

He has had chances to intervene over the years and has done nothing. Even if he has every intention of laying down the law with the kids now and telling them in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is wrong (which I don't believe he would do) and I don't think they would listen to - it is too little, too late.

Time for him to take his gaslighting, bullshitting self and sort out some long term accommodation for him and his feral kids.

I know the shocking feeling.
(In a situation at a lower level than yours, a colleague messing things up and being nasty instead of apologising.)

Glad your mum is now acknowledging he's an arse and a shitty parent to boot.

I wouldn't meet up with him to discuss any of this. You're done. Rightfully so. And I would be making sure any joint money is 'safe' and you get your portion back sooner rather than later.

Glad you and your cat are enjoying the peace OP.

Don't agree to meet him, there is absolutely no need to! All that needs doing is his and the kids stuff returning to them, but even that you don't need to interact with him face to face.

I bet he's realising he's shot himself in the foot, and yet he STILL Won't apologise or acknowledge his crappy lack of parenting or his kids behaviour.

I can't remember if you did but I'm hoping you blocked his access of your video doorbell.

I understand completely what you said about taking it slow personally. Just resting, reflecting and enjoying the peace is absolutely spot on for now.

I'm glad your mum seems to be understanding things better now.
Also glad that you are staying strong and not letting him wheedle his way back.

I'm going to treat myself to this over the summer! Sounds amazing!

Now have an ambition to try a Limoncello spritzer.

Your ex is clearly still doing everything he can to avoid taking responsibility for the behaviour of his children.

This will come back and bite him in the bum. I mean, they've barely got started.

It will not, however, be your problem. Well done, OP.

Dear @innersilentscreams

I’ve just read all your posts on the first thread and this one and wanted to say that you have absolutely, 100% without doubt done the right thing.

Please please please don’t let this stupid, selfish man child back into your life.

The behaviour you described is completely unacceptable and his total lack of parenting will never change. If he really wanted to protect his time with them he would get a court order so his ex couldn’t weaponise them.

This episode has shown you everything you need to know about him and how he views you and your home. Never let him back.

You can split the joint monies very simply and easily but please prioritise this as you don’t want him draining accounts. Move your portion quickly.

No point meeting him as there is nothing to discuss. He will just use it as a chance to try to manipulate and guilt trip you. Same with calls and texts. Just ignore as much as you can.

Once he realises you are serious and he is stuck at his parents and they are freaking out trying to get rid of him and his kids he will massively up the ante. So get organised asap and get ahead of the game. Expect fake illness or emergencies as well as emotions and abuse - all the usual narcissistic nonsense.

Enjoy your freedom and your lovely cat - you deserve to be happy. And you CAN be happy without this loser 🌸

I'm so glad you've stuck to your guns and that your mum has now started to be supportive.

I am so pleased you are staying strong,
He is a absolute tool and you sound lovely.

Glad your mum has seen the light and hopefully be more supportive.

Wanted to add that after my divorce my mum set me up on a blind date as she was desperate that I wouldn't end up 'on the shelf'🙄.

The following day I explained that whilst he seemed lovely he really was not my type, her reply "Well you're not Kylie Minogue yourself so cant afford to be too fussy".

This inherent need to see your daughter 'settled' came a cost to some of us.

Please now your worth and you are worth a whole lot more than this loser.

He cannot even acknowledge his own appalling behaviour let alone that of his offspring.

You should be extremely proud of yourself.

@twoshedsjacksonCats before Twats would make a great user name.

well done OP, am delighted to find this thread and your first update. I’ve been wondering how you were getting on. Off to read more and hopefully find him still booted to the kerb.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a divorced man not in possession of his own home is in dire want of a partner with one. This need is even more pressing when he has children.

He clearly does not care for you. Please do not allow these users and abusers back into your life.

No offence to you OP, but I give it 6 months at the most before he finds another 'nanny with a fanny'. I'd never heard that or 'cats before twats' before the first thread!

Six months? You've got half term at the end of May and then school breaks up around the 22nd July until September. He's going to need to get cracking on his Project: Palm off sooner than that.

I agree that you should move your portion of any joint accounts out asap, as once he realises he’s not getting back in, he will do whatever he can to hurt you, and finances are an easy target.

True!

Limoncello and tonic is my summer tipple. So nice and refreshing and much lighter than a g&t which is my go to drink.

I raise a 🍸to you @innersilentscreams for upholding your values and wish you a more relaxing time to come

Oh I need to try that - I love limoncello! I had a limoncello gelato served in a lemon in Rome last year and it was divine! I'm a G&T woman!

I have a bottle of lemoncello in my fridge for easily 10 years that my husband brought back from italy. I'm not thst fond of it, but the bottle is so pretty.
I am a G&T woman too and am so going to try it with tonic, thank you.

Anyone try the Beefeater bitter orange gin?
Or Seville orange gin?

Absolutely delicious with lime slices, tonic water or elderflower tonic water.
A fabulous aperitif that our friend gave us recently which instantly won me over.

Oh an Malfy's grapefruit gin is delicious too, as is their orange gin. Very pretty bottle too.

This is gaslighting, right?

'I didn't walk out on you, I left because you said yes when I offered, it's as simple as that. If you'd said you didn't want me to move out, I'd have seen you that night after dropping the boys back at their mum's.'

'I didn't make you "wait" for an apology, I've been waiitng a few days because it seemed you needed space and time to think. I've been messaging you a little bit to let you know that I still love you and am thinking about you.'

'I'm 99.99% certain I apologised on Sun morning when you were getting upset again and saying all the stuff, cos I always say sorry when you're upset.'

These were all sent last night.

I didn't respond to them.

Would just like to have objective eyes cast over them, because in my exhausted and sad state (though healing), they are playing tricks on my brain.

I would say this is entirely to be expected now he realises how badly he's fucked up and will be going down the DARVO route.

Don't get into conversation or try to reason with him/get him to see your POV. You've had enough. You are allowed to be done, and a line has been drawn. Personally I'd get his/their stuff back to them somehow, then block.

Yes, it seems like he’s twisting what happened (you were very clear he left in an argument and it wasn’t his idea to give you space). Plus his argument that somehow if he had apologised that would have in any way meant you would be prevented from time and space to think is just bizarre? Like he did you a favour not saying sorry?

Instead of being somehow proud he “always says sorry when you’re upset” how about he focus on, I don’t know… NOT upsetting you?!

So he’s acknowledging that the behaviours have repeatedly made you upset. His solution is to grudgingly apologise.

He is just desperate not to lose your support in looking after and housing him and his rude offspring.

I think at this stage I would tell him point blank that it’s over, so he needs to get a wriggle on in lining up some other poor fucker to be the mug.