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Original poster

New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

383 replies

innersilentscreams · 03/04/2025 05:55

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat).
I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support!

He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety.

Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse.

He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
MoominMai · 05/04/2025 16:31

innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 12:01

And forgot to add, bagging up all their belongings today.

My mum has messaged, saying she has hoped we would have talked and sorted it out by now. That kids make relationships hard.

I said it isn't the kids, it's his lack of parenting and then walking out, as well as anger, that is the reason we are where we are.

I feel like I keep saying the same thing to both mum and my ex- that it's about the disrespect and then my feelings being minimised and dismissed. My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, so I have sat and read through my entire first thread.

He did excuse them, didn't offer solutions, but immediately said he wouldn't bring them round ever again, plus was packing his bags too (in the morning). Those things actually happened.

So he has messaged asking for us to talk this weekend. Still no apology. NO acknowledgement of what happened-which I pointed out.

His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.

He said he 'wasn't being dismissive' did validate my feelings (!) but 'also tried to be a mediator by saying the boys are just kids'.

Feel a bit like my head is going to explode.

It’s irrationally irritating to me your ex keeps avoiding apologising and defaulting to repeating he was ‘mediating’. Someone needs to direct to him to a dictionary! He has done no such thing. If he had actually mediated then you wouldn’t be apart now ffs!

BetterWithPockets · 05/04/2025 16:38

innersilentscreams · 04/04/2025 17:12

Ok I actually clicked on the Bored Panda article (I am finding it mental that both the Daily Mail and Bored Panda have picked my inner silent screams up...bit terrified I am more outed but it is what it is).

After screenshots of my original post they have summarised below:

From what OP tells us, we certainly think she’s better off without her ignorant partner and his rude and unruly kids in her life. Perhaps now she can peacefully pick up the pieces and rediscover a life worth living free of constant disrespect.
What would you do if you found yourself in OP’s shoes? Do you think she was being unreasonable, or is enough enough? Let us know your opinion in the comments!

I have yet to read the comments but I am blown away by just how unaminous everyone has been, and how much I really was putting up with, when it was constantly excused and minimised.

Just scrubbed my floors, hoovered, and am about to relax with a lovely limencello spritzer. Still staying strong!

Cheers to all x

Missing the point, I know — but a limoncello spritzer! I love the sound of this!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 05/04/2025 16:46

@innersilentscreams - some mothers can be absolutely dreadful about men for their daughters - even a no-good unemployed narcissist is better than no man at all for some of them, so please, don’t take any notice of what your own mother is saying to you about this, she is just plain WRONG!
Like others, I am finding the timing of his latest attempts to meet up with you extremely suspicious - term broke up yesterday in England, didn’t it? Where are those delightfully pleasant, polite, well-behaved boys going to stay during his “parenting” time with them, if not at your place, where he lets them get away with doing anything they like without caring that they upset you?
Please, stick to your guns, there is nothing to discuss, just get rid of everything of his and his sons and carry on looking after yourself in your own home, living your life the way you want to.

PullTheBricksDown · 05/04/2025 16:52

Mediating is also what's done between adults on the same level. Not with kids who you have authority over and responsibility for. He really does not want to do any parenting.

chattyness · 05/04/2025 16:55

Don't give in to his demands to talk, he will try and wheedle his way back into your affections probably with some love bombing and before you know it you'll be right back where you were. He'll be walking all over you again along with his disrespectful kids.
Stay strong hold the line & don't let him cross back over it.

Pedallleur · 05/04/2025 17:03

He was living the dream as were his children. Let your mother take them in and enjoy the chaos,debris and snot. As others have said, schools out so now it's all on him. If you let him back it will all be different until it isn't. Enjoy your quiet time, sounds well deserved.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 05/04/2025 17:06

Wow... just read the first thread. That's not 'normal' for many children, nor 'how kids are these days', unless you want to have an addendum of '...unless their parents are shit.'

I wonder if parenting styles go in a cycle from harsh to over lenient, and if we're nearing the end of it and will soon see a return to people being somewhat draconian, just to recover some kind of societal order.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 05/04/2025 17:10

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 05/04/2025 16:09

Easter holidays coming up. Expect him to pull out all the stops to not be managing his dc alone for 2 weeks...

And this, with bells on! Utter dickhead.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/04/2025 17:11

innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 12:01

And forgot to add, bagging up all their belongings today.

My mum has messaged, saying she has hoped we would have talked and sorted it out by now. That kids make relationships hard.

I said it isn't the kids, it's his lack of parenting and then walking out, as well as anger, that is the reason we are where we are.

I feel like I keep saying the same thing to both mum and my ex- that it's about the disrespect and then my feelings being minimised and dismissed. My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, so I have sat and read through my entire first thread.

He did excuse them, didn't offer solutions, but immediately said he wouldn't bring them round ever again, plus was packing his bags too (in the morning). Those things actually happened.

So he has messaged asking for us to talk this weekend. Still no apology. NO acknowledgement of what happened-which I pointed out.

His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.

He said he 'wasn't being dismissive' did validate my feelings (!) but 'also tried to be a mediator by saying the boys are just kids'.

Feel a bit like my head is going to explode.

Ugh.

He's pissed off he hasn't got somewhere to take them (and a woman to palm them off on) over Easter, isn't he?

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 17:14

Stick to your guns. You're well rid. This isn't going to change and it's never going to get better. I don't know what is wrong with your mum. She's being an arse. Is there someone else you can talk to?

If you were my DD I would want to kick his arse to kingdom come!

diddl · 05/04/2025 17:27

Your mum winding me up as much as him!

Of course kids make relationships hard.

Especially when one isn't allowed to parent & the other cba!

It's really shit that she doesn't want better for you Op.

Being single is better than being with a useless shit.

Learnt that from my Grandmother who was born in 1907.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 05/04/2025 17:28

Do you feel you have anything to talk about about? If you don’t then don’t agree to meet up. He walked out, you accepted that. The end.

Arrange for his stuff to be collected (if possible be out and have someone else in so you don’t have to hear all the bullshit). Otherwise what else is there is to discuss.

Bigcat25 · 05/04/2025 17:30

Op said they have bank accounts to divide.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/04/2025 17:37

Don't talk to him Op, he doesn't want to be reasonable, he wants to say boys will be boys and you're making a fuss over nothing.If he really, genuinely can't see that his DC are behaving dreadfully then nothing you can say will make him see the truth. Text him practical stuff only, nothing else, here's your stuff, end of, no more

TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 17:38

AlertCat · 05/04/2025 13:43

Also I would keep anything formal (investments etc) in writing, because gaslighters rely on there being no evidence of what they said or didn’t say. Keep it to eMails.

Yes, make sure there is an email trail.

TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 17:45

“What is motivating him right now. IMO, in order of importance to him:

  1. moving out of his parents house
  2. not having to pay rent on suitable flat for him with
  3. Not having to furnish. Cook & clean his flat”
Exactly this. He just had to be a decent parent and he wouldn’t be in this situation. There is no need to meet up. Everything can be done by email. Stay strong @innersilentscreams.
Original poster
innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 17:48

Good news: My mum has come round and is now agreeing he is in the wrong and his anger and dismissal is indeed a red flag. She has said if I am worried about him then to stay with them for a weekend. Also said he is being a stubborn twat because he sees his kids' behaviour as acceptable.

So at least there's that x

OP posts:
Original poster
innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 17:50

PullTheBricksDown · 05/04/2025 16:52

Mediating is also what's done between adults on the same level. Not with kids who you have authority over and responsibility for. He really does not want to do any parenting.

Good point!

OP posts:
Stravaig · 05/04/2025 17:51

Your mother doesn't sound like a very healthy influence in your life. I'd keep a reflective eye out for clues as to how you came to accept life with this man as normal and good.

Cross-post : That sounds a bit better from Mum.

Original poster
innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 17:51

BetterWithPockets · 05/04/2025 16:38

Missing the point, I know — but a limoncello spritzer! I love the sound of this!

Show quote history

It is so so nice! Slightly lighter percentage wise than gin. I also like it with just tonic too.

OP posts:
Meanwhile33 · 05/04/2025 17:53

Oh that’s good news about your mum! She’s probably impressed with you for standing up for yourself even if it’s not her style to tell you that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/04/2025 17:58

That’s great news your mum can see your pov! And is willing to protect you if needed.

FreeRider · 05/04/2025 18:13

Have to agree that parents do not 'mediate' with their below 18 year old children - they should be the authority and should also expect the children to obey their rules. Nothing you wanted the children to do was so unreasonable and your ex (and I hope he remains your ex) is deluded to think otherwise. At the end of the day, it's your fucking house!

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 05/04/2025 18:16

I'm glad your mum has seen sense

TokyoKyoto · 05/04/2025 18:22

You are doing so great OP.

Agree that he wants to meet so he can charm you. All there is to discuss is a bit of financial stuff/the techie stuff like his surveillance camera and app. You don't need to do that in person. If he presses you, you say "My main problem is you're not parenting your children. What is there to discuss? It isn't anything I can change, clearly."