Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

383 replies

innersilentscreams · 03/04/2025 05:55

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat).
I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support!

He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety.

Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse.

He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Birdseyetrifle · 05/04/2025 14:57

He’s realising his easy, cheap life is going. Stay strong. I’ve got a 15 year old and they are shits big no way would he be allowed to be that disrespectful in someone else’s home.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 05/04/2025 14:58

innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 12:01

And forgot to add, bagging up all their belongings today.

My mum has messaged, saying she has hoped we would have talked and sorted it out by now. That kids make relationships hard.

I said it isn't the kids, it's his lack of parenting and then walking out, as well as anger, that is the reason we are where we are.

I feel like I keep saying the same thing to both mum and my ex- that it's about the disrespect and then my feelings being minimised and dismissed. My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, so I have sat and read through my entire first thread.

He did excuse them, didn't offer solutions, but immediately said he wouldn't bring them round ever again, plus was packing his bags too (in the morning). Those things actually happened.

So he has messaged asking for us to talk this weekend. Still no apology. NO acknowledgement of what happened-which I pointed out.

His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.

He said he 'wasn't being dismissive' did validate my feelings (!) but 'also tried to be a mediator by saying the boys are just kids'.

Feel a bit like my head is going to explode.

You’re going to have to trust yourself @innersilentscreams & not let your mum or him sow seeds of doubt in your mind.

Would you consider blocking him so he can’t get at you?

Crumpleton · 05/04/2025 15:02

I said it isn't the kids, it's his lack of parenting and then walking out, as well as anger, that is the reason we are where we are.

I have kids OP, I fully agree with you.
I wouldn't allow them to behave in the same manner as your DP's do so sorry, in my opinion your DM and DP aren't helping, as you say it's not how kids behave that's the problem it's how they're allowed to behave.

I highly suspect that when he said the kids wouldn't be coming over anymore you didn't say no no it's fine leave things as they are, so his panic mode set in and was followed with and I'll also be moving out too.
Again you didn't beg him to stay and his blackmail, for want of a better word, has failed him and now he wants to chat...
How convenient.

Enjoy the peace and quiet, in your own home with your cat and the lighter evenings.

skyeisthelimit · 05/04/2025 15:06

OP, while I usually advocate that people talk rather than rush into things, I really don't see anything for you to gain by talking to him. He is just going to gaslight you and make you doubt yourself.

Any meeting should be along the lines of him apologising and spelling out what steps he will take to address their behaviour so that it doesn't happen again. Once a period of time has passed and their behaviour has improved, they will come for a visit. Instead of that, he will try and convince you how they are "just kids" and how you are wrong.

You made a brave strong decision and don't let him talk you down from that.

You also need to put your mum straight and tell her that the only way this is fixed is by him teaching his DC how to behave... then tell her that it is not up for discussion again.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/04/2025 15:10

@innersilentscreams

This may sound crazy, but do you think your mum and your ex have been in touch with each other? They certainly seem to be singing from the same hymn book.

I think it's time to back away from your mum, just for now. Her words are not helping you. In fact they're actively hurting you by making you doubt your decision. And you decision was 100% right. Can you tell your mum that you will be out of touch for the next few days as you need to focus on the future?

As far as your ex, well pardon me, but fuck him. Someone who says "I always apologize" basically feels that they can do and say whatever they want, regardless of how hurtful it is, as long as they toss an "I'm sorry" your way. This gives them permission to abuse. As with your mum, you don't need this. So do you think it's time to block him, at least for a bit?

It's good you're focusing on yourself. But remember that too much time on our own, even 'healthy time', can cause us to focus on things best ignored.

Happyhettie · 05/04/2025 15:19

He sounds horrible. Stay strong - you and your little cat deserve much better than that x

diddl · 05/04/2025 15:21

Don't doubt yourself Op.

He stropped out never dreaming that you wouldn't beg him to come back.

Words fail me where your Mum is concerned.

GCAcademic · 05/04/2025 15:24

Oh dear. He's realised that his and his brats' meal ticket is disappearing but can't quite bring himself to apologise. That's a bit of a bind, isn't it?

ScribblingPixie · 05/04/2025 15:25

A mediator is a go-between who stands between two opposing sides. That he thinks that was the correct position for him - as your partner and their father - to adopt shows there's nothing to discuss. It was his job to control that situation. He was responsible for it. Instead he let you down and let them down.

Don't let your mother undermine you, OP. I'm sure she doesn't mean to, but she's not acting in your best interest. Trust your own assessment of the situation.

Lavenderandbrown · 05/04/2025 15:27

I think both threads have been picked up by other outlets because your story resonates with so many women
in addition to resting and eating well I find small manageable home projects fill my time satisfactorily and prevent loneliness…
clean entire house
clean furniture and soft furniture
paint a room
plant some pots outside or plant flowers in the ground
organize drawers and rearrange the use of rooms and the use of existing furniture. Make the house yours and cats only now
get outside for a bit everyday
run simple errands…visit a museum have a look at magazines or books for free at a library or store window shop walk unfamiliar neighborhoods enjoying their architecture and decorations
volunteer/ attend religious service if appropriate/ cinema/
tryout new recipes Bring it to work if it’s too much to eat yourself
exercise
do something you have wanted to do but couldn’t because of ex and kids…a class horseback riding swimming. Doesn’t have to become a hobby just an experience
well done OP well done. You are brave and strong

CheekySnake · 05/04/2025 15:29

@innersilentscreams

Two things:

  1. You should be really proud of how you're dealing with this
  1. Join us on the stately homes thread if you want somewhere to talk about your mum.
FriendsDrinkBook · 05/04/2025 15:29

I'm glad you're doing well op , and thank you for updating us on this new thread.

Your relationship with your mum sounds tricky and lacking in the support you deserve.

I hope you get the joint account and other loose ends tied up quickly. This stranger is very proud of you for putting an end to your ex boyfriend's nonsense and protecting your peace.

I hope you're having a great weekend in your clean and quiet home!

FriendsDrinkBook · 05/04/2025 15:31

Also , even if he does apologise , it means nothing. His disrespectful behaviour is all you need to remember in order to move on.

Boreded · 05/04/2025 15:48

Can’t find the original to bring myself up to speed. Anyone got the link?

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 05/04/2025 15:50

He's after money, childcare or both. Please don't meet him on your own OP, maybe at a coffee shop or similar?

The previous thread that had some similarities, you know where the man wanted that OP to pay for X Y and Z, he brought the kids with him to the meeting - I think prior to that he turned up on the premise of collecting things then didn't actually want to collect anything, the OP's family had to load up his car!

PullTheBricksDown · 05/04/2025 15:53

Boreded · 05/04/2025 15:48

Can’t find the original to bring myself up to speed. Anyone got the link?

Someone put the link on page 1. A few posts in.

Meanwhile33 · 05/04/2025 15:59

It does sound like your mum primed you for putting up with this crappy treatment from him and his kids for so long.

The lack of apology is a bit crap, but an apology now would be completely meaningless anyway, because he would only be saying it out of desperation trying to make things go back to how they were. So try not to focus on that.

He’s a shit, you’ve realised it, and your life is better without him and his horrible kids in it. That’s the whole picture and nothing he does or says now or in the future can change it.

I think pp suggestions of a new email address for him to discuss details of separation is a good idea, to stop him trying to mess with your head to worm his way back in.

mrstreacle · 05/04/2025 16:02

BeeCucumber · 05/04/2025 14:45

PP are right when they refer to their Mother’s generation having an old fashioned view of relationships. My own “DM” would expect you to stay married or in a relationship no matter the cost. In her view, any man is better than no man.

@innersilentscreams - you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. You don’t need anyone’s approval. You are fabulous just as you are. Enjoy the peace and bogey free life.

#cbt

Edited

Not all of us are like that, I'm certainly not nor are any of my friends

Whooowhooohoo · 05/04/2025 16:04

My mum would visit me with a fresh notebook …
She would start on page 1, the LIST of the things I must do to move on.

Then as I finished each task. She would strike thru task with a flourish and announce ONLY 6 more things, then it’s finished. And would keep me on task. No mum should want DD to be trod on. (I think ex had been telling mum do tall tales…. Probably the typical gaslighting type lies like … OP isn’t thinking clearly, not well and nothing prompted her breakdown. Etc)

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 05/04/2025 16:09

Easter holidays coming up. Expect him to pull out all the stops to not be managing his dc alone for 2 weeks...

Takenoprisoner · 05/04/2025 16:13

Grey rock. It's the only way.
Only resond to anything related to picking up belongings etc or untangling finances. Ignore everything else. He needs to know the relationship/breakup itself is not up for discussion or negotiation. He sounds very manipulative, so don't get hoovered back in.

Nettleteaser101 · 05/04/2025 16:14

BeeCucumber · 05/04/2025 14:45

PP are right when they refer to their Mother’s generation having an old fashioned view of relationships. My own “DM” would expect you to stay married or in a relationship no matter the cost. In her view, any man is better than no man.

@innersilentscreams - you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. You don’t need anyone’s approval. You are fabulous just as you are. Enjoy the peace and bogey free life.

#cbt

Edited

Your mum might what you to stay nomatter what, but I don't think many older women would it's not the 1940's. You have a funny idea of older women.

WilfredsPies · 05/04/2025 16:27

PullTheBricksDown · 05/04/2025 14:27

I’m sure your mum loves you and is thinking that you might struggle being on your own, and splitting assets might leave you with less etc

I could be wrong @WilfredsPies but I don't think there needs to be any asset splitting. It's OP's place and he paid his way while there- after being asked - but that's all. He and his badly behaved kids have no rights to be there or take anything.

She said they’ve got a joint account and investments together that will need to be disentangled

TiredCatLady · 05/04/2025 16:27

Stay strong OP - I’d expect him to start with the emotional blackmail or get stroppy as he’s not getting his way.
“But I can’t see the boys…”, “Where am I going to go?”, “they’ll be better”, Followed by blame “You’re making us homeless”, “you’re why I can see the boys”, “You’re being unreasonable”, etc.

If you can block him and put the wheels in motion on untangling finances asap then so much the better.

Hope you and your cat are enjoying the sunshine in peace and quiet.

AirborneElephant · 05/04/2025 16:30

I think his response says it all. “I always apologise for upsetting you”. Not for actually doing anything. He still does not recognise that his behaviour is at all at fault, let alone his children’s. I’m sorry OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread