Why so many men seem to remarry and rudh to have more kids

[Ladnj]

My friends and I are all in our mid40s and a few are or have separated from their partners. None of my friends are interested in having more kids even if they are in a new relationship but quite a few of the blokes now have brand new families. Why? What motivates men in their mid40s, 50s go back to having babies.

My own marriage isn't going so well which made me think how weird it would be if Dh and I do split up and my kids end up with brand new brothers and sisters. How common is it?

No, it’s for the older children. Getting discarded by dad for his new family. I don’t agree with having babies when you have teens already as it is, I think it distracts from their needs, but even more so when it’s a broken family.

No unhappiness here, happily married to my first and only husband with only our children to worry about, and my parents thankfully purposefully decided to not have children in their second marriages because we didn’t disappear when they got new spouses. So from that side of the fence I feel very sorry for the first children in broken marriages that get disregarded.

No, it’s for the older children. Getting discarded by dad for his new family

This is an assumption though, and discarded is an emotive word used to trigger a response. The siblings relationship is amazing. Through lock down they spent hours online playing minecraft with her. They constantly ask for her to stay over. Text everyday. But happy for you to think otherwise.

Not having children while you have teens, I don't agree with, but it's a valid view point.

I agree. My childs father (partner of over 10 years) buggered off when she was weeks old, had been cheating during my pregnancy. He had a new woman pregnant within the year, before our little one had even turned 1. He used to see our DC 2 days a week, that's been whittled down to EOW Saturday afternoon to Monday morning.

Children do get disregarded, as mine has been. There is no way you can give a child all the time and attention that they need when you have two families to juggle.

It's such a shame that people can't have a family then that's that. If they want to break up a family by leaving then so be it, but don't go creating 'families' here there and everywhere. It's in the best interests of the new relationship, not the child. Far from it.

First reply nails it.

@DonaldMacRonald sorry I know probably this isn’t the right place to say it ( but I might not see you on a light-heated thread) but I just love your username!!! 😀😀

I wonder this all the time. When I was dating I would never have touched a man with children because it was obvious what the consequences would be for me if it turned into a relationship (I neither wanted my own kids nor someone else's). It's totally OK not to want to be a stepmother but that entails not dating men with kids! Which isn't that hard, surely.

I think a lot of men have internalised the idea that they have to suck up having kids if they want a relationship, regardless of whether they actually want them themselves. Like a flipside of women who resign themselves to bad relationships just to have kids. A lot of people sweep their own desires under the carpet because they can't actually envision having the life they want. Obviously this doesn't work out well for anyone involved.

They want a younger model. Younger model wants kids.

Yes, could be part of it. There are a few men who are more attractive to younger women because they're really attractive, charismatic or whatever, but most of them are going to be less so than a man closer to the woman's age. Just the way of the world. Middle age balding, bad backs and baggage aren't particularly sexy. So they overcome that by offering something the younger woman's age mates don't.

Another version of this is if the younger woman already has DC and doesn't want more, the older man can make himself more attractive by being willing to play daddy to and prioritise her children, rather than his own.

This.
And they want a skivvy aupair to do the grunt work for their existing children.

Good men do not do this.
Shit husbands and fathers do.

They rush into a new family.
Awful for the dopey women who fall for it when the harsh reality of step motherhood sinks in, and awful for all children involved.

#shitshow

The saddest thing is when you hear about a guy who has strung a wife/partner along for years without committing or saying he's not ready for kids, then within 6 months of them splitting up, his new partner is pregnant. Heard that one a few times, I can't imagine how hurtful it must be for their ex partners.

Do you honestly think his previous children will have had the same level of parenting from your husband as your daughter will have? Do you really not think having another child won’t have detracted from the teens at all? Really?

Having children while there are teens in the household is nothing new. It's a non issue. If you felt incapable of balancing needs and therefore stuck to having children close in age, or only one, then you made the right decision for you and your family.

If you dislike second families, you dislike second families. Not much I can say to that really.

Does anybody think that a 20-year-old wants to sit playing Minecraft with a young child for hours on end? Mine would do it if it was the only way to get any attention and kindness from the second family. But it certainly wouldn’t be their first choice of activity under normal circumstances.

It’s not about what I can cope with, I could have 10 kids if I wanted, it’s about what is right for the children and their best interests. Our 2 are our priority, that’s why DH had the snip, whatever happens, they will remain his priority. It’s not about making a shiny new baby every time a relationship breaks down or we get bored. You having a baby was not in the best interests of the pre existing children, but your DH doesn’t care about that, because he has new priorities.

I know a couple of guys (one a distant cousin) who are now with much younger women and have said "Oh no, I don't want any more children and that's fine with {hot, young girlfriend}" - this feels quite rude. He has experienced being a parent but she mustn't because it inconveniences him. In the case of my distant cousin, she "accidentally" got pregnant and they split up.

Why is it rude? The {hot, young girlfriend} may well have told him she was fine with it. And, if she wasn’t, she wasn’t compelled to enter into, or remain in a relationship with an older man with kids.

Any broken home the children get less than technically from both parents. Because they don’t have the parents as a team together.

Even in a 50/50 they are not getting that family meal time or garden relax chat with both mum and dad. You’ve not got two parents at the same time noticing those little changes within their child that shows something might be bothering them that mum might say have you noticed jimmy being a bit (whatever) and dad going yeah yesterday while he was helping me (whatever) he just wasn’t quite right. Parents not truely bouncing the ideas and thoughts off one another thinking overall jointly of the families happiness, future and prosperity.

You’ve got one parent doing what’s best for their house as a whole regardless of the child who flits between with the other parent doing exactly the same best for their house as a whole. The child/ren who are the ones flitting back and forth when extra siblings are announced or bought in are never the focus of either house.

Yes he always said he wanted 5 children (I've known him since he was 14 and he always wanted to be a dad).....his ex wife cheated on him with the next door neighbour so he's not the "bad guy" in this story running away from his 1st family to create another....he's a fantastic Dad to his older and younger children

It feels rude because when you date or marry someone of a very different age, it is sensible to make some allowance for them being at a different stage in life to you. A woman in her mid twenties to early thirties may not know for sure whether she wants children so may very well agree not to have any with an older partner who already has them. Being extremely surprised when she then decides that she would, actually, like children is naive. Getting angry when she gets pregnant is downright unkind - particularly if the older guy left birth control up to her.

If a man absolutely does not want any more children, it would be sensible to only date women in their forties. But if he wants a hot, young girlfriend (ideally with a good job so they can share living expenses) then there is a risk that she will want children at some point.

1. Because they move on to someone younger who genuinely wants children.
2. Because it makes it easier to ensure the new woman will parent her step children for them and do the majority of the crappy drudgery for all the children.
3. Because they both genuinely want children.

That goes both ways though. Having children is expensive, tiring and time-consuming. It’s naive to assume that a man who already has children will want to start another family, or change his mind about doing so in the future. Women know this, but many still choose older men, because they tend to have a higher disposable income. In other words, they want to have their cake and eat it.

It’s an interesting question - what makes a young woman want to date an older partner? Of the couples I referred to above, the woman is 32 and the man is 46. I think she is barking - he may be fun now but he’ll be 60 when she is 46.

It’s tempting to say that young women are attracted to older men because they have a higher disposable income but this is not always the case, particularly when the man is paying some fairly serious child maintenance. Once a woman is in her early thirties, there is a good chance that she will be earning a reasonable salary.

I wonder if young women are put off men their own age in part because of dating apps. Meeting a series of flaky guys will make men who are responsive and enthusiastic more attractive, even if they are older.

This. I would have thought it was fairly obvious.

These are massive generalisations and it absolutely does not need to be like this.

Im divorced. My DD (my only child) is 100% top priority in my house. And I am a more energized, engaged, attentive mother when she is with me, because I have a break when she is with her dad. Both her dad and I have really good partners, who are absolutely excellent, loving step parents. The four of us all bring different things, and she has a plethora of people to come to for numerous different things. The four of us get on well and eg when DD was younger, would celebrate her birthday all together. If anything comes up for DD, her dad and I absolutely still confer and discuss what to do.

And she now has two half siblings on her dad’s side. This has hugely enriched her life, and she loves them dearly and vice versa. That family have been very sensitive and careful to make sure she feels fully part of the family. I’d say it’s even better than having full time siblings, because she gets the best of both worlds - a peaceful house with no disturbance and 100% focus on her, with plenty resources, space and time on my side….. and a bustling, big family environment, that requires her to think of others, protect her little brother and sister, etc on the other side. She even gets two sets of holidays.

Every child of divorce is not a poor, neglected victim of terrible parenting!

Partly it’s because they get new wives and partners who are younger and want kids.

Partly I think it’s an urge to “win” - I am sure my exh thinks he’s won something due to having a new partner and additional family.

He doesn’t realise I don’t want that so he’s won bog all.

I just hate that my son still has to listen to adults arguing when I got divorced specifically to avoid the kids having to go through that! (My dd is older now)