DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

Tbh, it's not such the holding their hand that is the issue but I'd wonder what verbal message is accompanying it.

What is being communicated to them?

You’ve posted repeatedly that you think he is though.

I don’t do that, no. Usually after work he’s not here but when he is I let him do his thing with them so I can get on with other stuff

Do you think some couples therapy might be helpful? You need to find a way to work as a team. Think how it would feel if you split up, he had the children some days a week on his own without you and without your input. You need to find a way to meet in the middle and trust each other.

If you think there have been multiple attempted abductions in your area in recent weeks I think your anxiety is out of control and you need to seek help for it. Apart from anything else it must be making you very unhappy.-

Ok so I am not trying to argue with this, but people genuinely begrudge a mum who’s just given birth saying “be careful” to their DH when the baby is a day or two old?

I didn't do this and ever felt the need.

My second child was husband's first and I trusted him with her completely from the start even though he'd had no previous baby experience. Because, why wouldn't I?

And yes, he did things with her I didn't and played with her in ways I didn't. Even when I looked and thought, "Bloody Hell!" I didn't say anything because he wasn't doing anything wrong - just different to me sometimes.

(And she was premature and very small and we nearly lost her.)

Didn't mean to quote 🙄

If ypu recognise this then a) you're part way there and b) it really is your responsibility to get a handle on it.

I have some understanding of your need to voice that thought in the moment. It's a bastard.
I can also understand not liking kids on shoulders, it gives me the fear.
The good news is there is help out there for your anxiety. CBT isn't right for everyone, maybe a talking therapy would be better?
Do some research, find a specialist in your area and hopefully start feeling differently soon.
Your H definitely needs to take some house stuff on board. Include that in your chat over a cuppa 🏵

You are telling your ‘side’ and you still sound over protective so you probably are over the top.

My class had an open classroom morning this week for Mother’s Day and I really noticed how many mothers were stopping their children from doing things that they do every single day. Like going up some stairs on a climbing frame or jumping off a crate. The children were confused by all the ‘get down’ and ‘be careful’ remarks being thrown their way.

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

Why are you expected to do all this?

TBH I think quite a few of the other examples are ill-considered too. I don't have kids myself (or OCD) but I don't need to be a parent to know it's a dangerous world out there. And men often don't think these things through properly, let's face it.

Try to take a heartbeat or two before you speak and decide, for each time, if what you are about to say is a trigger sentence. If so, stop.

No matter the reason you are doing it, it matters not. It's destructive and it's for you to stop doing it, not for him to understand why and accept it every single time.

Ok so I am not trying to argue with this, but people genuinely begrudge a mum who’s just given birth saying “be careful” to their DH when the baby is a day or two old?

There was no need to say this, did you honestly think he wouldn't be careful?

Thank you.

No I didn’t think he wouldn’t be careful. I have explained this to him. But I had just had a long and difficult labour and no sleep… if the tables were turned I would’ve let that one go

No, you’re not controlling! I cannot abide that male performative kids on shoulders thing. Or kids running next to busy roads in London when they’re too small! Sounds like you care, that’s all. He’s out of order and there’s a touch of gaslighting about what he’s saying.

But you are being horrible and controlling, if my DH told me to be careful when I was holding my own child I would be furious!

NOBODY can reassure you that nothing will go wrong.

Hey @QueenMammoth I’m not qualified or experienced to offer any useful advice. You seem to have a really good capacity for self reflexion and I can see you’d like things to be different, hope you get there. Big hug.

Really? I’ve never heard of any many dropping his newborn while walking up the stairs? Or dropping his toddler while walking? Or allowing them to fall while on his shoulders? Or having their child abducted while walking 2m behind?

What rubbish.

It sounds so tough for you having OCD and anxiety but please do everything you can to get support. If you constantly tell your kids to stop, be safe, not engage with the works6, they will become incredibly anxious too and think they can’t handle the world.

It was a newborn FFS. Who cares if it’s annoying? I’m surprised that the chap would hold onto the incident for so long, frankly.

He’s not their father and an equal parent?