DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

You are not being unreasonable at all. He sounds very cavalier. He is making you feel like a nag, and as if you are over reacting because he isn't taking due care with the children. He's not taking on board what you are saying, so you have to repeat yourself so you feel bad. He needs to listen and he needs to be more careful.

I have sympathy for you OP. Sometimes when one partner doesn’t seem to have any thoughts of safety, it feels like the full emphasis is put on you. I expect you’d rather he met you halfway, but it’s hard as a mother to not predict catastrophes, if the other partner is not doing anything at all with caution.

I see someone already recommended sertraline. I had pp OCD too and it was completely treated with this medication. I would try it...the examples you give do paint a picture of someone struggling with OCD and it will also be very difficult for others to live with

Hi OP I just wanted to give you a bit of moral support as I am just like you, I see danger, I can’t help it, it’s a part of who I am, and I know it can be annoying to others.
I’m much older than you so have had a lifetime of it, I hope you can get some therapy to ease the strain, but we are who we are, maybe we love that little bit too much 😊

“I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap.”

seems that because your first post was quite long, many posters didn’t bother to read this far before jumping in and taking his side and criticising your concerns and the way you feel.

it strikes me from this part of your first post that he is actually quite demanding and controlling himself. Is he nice to you OP? Or do you feel like you are running “his” household? In this kind of context, I’m not surprised you are somewhat anxious and fearful.

I feel like all your examples are totally reasonable and not ott, so I guess I must have OCD and be anxious too! I think I'm normal!

It sounds like you might benefit from some help for your anxiety if you haven't had that? Unfortunately he's right that it's not very healthy for your children, and it's not good for your relationship with your husband either, constantly telling him what to do. I understand how anxiety makes you feel and you want to control everything to keep them safe, but you do need to trust him with his children.

I mean this kindly but no, I never felt I had to tell my partner to be careful with carrying our newborns upstairs. Even on the day we returned from hospital. If he had said the same to me, I would have been deeply upset.

Sorry to tell you, but a lot of them are not reasonable. If my partner said them to me I would be very upset. In fact my partner’s parents are like it and it has caused much upset in the past. Examples like - I’m walking my toddler on a wall - “be careful that’s so high up!” Or me supervising my children playing and MIL shouting out “arghhh” like they are doing something dangerous and I don’t care. The constant pick pick pick is damaging.

I get the whole be careful with the newborn baby because my ex clocked ds on the doorframe carrying him upstairs a couple of times

Yes, you must have.

I don’t think you’re ruining your kids life, but you’re slowly ruining his by constantly telling him how to parent and making him feel like he’s doing a terrible job with his own kids. Telling him to “be careful” when I’m sure he is being, must really grate his last nerve.

It's so interesting reading these replies.

I am a grandmother, collecting frequently from nursery and primary school. I am constantly astounded by the lack of concern shown by virtually all the young parents as their small children run around car parks stuffed with giant SUVs, any one of which might be just about to depart and unable to see the small person just below their bonnet. I never hear anyone calling their children back to them.

Parents speed down a tiny narrow cul-de-sac, weirdly oblivious to the toddlers trotting out from nursery and the fellow parents emerging from behind parked cars to put their tots in their car seats.

Yet I get the impression from my grandchildren's parents that it would be embarrassing if I were to call out to my grandchildren to come back, or be careful.

I am mystified as to what has happened in the years since I was the parent.

Why is allowing the children to be free range in all situations more important than their safety? Surely the freedom bit can wait till they've actually made it to an age where they can be aware of traffic?

Please see your GP rather than asking on here….all you’ll get is ‘how awful you are’ from those who let theirs run off /trip up, end up in a&e when could have been avoided how they parented properly. I see it all the time in the park/soft plays….
i actually don’t think you are unreasonable but I do think you need help managing your anxiety and your DH needs to understand it /help rather than be argumentative.
I am anxious and do a lot of ‘be careful’ ‘make sure you hold his hand’ ‘ don’t turn your back’ but not because I don’t trust my DH, more as a mother I do literally have eyes in the back of my head/ I can often foresee what could happen . Whereas honestly I think it’s just not instinctually in men . I think it needs to be worded better so that it’s not just shouting /demanding to your other half. Were you anxious before? I know a lot of mine came from the fact we had a lot of ivf and I can’t conceive again so I worry as he’s my only child.
it also gets much better as they get older and more independent too btw ..

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare

Aside from the main thread concern, I think we need to unpack this more to get a sense of what is going on in this relationship.

That sounds quite controlling. Has he mistaken you for a housekeeper? Do you work?

Completely agree with this. It can be a race to the bottom amongst parents as to who can be the most switched off and unaware. It’s not teaching them independence - you just look like you don’t care.

You suggest carrying a child on your shoulders instead of ‘the hassle of a pram’. Are you a man? Nonsense indeed.

And rightly so. It's a horrible, patronising thing to say, and implies that he doesn't know what he is doing with his own child. It's the sort of thing you can get away with saying to an older sibling, but not to the child's other parent. He is quite right to be pissed off at that.

Apart from the running near the road thing, it sounds like you have way too much time on your hands OP. Back to work perhaps?

But OP's DH hasn't as far as we know.

It might be for some parents, including OP's DH. What's wrong with making that decision as a parent for a 15 minute walk? We're not talking about a day out.

I am a woman. Gave birth to all my kids and so on.

And yet you are…

I understand you have these protective urges, but so does your DH, and you are suffocating him and your DC.
Time to start biting your tongue, and let everyone breathe without you controlling the way everything is done.

First time I’ve ever heard carrying a child on you shoulders described as “Disney parenting”!

But,if ove read correctly, the OP also says she allows him to be on his own with the children when she doesn't do this.

If that is the case, the anxiety only manifests when she is there to see it, which indicates that the issue is around her anxiety rather than her parenting per se.

That's not to say he will make the correct judgement call every time but then neither will she because they're as experienced at being parents as each other.

The assumption that she will automatically be right because she is mum and he will automatically be wrong because he's a man is part of the reason we have such a societal imbalance in parenting responsibilities and expectations.

If he disengages from parenting completely because of this and never being able to do anything right, the OP will be back in a few years because she's shouldering the responsibility for parenting alone.

There has to he some give and take and an acceptance that the other parents will do things differently.to you.

For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away

So you'd have no understanding at all of the above? It's pretty understandable she'd be anxious about him carrying the baby upstairs with the above diagnosis, but I guess there's no room to care about the woman who just created and birthed your child.

OP, have you looked into therapy to help with your OCD?