DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

It’s not the posters wording though, the OP by definition has told multiple, probably upwards of 10 stories of her telling the father “don’t do that/ do this/ don’t carry her like that/ be careful when you carry them/ don’t carry them on your shoulders/ don’t carry them put them in the pram” and on and on and on.

You can see by this thread it’s quite literally not normal parenting and the vast majority of the comments are not telling people it’s totally standard behaviour.

No 2 year old should be running on a busy street pavement without holding hands. Both of mine would have been in reins. On the other hand, I don’t see what’s wrong with having him carry a toddler on his shoulder.

DH had a go at me for telling him not to leave baby on the settee with him when he was tired. The inevitable happened, and DH got well and truly told off by the Dr in a French A&E unit. The conversation in the caravan when we got back was calm but very firm on my side. So I am very willing to lay down the law to my DH on safety when necessary - but I don’t think all your examples fall into that category.

He is right to push back on your micromanagement of his relationship with the children; your MH struggles are clouding your judgement and you are being unreasonable. He’s their father, so he needs to be able to make decisions on an equal basis to you, not defer to your anxiety every time. If you don’t find a way to control your issues, then they are going to have a negative impact on your children’s childhood, their bond with their father and their view of the world.

He should be pulling his weight with housework, childcare and household admin. If he did take on more of those things, would you accept him as an equal partner, or would you flap and criticise and try to control how he did things?

Please don’t take this as a pile on but I think your anxiety might have got you to a place where you’re micromanaging DH, which I’m sure isn’t nice for either of you, you're constantly waiting for something to go horrifically wrong and he’s constantly being told he’s essentially “doing wrong” because the anxiety is taking over everything…the best thing for you IMO is speak to your GP given that the anxiety/OCD seems to be drowning you….

in the meantime there are free online resources you could maybe look at
https://wellbeing.silvercloudhealth.com/onboard/nhsscotland/programs/

Hopefully this sounds helpful and not like I’m being a dick 😂x

I feel so much for you OP. Sending you a big hug.

I’ve been having therapy on and off for the last 3 years to try to come to terms with a traumatic childhood. It doesn’t affect me in the same way as you’re describing but it has had a huge impact on my life and by extension DH’s life. I think you’re being so brave and so honest in your posts.

Some things I’ve learned that may help:

1. DH is not the enemy and neither are you. The enemy is the illness (in your case OCD/anxiety)
2. This is so hard on you - I completely understand the feeling of being scrambled in your mind, you can’t make sense of what is a genuine risk and what is not. It’s a frightening place to be but how you’re feeling is not your fault and you can get past it with the right help
3. As well as this being difficult for you, it’s extremely difficult for your DH too. You need his support but he also needs to protect himself from the effects of the OCD and anxiety too. This was a really difficult one for me to get my head around
4. Try to take a pause before you react. So you spot something that you would comment ‘be careful’ etc. Don’t say it - instead, have a mantra you repeat in your head e.g. ‘I can trust DH, he loves our children and is able to keep them safe’. Allow the moment to pass. You can retrain the neurological pathways in your head by repeated practice. It will feel so hard to start with but it is possible - when the moment has passed, you will be able to assess what happened with clarity. You’re obviously self-reflective and self-aware after the moment based on your post
5. Please please try and access some therapy. It will change your life and in doing so change your DH and DCs lives and your relationships with them. You obviously love them all very much and you need support in making sure your OCD/anxiety doesn’t harm them too.

Having to work on yourself while you have little children is hard but it is worth it xx

He's not in charge of managing your anxiety. I get anxious about stuff but it's not up to dh to reassure me all the time.

Both DH and I must be chronically over cautious and anxious then, according to so many of the responses here.

I don't really feel we are. Letting a 2yo run next to a busy road in London is just shit, slack parenting.

I don't think saying 'be careful' is controlling; I think it's caring.

He sounds fairly slack about safety and quite frankly a bit of a show off / Disney dad, wanting to carry the kids around on his shoulders so much.

I know you are feeling anxious, OP. But I don't think your requests are actually especially unreasonable.

The only one I would have said was unreasonable was putting the child in the buggy to cross the road. I think all the other points are perfectly fine and I'd hope your DH would realise the comments come from a place of love for your children. I think your point is not that you don't trust him but more that young children are very unpredictable and can't judge the safety of situations in the same way adult can.I regularly make comments like these to my partner about our 4yo DD and it doesn't bother him at all. We've talked in the past about how she is everything to us and how we couldn't cope if anything happened to her, I feel like these comments are just a way of reminding ourselves of that.

Your post-partum MH issues sound tough, OP, and it is good that you are seeking advice and perspective.

One problem with all this is that your Dc hear you saying this to your DH which runs the risk of undermining their confidence in him.

Which is not good for them, and unfair on him.

As others have pointed out, 'Be Careful' is meaningless fuss. When I used to take Dc to the park and they would set off up that spider web climbing frame thing, to great heights, aged three, I used to say 'only move one hand or foot at a time! Keep all your other feet and hands on the rope. One move at a time!'. i.e practical advice.

Kids usually hang on when being carried on shoulders - and Dads usually hold on to their legs. Dads are usually stronger than us, and do this stuff.

It is much better for your 4 yo to do a 15 min walk than go in the buggy! If your DH gets tired carrying them, that's his problem, and he'll survive. It's a short walk not a trek cross the Sahara. i.e let him make his own mistakes.

Which is also the best way - within reason, obviously - for children to learn to be self sufficient. They cannot be safe if they don't learn how to learn and how to recover from mistakes. Constantly being protected from trying things or having small adventures will actually interfere with them learning to keep themselves safe.

Obviously this isn't hard to put into practice if your MH says no - and hopefully you have some support or your own techniques to help you manage your condition.

I think you need some therapy to help you. The scary stuff only gets much bigger as they get older, and quickly becomes out of your control. The only reasonable thing in your list is the running in the road. I can't really see that he's done anything wrong unless there's a drip feed coming.

None of us on this thread is in a position to know these aren't regular occurrences. They may never have happened to you, but that doesn't mean they don't happen.

@QueenMammoth

i understand that it is not your intent to be controlling or hurtful- that doesn’t mean you are not coming across as critical of his parenting and appear trying to control things in a somewhat unhealthy way. Of course, you won’t be wrong on every occasion, but most of what you outline is very OTT IMHO.

You need to decide whether you trust him, or not. Is he really genuinely so irresponsible that you think he would carelessly (or deliberately) put your children in danger? Or is it just that he has slightly different views on what is safe/unsafe? As a parent with equal responsibilities for his children, he is entitled to do things differently from you.

You may be seeking reassurance that “nothing can go wrong”- but that is reassurance that no-one can ever give you. of course, parents should take reasonable precautions, but children do need to learn how to take “risks” in order to grow and develop. Things can and do go wrong with even the best of safety planning. Attempting to keep everything “safe” can lead to children missing out in things, but also prevent them developing coping skills/simple risk management strategies. It can make them fearful and anxious, too.

I think you should think about getting some help with your ocd/anxiety (or more help if you already have done so in the past). When your anxiety /OCD spills into controlling those around you- not because you want to be difficult, but because you feel safest when things are “under control” (as you see it) or risks avoided- you need to take steps to make changes. It’s not fair on your husband or your children, and it’s very difficult for you too.

with regards to feeling responsible for all admin/organising childcare etc- is it the case he is lazy and has left it all to you, or does he feel there is no point as if he were not to do it to your liking you would change it anyway, so he leaves you to it to avoid that scenario? None of us can say which it is (or a bit of both), but ultimately, if you aren’t happy with the way responsibilities are being split, then you need to address that with him.

At work we all accept every accident is preventable and youre roasted for being vigilant to accidents with you kids and get roasted by mumsnetter @QueenMammoth wtf.

You're being a mamma bear and I dont think there's anything wrong with that. My dad fell over holding a glass bottle at age of 5 and nearly died. When my neighbours 2 yo was given a glass to drink from and was walking and drinking at the same time, I stopped him and told him to have a drink whilst he was still. He did. Anyway her thicko DH was then rude to me so I shrugged and said well he's not my kid, mine have unbreakable cups. Kids fall. If he hurts himself it's on you - he lost 2 teeth in a fall a couple of years later cos he was holding stuff and walking so couldnt put his hands down first. Poor kid :(

Anyway, YANBU IMO safety first.

However your DH is an adult and if he can feel his child leaning back and is strong enough to stop the DC falling leave him to it. If he wants to carry a 2yo for 15mins that's up to him too. Maybe ask if he needs help versus telling him not to do AB or C. Perhaps is not what your saying but how you're saying it. X

OP's DH is an adult too though. He isn't a 3rd child that needs to be reminded to be careful when walking up the stairs with a baby.

Of course letting a 2 year old run loose near a road is dangerous; no one is claiming otherwise. However, telling someone to “be careful” every time they do something which requires them to be careful is patronising in the extreme. They already know they need to be careful, and they don’t need to be reminded as if they were a child. Lots of dads (and mums) like carrying their children on their shoulders, and the children usually love it. How on earth does this make them a Disney dad? Don’t be so ridiculous.

A few of these things are possibly a bit daft but he's shown you that he isn't that great at parenting by not holding your two year old's hand next to a busy road. Why should you trust him if he doesn't do that?

To be fair OP, I’d have absolutely lost my shit at the newborn on the car roof thing so on that point YANBU.

Hi OP, I also had postpartum OCD and although I’m a lot better I’m not the person I was before ad it’s still with me.

I am also compelled to tell my OH certain things, because otherwise the thoughts of what if run away. I usually start off by saying, I know you are a great dad and will be looking after the children but I need to say that…. My OH knows this is the OCD talking and that I just need to say it out loud.

Can you try and discuss this with him in a calm moment? So he understands why you have to say worries out loud and that he needs to try not to take too personally.

I also worry about passing on my OCD worries to my children. I try my best, and I’m sure you are too
x

Honestly some of it sounds reasonable but some of it is a little OTT. Your DH is a grown up if he was to carry DC for 15 minutes instead of take the pram then that’s on him. He probably doesn’t need telling to watch DC whilst they’re on the scooter and it’s a bit unnecessary to put them in a pram to cross the road. I do agree on letting a 2 year old run next to a busy main road though.

Perhaps try to work on your wording /as well as cutting down on these interactions/. May make a difference eventhough he might be too allergic to it now that it wont make a difference.
What are you doing about your anxiety?

I do many of those things listed in your OP too (and I don’t even have OCD/anxiety). It’s hard to not worry about your children sometimes and if you’re anything like me I always imagine the worst.

Slowly over time I’ve been trying to relax more about things and hopefully you will too. You’re certainly not ruining their lives, that’s a bit of an exaggeration from your DH!

You aren't ruining their lives but you might be ruining your relationship by micromanaging your dh's parenting. You obviously have differing perceptions of hazards but who's to day which of you is right or wrong? If kids don't take risks and make mistakes they don't learn but also total lack of awareness of risks puts kids at needless risk. I think unless it's an absolute no brainer (like imediate risk of severe injury and death) then you might need to back off and let him and the kids make their own mistakes. If he wants to carry a heavy child home then let him....they aren't at risk her. If he wants to be the twat parent who's toddler is tripping people up, let him get on with it.

From one anxious, sleep deprived mum to a 1yo and 4yo to another, kindly YABU.

I would be absolutely anxious in all those situations (apart from the abduction one, I think that’s a bit OTT!) but I really bite my tongue as much as possible around DH. What you have to remember is he loves your DC as much as you, he is the only other person in the world to love them that much so he will care about their safety just as much as you. You need to trust him.

I have OCD. I also live in a busy London Borough.

My kids have to hold hands waking to school. People drive like lunatics here.

They aren't allowed to ride scooters to school. It's too busy and there are too many people. The school have banned scooters and bikes from the school grounds .

I try to really think about is my fear rational or not. In that moment it can be hard but it's good to think, reflect and do things different next time.

Ive really worked on building trust with my DC. She was a flight risk when she was little and I have some mobility problems so I kept her on reins. We'd go to the park and practice being off the reins and having good listening. Once I could trust her to listen I allowed her to go further. Make it a game. We played Stop, wait and come back. Once she got that I have her landmakes like stop at the black bin or stop at the gate.

I get why your husband is irritated. He feels you are micromanaging him and stunting the kids development. I think you need to reflect at the end of the day. Are their things they can do that you stopped them doing because of your own fear? What could you do differently next time.

I don't think its helpful to hold resentment. Is your H keeping a record/score of your perceived failings? Maybe relationship counselling will help.

I agree this is a tricky one. My mother is an over anxious parent and my dad is a clumsy one. He once closed the car door on my head and dropped me as a baby (both accidents). But on the other hand my mum is a nervous wreck. You both need to meet somewhere in the middle. Ask hubby for a serious chat, say let’s talk tonight after the kids are asleep. Say yo our OCD has affected you and you are aware you are over anxious. But also say that sometimes you feel like DH is not aware of some dangers that you can see. Ask if you can both meet in the middle, say to him if he agrees to try hard to be more careful and make an effort then you will try equally hard to make an effort in being less anxious. Then somewhere you’ll meet in the middle. Have constant catch ups and check ins. Give praise to one another and reflect on how situations have gone. After living with difficult parents I now see communication is key. Honesty is key. Self-awareness is key. Best of luck to you.