DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

Yep completely get what you’re saying. I don’t mean told him as in “you absolutely must do X”, more like “DC’s still not used to the scooter, can you make sure they take their time”

And I will be cheeky and tell you to ignore the 66 percent who are telling you you are being unreasonable - they don't sound like seasoned parents!

Mine are 26 and 18. I'd consider that pretty 'seasoned'.

This is good advice, thank you.

thank you. Sometimes he is, sometimes he isn’t.

I think the question I would ask is that if you are aware of this, what makes you think he isn't? Or wouldn't become aware of it pretty quickly?

Presumably, you didn't choose to have children woth someone you believed to be utterly useless and reckless? So you need to trust him to use his judgement just as you use yours.

You've said you know your OCD and rational brain are constantly fighting l. Have you tried just mouthing the words or whispering them to yourself rather than stating them to him?

Sometimes, I find the words/thoughts just need to be freed!

A lot of posters just think you are controlling rather than ill.

I think most people recognise that it is an illness but the result is the same as is the impact on others.

If he wants to carry them, let him carry them. He is your equal not your subordinate

my ex dh was like this, it ground me down. It was horrible. Yabu, let him carry him and find a way to stop wanting it all done your own way

For ages, DH was riddled with anxiety and he would snap or remind me of being careful many times like you OP. He was very moody and all I could look forward to was him out of the way/out of the house so I could have a breather. I think it is a form of controlling behaviour.

There wasn’t any elements of fun to parenting when he was in that mindset. I longed for a partner that was light-hearted and could find something funny to laugh about during the hard days.

When I said he needs to lighten up, he was furious.

I almost left the house with the kid, twice.

I am with him these days still and we are in a better mindset. I got through to him eventually and he realised my packed bags were no joke. I’ll never forget these snappy/moody times. He did ruin the experience to an extent.

I think OP if your DH is telling you something about your behaviour that is making things stressful, you need to listen.

I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away,

They dont just fade away. I can see you have done CBT but its clear you need much more than that. You owe it to yourself, your marriage and your kids to get on top of how OCD and anxiety are impacting your family life. If my husband was letting it control him to this extent and, in the long run, not getting help for it, I’d be furious. Sit down with your DH and discuss how you can access support and therapy.

Unless your dh is a total idiot he’s probably just in getting irked when you micro manage him and ask him to use a buggy rather than carrying child over the road. Trust me I understand anxiety it’s awful, but life becomes miserable when it takes over- for you and everyone else. Please get some help

What’s performative about a Dad with his kids on their shoulders? I used to love being on my Dad’s shoulders when I was a little kid.

You can't really argue that you are not over the top and simultaneously argue [that you are over the top because of] a diagnosed mental health condition.

So, yes, you are over the top, and by your own admission have been for four years (age of oldest).

So the debate is about whether he needs to let incident X and Y go, and whether he's kind enough. But YOU are the one who is on MumsNet relitigating X and Y. It sounds like he just wants. you. to. stop. And if it's been four years and he hasn't left you or become absolutely dreadful or given up on parenting, I'd say he has extended plenty of kindness.

So, yes, you are unreasonable and you need to fully grapple with the consequences of your conditions and the harm you are doing to your husband, your kids and your marriage. You need to focus seriously on getting better instead of focusing on being the judge - yet again! - of his reactions and actions in all of this.

I am not sure how apparent it is that someone is going to be utterly useless and reckless with children until you actually have children with them..?

I actually do know a Dad whose toddler got a pretty nasty head injury recently when they fell asleep on their Dad’s shoulders and slipped off. Concussion and some facial injuries. Never heard of any of the others, though.

What nonsense. Carrying kids on your shoulders is efficient and better for your back than carrying them on your hip and easier that the hassle of a pram (to many). Plus the kid loves it. Win/win/win.

Heaven forbid that men are seen to enjoy their children.

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare

I mean - what? Even if you’re a SAHP atm his life admin is not your responsibility. Do you have a cleaner?

I don't think she is OTT or controlling.

In relation to whether ill or not, that is to do with how she feels, if she feels ok within herself and when she is with dc on her own that is probably better guidance than what any of us can tell her.

She sounds like a normal parent. The fact that she is different from her DH is to do with the fact that they are two different people with two different sets of ideas about how to parent.

It means it’s not remotely a regular occurrence to the point that carrying out those activities is being reckless.

Repeatedly telling your child’s father how to carry the child, and to be careful while doing so, is not normal, healthy parenting, thankfully.

This.
I am quoting this as a good comment to try to help counterbalance the crazy!

On dhs side here, let him parent.

I feel drained just reading this but the poor man is living it! Really condescending

You are a wonderful mum and he is a moron. Please don't listen to morons, be they your dh or anyone else. Your children's safety is a priority.

The "repeated" is your wording, but other than that, my point is that her attitude to parenting sounds like normal parenting and occasionally telling her DH to be careful is normal, and NB this thread is about her DH telling her how to parent - so both of them are commenting on each other's parenting. Which is average.