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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my DH to take the day off today...

192 replies

2in2022twoyearson · 02/04/2025 06:20

...to look after our children as I have a virus, sore throat and ear pain mostly, very mild cough and congestion. I didn't sleep well the past two nights. Fully awake since 4 because I was too uncomfortable also, maybe poor mental health, I've had insomnia when I was pregnant, with prenatal anxiety and it's a vicious cycle. Took a lemsip at 5 which has made me feel ok, but if my DH goes to work I'll have to drive to do the school runs, go to a toddler gym I booked, which would probably be easier than staying at home, and generally care for my 2 year old. The 3pm school pick up I'm most worried about as I think I might not be able to do as if he was home I'd nap then. I'll see how I feel in an hour. I did stay home with ds a few months ago when I felt ill, was not too bad when DH left for work so didn't suggest anything and it was horrible so I decided I'd ask.

Context, I work 4 days a week with wednesdays off and yesterday I didn't feel well at work and came home an hour early. I was feverish in the night, DH comented on it.

Other options: see if childminder can have 2 year old and/ or book DD (at school) into after school club. My aunt may be free to do some childcare, she lives about 20 minutes drive as does my cousin, who also has 2 small children and Wednesdays off work but has never looked after ds.

I feel physically ok now, but that's the lemsip and I am unlikely to be able to stay awake all day.

DH is still in bed I gently asked if he'd take the day off and he, still half asleep said 'im not staying at home.' I felt suddenly so angry.i left the room because if I can argue with me he'll think I'm feeling ok.

OP posts:
MeridaBrave · 02/04/2025 12:01

Would just plough on unless vomiting non stop or similar.

Mistressofnone · 02/04/2025 12:09

Didn’t know about that service @Hwi! I’m not sure I understand your response. Was just advising vigilance as it is highly contagious and can be dangerous for young ones.

Nursemumma92 · 02/04/2025 12:15

Hwi · 02/04/2025 11:04

OK, and then what? 15 years ago there was a strep service in Boots, where they took a swab for a tenner and if positive for strep, prescribed antibiotics on the spot- they've stopped this now. So what is the point? See white spots and not get a GP appointment, like, ever?

Show quote history

You can access the sore throat pathway via a pharmacy, a pharmacist will look at your throat, swab it if they think it's necessary and prescribe antibiotics if needed.

OneLemonGuide · 02/04/2025 12:20

HermioneHerman · 02/04/2025 09:38

This is an interesting thread. Women are always expected to just carry on when they are ill, aren't they (no comment on husband having a day off or not)?

I'd be interested to know what his own threshold is for taking a sick day and what he is expected to do when ill? If he was suffering with a bad cold like you, would he take a day off work? And would he be expecting to do childcare, school runs etc at the same time? Or would he go to bed, rest, sleep it off and generally just take care of himself and his needs? I'd hazard an educated guess at the answer.

In my experience, men are just as likely to carry on regardless as women. Sure, there are some that lack resilience, but as this thread shows, that applies to some women too.

Hwi · 02/04/2025 12:38

Mistressofnone · 02/04/2025 12:09

Didn’t know about that service @Hwi! I’m not sure I understand your response. Was just advising vigilance as it is highly contagious and can be dangerous for young ones.

Apologies, you are absolutely right. I was just venting because it is impossible to get antibiotics after realising you need them - like with these white dots and strep. Apologies again, you are right to advise vigilance - maybe the OP's GP is different and they can get an appt to get antibiotics when they see the white dots - it is just impossible where I am registered

vbacqueen1 · 02/04/2025 12:43

If you feel better after having a Lemsip, just take more later……?

MrsRaspberry · 02/04/2025 12:44

Cancel the toddler gym and stay home with little one so you're not passing a virus around a bunch of kids at a play centre. Hubby doesn't need to take the day off work for you having a sore throat bug. Single parents have to do school runs regardless of a bug going around

MuminMama · 02/04/2025 13:05

You have my sympathies, but if you feel like you could safely drive, it doesn’t sound like you’re super ill and you should maybe save asking your partner to stay at home for when you really can’t manage

faerietales · 02/04/2025 13:05

HermioneHerman · 02/04/2025 09:38

This is an interesting thread. Women are always expected to just carry on when they are ill, aren't they (no comment on husband having a day off or not)?

I'd be interested to know what his own threshold is for taking a sick day and what he is expected to do when ill? If he was suffering with a bad cold like you, would he take a day off work? And would he be expecting to do childcare, school runs etc at the same time? Or would he go to bed, rest, sleep it off and generally just take care of himself and his needs? I'd hazard an educated guess at the answer.

It’s a cold, not the bubonic plague 🙄

Fuzzymuddle33 · 02/04/2025 13:07

Unfortunately (and I remember it well) being a parent is a job without days off. It’s a shame it’s fallen for you on your day with the kids. Maybe take tomorrow off your job to catch up on rest.

Fuzzymuddle33 · 02/04/2025 13:08

Same but could have a day in. PJ day with the kids and lots of TV and screen time.

GreatGardenstuff · 02/04/2025 13:12

If you feel ok once the lemsip has kicked in, then you should be ok. Stick the tv on and have a needs must day.

I think the nature of his dismissal is probably your real issue. Can you talk to him about plans for if you’re properly incapacitated, at a time when he’s fully engaged in the conversation, rather than half asleep?

Littlemisscapable · 02/04/2025 13:14

vbacqueen1 · 02/04/2025 12:43

If you feel better after having a Lemsip, just take more later……?

This. Sorry but this is just the crappy deal you get as a parent when you are ill..just crack on unless you are actually vomiting or something.. its rubbish but it's only for a few years. I would save dh taking days off for actual emergencies or if kids are sick/ have appts so you are not always the one taking off. Hope u get better soon.

JHound · 02/04/2025 13:28

KaToby · 02/04/2025 07:50

It’s a mild cold, where do you draw the line? Most people go to work with a cold and keep the house running/children cared for.
Save the days off for when they’re really needed.

Show quote history

Where I draw the line is where I drew it in my post.

Fraggeek · 02/04/2025 13:32

Yabvu

Honestly. This is ridiculously dramatic for a virus. Especially one helped by OTC medication. I really cannot roll my eyes hard enough.

Anyone else wouldn't think twice about just getting on with it. I'm actually baffled.

I'm actually quite certain this is rage bait.

tootsfan · 02/04/2025 13:35

Single mums have to cope, regardless. Step up
Anyone who has had children has had to deal with this

Sofiewoo · 02/04/2025 13:36

JHound · 02/04/2025 13:28

Where I draw the line is where I drew it in my post.

Show quote history

You think an unpaid day for your wife having a cold when she says she “feels okay” in their first post is necessary or going to go down well?

Tiddlywinkly · 02/04/2025 13:49

Being ill and having to look after kids was one of the things I hadn't thought through before having them. It's awful. The only thing worse is being ill and also looking after ill kids.

Easy day in front of the TV.

ArtyFartyHippopotamus · 02/04/2025 14:10

Seriously, if someone feels so unwell that they can’t care for their children then typing out a post for Mumsnet would be the last thing on my agenda.

NinjaPaws · 02/04/2025 14:52

Sofiewoo · 02/04/2025 11:59

What’s your point?
Are you suggesting that somehow makes him a good husband or father?

Show quote history

Not at all - just saying that was HIS attitude. The chances of him taking a day off because I felt under the weather - NIL. Soon to be exH (fingers crossed)

AnnoyinglyOptimistic · 02/04/2025 16:14

Goldyyup · 02/04/2025 09:49

Man with very important job must not take time off work. Instead other women are expected to step in.

When my eldest DD had chicken pox and was off nursery, it was my FIL that stepped in to help with childcare while DP and I worked. I WFH full-time and nobody expected me to take on all of the childcare whilst trying to continue working.

Sometimes it's simply a case of whoever is available to help, and often that happens to be another woman. Also in our case, I would expect my DP to go to work while I stayed home, he's self-employed whereas I'm employed - yes he's flexible with his work, but my work is flexible AND I get paid (holidays/sick/flexible hours).

Emanresuunknown · 02/04/2025 16:47

2in2022twoyearson · 02/04/2025 06:20

...to look after our children as I have a virus, sore throat and ear pain mostly, very mild cough and congestion. I didn't sleep well the past two nights. Fully awake since 4 because I was too uncomfortable also, maybe poor mental health, I've had insomnia when I was pregnant, with prenatal anxiety and it's a vicious cycle. Took a lemsip at 5 which has made me feel ok, but if my DH goes to work I'll have to drive to do the school runs, go to a toddler gym I booked, which would probably be easier than staying at home, and generally care for my 2 year old. The 3pm school pick up I'm most worried about as I think I might not be able to do as if he was home I'd nap then. I'll see how I feel in an hour. I did stay home with ds a few months ago when I felt ill, was not too bad when DH left for work so didn't suggest anything and it was horrible so I decided I'd ask.

Context, I work 4 days a week with wednesdays off and yesterday I didn't feel well at work and came home an hour early. I was feverish in the night, DH comented on it.

Other options: see if childminder can have 2 year old and/ or book DD (at school) into after school club. My aunt may be free to do some childcare, she lives about 20 minutes drive as does my cousin, who also has 2 small children and Wednesdays off work but has never looked after ds.

I feel physically ok now, but that's the lemsip and I am unlikely to be able to stay awake all day.

DH is still in bed I gently asked if he'd take the day off and he, still half asleep said 'im not staying at home.' I felt suddenly so angry.i left the room because if I can argue with me he'll think I'm feeling ok.

Why did you wait til 5am to take something? If I woke at 4 feeling ill I'd pop two paracetamol which generally start working in around 10 mins. You don't need to toss and turn for an hour feeling awful?
I wouldnt expect my husband to stay home for something like this when OTC medicines will improve symptoms a lot. It would make him look quite unreliable at work to be absent at short notice unnecessarily.
Days like this are when the TV is your friend, as others have said don't take your toddler out spreading your germs just rest at home, drink lots of fluids and keep taking OTC meds. Get an early night tonight, go to bed when the kids go.

Boomer55 · 02/04/2025 16:52

It doesn’t really need a drama. Just press on.

TicklishMintDuck · 02/04/2025 17:40

Oh dear, you’ve a cold - just get on with it! I know we all have different tolerance levels, but seriously?

Mistressofnone · 02/04/2025 21:13

@HwiI totally get that frustration. I left mine 5 days before calling the GP - redialled 27 times to get in the queue. Was lucky to be seen by the duty doctor though. This has been helpful to know that pharmacists can help in future.