To expect my DH to take the day off today...

[2in2022twoyearson]

...to look after our children as I have a virus, sore throat and ear pain mostly, very mild cough and congestion. I didn't sleep well the past two nights. Fully awake since 4 because I was too uncomfortable also, maybe poor mental health, I've had insomnia when I was pregnant, with prenatal anxiety and it's a vicious cycle. Took a lemsip at 5 which has made me feel ok, but if my DH goes to work I'll have to drive to do the school runs, go to a toddler gym I booked, which would probably be easier than staying at home, and generally care for my 2 year old. The 3pm school pick up I'm most worried about as I think I might not be able to do as if he was home I'd nap then. I'll see how I feel in an hour. I did stay home with ds a few months ago when I felt ill, was not too bad when DH left for work so didn't suggest anything and it was horrible so I decided I'd ask.

Context, I work 4 days a week with wednesdays off and yesterday I didn't feel well at work and came home an hour early. I was feverish in the night, DH comented on it.

Other options: see if childminder can have 2 year old and/ or book DD (at school) into after school club. My aunt may be free to do some childcare, she lives about 20 minutes drive as does my cousin, who also has 2 small children and Wednesdays off work but has never looked after ds.

I feel physically ok now, but that's the lemsip and I am unlikely to be able to stay awake all day.

DH is still in bed I gently asked if he'd take the day off and he, still half asleep said 'im not staying at home.' I felt suddenly so angry.i left the room because if I can argue with me he'll think I'm feeling ok.

I don’t think this quite meets the threshold I’m afraid. But I’d book as much childcare through after school clubs and childminder as you can so rest and recover.

I might be being a hypocrite though as few weeks ago my husband had to take a day off as I was poorly. I had mastitis which was very painful with a high fever and I did sleep most of the day. In that state I didn’t think I could look after 3 children including my 12 week old and do both the school and nursery runs…

Your right 'EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness' I don't normally get ill so am worrying about how I'll cope.

This is an interesting thread. Women are always expected to just carry on when they are ill, aren't they (no comment on husband having a day off or not)?

I'd be interested to know what his own threshold is for taking a sick day and what he is expected to do when ill? If he was suffering with a bad cold like you, would he take a day off work? And would he be expecting to do childcare, school runs etc at the same time? Or would he go to bed, rest, sleep it off and generally just take care of himself and his needs? I'd hazard an educated guess at the answer.

Well done, OP! It's horrible being ill with small people to look after and you can be forgiven for dreading it but it sounds like you're smashing it now

I would only ask dh to stay off if i was hospitalised etc...

Having kids to look after when you're so poorly is rough! Feel better soon.

Glad you’re not feeling as bad as you thought you might OP. It’s rubbish feeling ill when you can’t just rest but if the little one will let you, it’s a perfect excuse for chilling on the sofa and watching the TV!

YABU. Your husband has to work, OP. Work us important. You're feeling a bit rough, but you're not at deaths door.

How would you feel if you had, say, an operation booked for today and you were told that it was cancelled because the surgeon was at home with his kids as his wife (also at home) has a cold? You'd be furious.

The threshold is can they look after children safely. DH had to take time off when I had flu for example. He also adjusted his day for doing school runs and a medical appointment for DD when I had a migraine and couldn't drive.
Same criteria for if a man was looking after his own children.

It is shit but its also practical as most people do not have unlimited days off.

Man with very important job must not take time off work. Instead other women are expected to step in.

I don't know about anyone else, but my husband never takes time off sick. Still helps with the baby and around the house like I do when unwell.

Alot of men are really great help and don't deserve the bashing. Sorry if yours isn't.

I think you're worrying about what might happen rather than thinking of coping strategies for what is actually happening.

You'll manage.

🙄 I as a woman would also say no to staying off work for this. I do also have an important job.

My mother in law would help, but guess what that's because she's free not because she's a woman.

Good for you. Hope you feel better soon.

I wouldn't expect DH to have taken a day off if I had a cold which I could stave off with lemsip or paracetamol, no. Only if I was really ill and couldn't get off sofa or toilet.
I think I asked him once to come home when DCs were young as I really did not feel well at all.
See if you can muster help, if not then dose up and do your best. TV and easy food.

My DH would go into work late to do the school run for me, but not take the day off. He'd then ask his mum to do school pick up for me, I know this because this is what happened a couple of times in the past.
Hope you feel better soon.

So melodramatic. Your poor DH. Its shit looking after kids when you have a cold but you just get on with it. Can't be the first time for you.

I wasn't suggesting he should take a day off or not, I was only commenting on the fact that when men are unwell, they very often only need/expect to focus on themselves and resting to recover. Women so often just have to carry on regardless.

I wouldn’t expect my partner to take a day off if I was unwell. If you’re well enough to consider attending toddler gym, you’re not unwell enough to require that your partner takes a day off.
And surely you shouldn’t be attending somewhere with toddlers if you’re potentially infectious?

Keep your child home, ask another friend or family member to help with school pick up and stick the tv on to entertain the kids until your partner is home.

Nope, my husband is wonderful, nothing to do with my own situation at all. Just social commentary on the general expectation that women will/have to carry on when they are ill, in a way that many men don't. I didn't suggest he should take a day off.

We don't have kids but run our own business and my DH gets migraines. He doesn't take a day off work, he just tries to work through as he can from home and take breaks to sleep/throw up when he's able. He would barely notice a bad cold.

OK, and then what? 15 years ago there was a strep service in Boots, where they took a swab for a tenner and if positive for strep, prescribed antibiotics on the spot- they've stopped this now. So what is the point? See white spots and not get a GP appointment, like, ever?

I feel you OP, I’m on day 6 of a horrible virus. I had to solo parent 2yo DD Friday, Saturday and Sunday as DH had to work - so had a very rough Mother’s Day feeling sorry for myself! It’s crap, but just one of those things you have to push through..

FWIW, DH has now caught it and will be taking DD out later on his own as I now have to work. Goes both ways!

My DH didn't even take the day off when I was suffering with cancer and the treatments, when our daughter was 4.

That’s absolutely appalling.

What’s your point?
Are you suggesting that somehow makes him a good husband or father?