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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my DH to take the day off today...

192 replies

2in2022twoyearson · 02/04/2025 06:20

...to look after our children as I have a virus, sore throat and ear pain mostly, very mild cough and congestion. I didn't sleep well the past two nights. Fully awake since 4 because I was too uncomfortable also, maybe poor mental health, I've had insomnia when I was pregnant, with prenatal anxiety and it's a vicious cycle. Took a lemsip at 5 which has made me feel ok, but if my DH goes to work I'll have to drive to do the school runs, go to a toddler gym I booked, which would probably be easier than staying at home, and generally care for my 2 year old. The 3pm school pick up I'm most worried about as I think I might not be able to do as if he was home I'd nap then. I'll see how I feel in an hour. I did stay home with ds a few months ago when I felt ill, was not too bad when DH left for work so didn't suggest anything and it was horrible so I decided I'd ask.

Context, I work 4 days a week with wednesdays off and yesterday I didn't feel well at work and came home an hour early. I was feverish in the night, DH comented on it.

Other options: see if childminder can have 2 year old and/ or book DD (at school) into after school club. My aunt may be free to do some childcare, she lives about 20 minutes drive as does my cousin, who also has 2 small children and Wednesdays off work but has never looked after ds.

I feel physically ok now, but that's the lemsip and I am unlikely to be able to stay awake all day.

DH is still in bed I gently asked if he'd take the day off and he, still half asleep said 'im not staying at home.' I felt suddenly so angry.i left the room because if I can argue with me he'll think I'm feeling ok.

OP posts:
itsmeits · 02/04/2025 07:15

Ilovelurchers · 02/04/2025 07:11

Everyone, she mentions her mental health is poor at the moment. Rather than telling her to "soldier on", maybe we need to listen to that.....

OP, only you know what you can and can't do. If you can't do it, it's fine to admit you can't do it. And reach out for help in whatever form that takes.

You don't have to be physically "ill enough" to deserve help. If you can't cope right now you can't cope. And that's ok. Happens to a lot of us one time or another.

So her DP is expected to ring in and say DP needs mental health day I'm not coming in.
Sure that will go down well.
MH can be a bit crap when you feel ill.
It called feeling sorry for ourselves not a flaming crisis.

Chipsahoy · 02/04/2025 07:15

Can’t dh do school run this morning. Then you and toddler can have a tv and duvet day?

Greatto · 02/04/2025 07:16

No, I wouldn't expect my DH to stay off work and would expect, in your situation to just get on with it.

You are well enough to write a long post on here, suggesting that you will be ok today.

onwardsup4 · 02/04/2025 07:19

Only proper flu or bad d and v would I expect mine to stay off, and even then…
awful being poorly and looking after kids I know but it does sound like you’ll manage

LoveFridaynight · 02/04/2025 07:19

Think I'd ask your aunt to do the afternoon school run if she can as it sounds like that's the worst thing.
Or even ask if your DH can use his "lunch hour" to pick up your eldest from school. Other than that take it easy. Just use the TV for one day.
Or ring CM if she can have your youngest and your aunt can do the afternoon school run it will make your life easier.
It would be nice if DH took the day off but he's said no so that's not an option.

Purplefoalfoot · 02/04/2025 07:20

My DH stays off for serious problems like when my herniated disc gets too bad or I have a migraine and can’t lift my head off the pillow without vomiting. A cold? No way would I expect that.

Iknowaboutpopular · 02/04/2025 07:22

YABtotallyU. Sorry.

Its not nice to be ill and tired and having to look after anyone as well but you have a mild case at the most. You need to just get on with it I'm afraid.

Snugglemonkey · 02/04/2025 07:25

itsmeits · 02/04/2025 06:37

You think you will be okay to take 2yo to the thing you have booked.
you are fine if you are considering going out - if its the lensips working take another.

No she won't. She needs to keep her germs to herself! Why infection a whole load of toddlers and their caregivers?

Strictlymad · 02/04/2025 07:26

no Need for dh to stay home of you have a virus that’s helped by a lemsip, if I got dh to stay home after I’d had a bad night he’d never be at work. Run the oldest to school, come home and stick tv on and have a rest, take paracetamol. And please don’t go to the toddler gym, you don’t know who could be there who’s vulnerable and you could make them really ill to make your day a little easier.

RatandToad · 02/04/2025 07:26

You have a bit of a head cold. That does not merit a spouse taking a day off work to look after the children. If it was one of them off sick and affecting work for both of you, then yes, it should be shared. As it is, have a lazy TV day with the toddler, nap when they nap rather than decide in advance that you want to do it at the most awkward moment during the school run time.

Eachpeachpearprune · 02/04/2025 07:29

No. You said you feel physically ok after a lemsip. Why does your husband need to stay at home if you feel ok? Just keep on top of the lemsips. We’ve all been there..: you just have a chilled day, garden, CBeebies, playing at home for the toddler.

NestaArcheron · 02/04/2025 07:29

It doesn’t sound like you’re unwell enough for him to be off work to be honest - especially if you’re planning on taking a toddler out, which you absolutely shouldn’t if your unwell, that’s very selfish - just crash out on the sofa and let toddler have a movie day. Bring duvets down and make it all snuggly

RedSkyDelights · 02/04/2025 07:29

I'm with others - if you're well enough to consider that you could go to the toddler gym (which is not an essential) then you are well enough to make it through the day.

Find a school parent to do the school run for you as a minimum. That in itself will probably make you feel better.

RatandToad · 02/04/2025 07:30

Snugglemonkey · 02/04/2025 07:25

No she won't. She needs to keep her germs to herself! Why infection a whole load of toddlers and their caregivers?

Show quote history

I think the point was that she is still saying she feels well enough to go out, so isn't really all that ill.

Although those places are festering swamps of viruses anyway.

Sayithowiseeit · 02/04/2025 07:30

YABU

You have a cold. Don't go and spread germs at a baby gym.

Im a single parent, I've managed with a broken foot, MH issues needing inpatient care, looked after my kids the day after an operation. A cold is just a cold, you just need to put your big girl pants on and get on with it.

Bearhunt468 · 02/04/2025 07:32

I think I'd soldier on but with the request that if I get significantly worse I'd phone. Id also contact the childminder/aunt as first option. Right now your getting worried when there may be be a solution.

Clearinguptheclutter · 02/04/2025 07:33

It sounds rubbish but you don’t sound “that” ill. Have a duvet day with the dc and watch films.

when my kids were very small I told my dh in no uncertain terms he had to look after DCs when I had norovirus. I physically couldn’t look after them.

rainingsnoring · 02/04/2025 07:33

No, I definitely wouldn't have asked DH to take a day off for a mild virus. You seem to feel well enough to go to toddler gym so can't be that poorly at all.
I would only expect him to take a day off if it was unsafe for me to care for young children or literally couldn't get out of bed. You just need to get on with it as a parent in this sort of circumstance.

Housemouse245 · 02/04/2025 07:34

Please don’t go to baby gym and give everyone your cold! But also colds are just part of parenting, you just have to crack on.

Codlingmoths · 02/04/2025 07:34

Chocguzel · 02/04/2025 06:24

I think for a sore throat and slight fever I’d soldier on and maybe ask for help as you have described from. Relative or friend.

Vomiting viruses are a different story.

If one partner has to take time off for another partner’s viruses plus their own viruses and maybe some of the days the kids are ill so someone has to be off work then it becomes problematic with their employer.

i hope you feel better soon.

I agree this isn’t quite the level of husband taking time off work. In general I strongly support men caring for their children when their partner is unwell but this does sound stagger through the day level. (If you had more of an actual fever ongoing, I’d change my mind) His reaction was pretty shit though and I hope he gets a bad cold and you can leave dd at home with him and waltz out to do the shop.

ITurnedMyCollarToTheColdAndDamp · 02/04/2025 07:35

The mn bar for illness requiring help is quite high op, so I was all prepared to agree with you. However, it really does sound like you can manage this, and dh's presence, while it would be nice of course, is just not necessary. Cancel the toddler gym thing and anything else unnecessary. Take paracetamol regularly and take it easy, call in other help if you can, and pretty much unlimited cbeebies or whatever floats their boat. Yes it's shit but it's just a day, you can do it. I think you should save the goodwill of dh's boss assuming he has one and DH himself for when you are actually very ill.

If he has the type of job and day that he could very easily work from home and he is being completely dismissive or cruel about it that of course is a different conversation.

I hope you feel better soon x

Livingbytheocean · 02/04/2025 07:44

It’s a cold. You battle on.

JHound · 02/04/2025 07:44

I would expect him to take the day off. “My wife is sick and I need the day to manage leave for the kids.”

I know others would “soldier through” but I would feel hideous trying to take care of kids when sick.

LittleBigHead · 02/04/2025 07:45

And presumably you could take tomorrow off as sick leave from your paid work.

JosieB68 · 02/04/2025 07:47

It’s rubbish feeling unwell and having children to look after but I’d definitely see if 2 year old can go to childcare and if not guess just have to get on with it. My DH works away and I’ve had a time where I was vomiting into a bowl while my toddler was hanging off my leg, it was bloody awful but it passed and so will this.
Hope you feel better soon but no I wouldn’t expect him to take a day off for a cold.