Friend commented about my timekeeping

[newstome23]

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

Haven’t read all the replies as they were pissing me off - I don’t think you’re the one at fault!

Shit happens - traffic, accidents, road blockages, etc, etc. It’s not like you’re doing it on purpose or being careless about your time.

Its easy for your friend to criticise - she doesn’t have to make any effort to be anywhere ‘on time’!

Interesting that you're never late for an IMPORTANT event. Your friend isn't important

My opinion is that being late regularly is disrespectful and unkind

I wouldn't give a lift to your friend if it annoys you. Make up some reason why you can't give lifts and see what happens. Maybe she won't want to meet you if she has to make some effort

But PLEASE stop being late!

This is going to be a test of your friendship. She has been honest with you, now you need to be honest with her. Tell her (in a friendly tone) how much trouble it is to pick her up. If she is a good friend she will hear you out and work towards a solution. From what you have said I am sensing it may not be so straightforward which may be why you have been reluctant to broach the subject. But time will tell. And if you don’t speak up you will become increasingly resentful until you explode. Which will be terrible. Be strong. Talk to her. Good luck!

Next time just say I’ll meet you there, I have errands to run before hand so can’t pick you up.

then rinse & repeat till she gets the message.

She isn’t late for work or other important events because she hasn’t got the additional task of having to double back on herself to pick up her friend.

I am usually in the 'leave earlier, being late is rude' camp and often leave extravagantly early in order to sit outside somewhere for 15 minutes because I am SO early. However, in this case...

These meetings are, presumably, informal fun catch ups. So NOT like work, catching a plane, meetings which must run to time, and you're driving 30 minutes out of your way to pick someone up who is quite capable of travelling under their own steam. Yes, you could leave earlier to make certain of being on time, but if it's a fun catch up/day out, presumably timing isn't imperative. Maybe give your friend a 'time window' each time - I can pick you up around tennish depending on traffic?

If it is just for catch ups then I don't think friend should be so prescriptive about timings as she is the one being driven door to door. Yes, it's annoying to have to wait, but she's at home and what would she be doing otherwise? Waiting outside for a bus? Buses aren't always exactly prompt either.

Nothing more to be said than this.

Sorry OP, but you really are a doormat.
Stop the lifts.
It no longer suits you.
In fact I'd blow her off completely.

In the circumstances, she should be more tolerant, she's gaining more and has cheek go complain

Even quicker if OP pulled out from the constant taxi-ing.
That would be too much for me.

Well that rules you out living in Birmingham

You are being very rude. You’re telling her that your time is more important than hers.

Giving her lifts is another issue. Why not say to her next time she suggests something that you’ll meet her half way as you don’t want to drive this time? Or suggest she comes to you as you’re trying to cut down on petrol costs. Or various other ways of suggesting that you’re not always going to drive?

Sounds like you're both taking the piss in different ways. You seem to think that doing her a favour gives you a free pass to be late, and she should just be grateful regardless. That’s not how respect works. But she’s also out of order expecting lifts all the time without offering to meet you halfway, contribute to costs, or sort her own transport. Two people quietly resenting each other but saying nothing directly. No wonder it’s boiling over. Either talk about it properly or stop doing each other half-arsed favours with strings attached.

Late for what? If you were casually meeting up, didn’t have to be anywhere for a particular time and she was waiting at home for you to pick her up (rather than stood in the street) then she sounds very uptight.

Who gives a shit if you’re 15 mins late? You’re giving her a lift FFS.

But I’d just let her comment go. Next time you arrange a time, make it later than you plan to be and get there early. If she’s not ready, you can wait in your car.

I would not be offended at someone being 10-15 mins late if I'm just sat at home waiting for them to give me a lift. You're not a taxi service. You are going out of your way and incurring costs to collect her.

I would tell her you agree your timing is an issue and from now on you will meet her at the coffee shop.

I don't like people who run late but this is a completely different situation. Firstly, it's ten minutes in her own home. But most importantly, she's wasting ten minutes on you, but you are wasting an hour on her. So you are fifty minutes ahead, every meet up.

Does she want you to pick her up because she knows you’ll be late and would rather wait in her own house than in a coffee shop somewhere? That’s what I’d guess!

The OP is not being "a free taxi service", for her friend except for occasions when it is just her and the friend meeting up.

It could be that the friend is really not bothered about seeing the OP, and the OP knows that if she doesn't pick her up, the friend just won't go and won't be at all concerned about that.

If that means "she's not that good a friend then" well, maybe not, but we don't all have to be keen to see people who are keen to see us. But if it's the OP who is keen on having these meetings, it's the OP who has to go out of her way for them.

The only way to find out is to stop picking her up, and if that results in them not seeing each other, then she will know the friend was only doing it for her sake in the first place.

2 separate issues. I often drive as I'm not a big drinker and I'm generally happy to go out of my way to pick up/drop off friends but only because I know they appreciate it and they reciprocate in other ways over time. That said, it's still not unreasonable to assume because I'm driving i can just rock up late. There are unavoidable things that can make us late but things like being held up by the binmen suggest a lack of organisation, as I think most people would allow time for delays.

Is this a friendship you value? You seem annoyed at her lack of effort and she seems frustrated with your time keeping - perhaps the friendship has run it's course?

I hate lateness. It's incredibly rude and tells the other person their time is not as important as yours. It's selfish and inconsiderate. you know you are always late - sort this out.

If you don't want to pick her up then don't. But don't confuse the 2 issues.

As I said above I usually hate lateness and am pathologically early for everything. However, I have a friend who I meet up with once a week - she drives over to me (a distance of about two miles) and we take my dog for a walk together. I work, she doesn't, and some weeks when she's over I have to go to work afterwards, other weeks I am off and timing doesn't matter. She's supposed to arrive an hour earlier on weeks when I'm working but her times can vary by up to an hour and a half. I can sometimes get twitchy on a work day, because I have to get the dog walked and then change to leave for work by a particular time.

However, I love my friend, she's not worked since her son was born so time keeping isn't of the essence for her and she's coming over to see me. I'm never going to be late for work because of her time swings and sometimes she genuinely has to park in town on her way over and it can take ages. I'm sitting at home with my book until she arrives, so, despite making me twitchy, it's no real skin off my nose if she's later.

What I'm really saying is - how much are either of you benefiting from your meet ups, OP? If your friend is really a good friend, then surely they understand that travelling for 30 minutes means you can't exactly set your watch by arrival times.

I don't see this in the OP. Is it something you have said to someone? Or that someone has said to you? Or just an example of how not to talk to friends? Confused.

But with a very 'important' event, such as a flight departure or a job interview, the way you ensure you aren't late is by leaving very early and most probably arriving early.

OP is already giving up an hour of her time to the ungrateful friend, but according to a PP, she should give up even more of her time to avoid possibly arriving a little later to the friend's home and sit in her car wasting an additional 15 minutes doing a sudoku!!

At any rate, just because an event is not time-critical, that doesn't mean that it isn't important. We feed our DS every evening - and I consider this a very important thing to do at a suitable time - but if you stood there with a stopwatch each day, you'd find that it isn't done to exact military time every evening.

Some of the people on here! I'm sure, if their Grandma gave them a very kind cheque for £50,000 out of the blue, they'd still tell her off for not respecting their time and forcing them to go to the bank, when she should have done an instant bank transfer instead!

I think they’re two separate issues too.

1. I think you should stop giving her lifts as you clearly resent it and feel like a free taxi. That’s understandable and I would feel the same! The “expectation element is the worst part”. I would tell her you want to meet at the venue from now on.
2. Being late isn’t really fair on the other person, as they’re left waiting around. I get that sometimes it isn’t your fault, but as you can make it to “important” meetings, you’re clearly treating your friend as less important.