Page 15 | To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

SpaceMoo · 2025-04-01T08:44:44+00:00

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc. Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused. It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 01/04/2025 22:19

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 13:12

Okay I will reread at a slower pace. I’ve just come back for a tea break peak at the replies. I might be playing this angry. DH is sick of me going on about this too he just said.

Well I am sure you are more sick that you are down £40k! He needs to back off - you have every right to be angry. He's an idiotic fool who doesn't know a con artist when he sees one!

Grammarnut · 01/04/2025 22:41

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:39

Thank you. I said this when he asked me to sign the remortgage agreement and said I will have to find a solicitor of my own to protect my assets from DH and his greedy friends. He did back off. He was taking a lot of financial advice from her.

She had told him to put our house in a trust for our kids etc. I don’t trust her advice.

Show quote history

In fact putting a property into trust is a good idea - just make sure each of you are trustees (and not her).

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 23:00

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:58

We were doing up our house, a massive renovation project and had sold an investment property. We got out personal loans and put kitchen on finance repayments - (at the beginning of the project) so ended up having a fair bit of money left over because we didn’t continue with some of the extension plans. Some plans like extension for downstairs wetroom, driveway and front porch didn’t happen because of timing and builder problems. We are def not flush! Had been saving up for ever and working overtime for this kitchen extension.

The money wasn’t ‘left over’, btw, we should just pay back the loans and kitchen. I hate having debt. DH thinks it’s ok.

This is awful. You have taken out a loan and the leant that loaned money to their family but she is refusing to get a loan to pay you back because she doesn't like debt, even though she is in debt to you?
Are you sure she and your husband aren't having an affair I can't see why else he would do this?

purplehair1 · 01/04/2025 23:08

She advised YOU to re-mortgage your property? After moaning that it’s hard to get loans? Cheeky cow. I would be absolutely livid.

DahliaBlooming · 01/04/2025 23:10

WTF have I just read? This has to be one of the most insane things I've ever heard of. There is something seriously wrong with your husband and your marriage.

TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 23:10

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 23:00

This is awful. You have taken out a loan and the leant that loaned money to their family but she is refusing to get a loan to pay you back because she doesn't like debt, even though she is in debt to you?
Are you sure she and your husband aren't having an affair I can't see why else he would do this?

Show quote history

Are you sure she and your husband aren't having an affair I can't see why else he would do this?

Yes, they seen far too over-enmeshed in each other. And, the fact he has moved himself to another bedroom. Hmmmm

PollyG23 · 01/04/2025 23:15

Ignore

purplehair1 · 01/04/2025 23:18

It sounds like she’s not trying to avoid you. Is your relationship such that you could message her, woman to woman, and say that you know your DH wouldn’t want to stress her, but that you really need this money back due to (whatever) and it’s actually causing a breakdown in your relationship as you’ve been rowing about it. Something like that. She may think you’re loaded and can afford to wait. Plus I’d be charging her interest, especially as it’s basically from a loan you took out? She should very much cover that.

expat321 · 02/04/2025 05:52

DahliaBlooming · 01/04/2025 23:10

WTF have I just read? This has to be one of the most insane things I've ever heard of. There is something seriously wrong with your husband and your marriage.

Was about to say the same thing. This is utterly insane reading.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 02/04/2025 07:06

Why do you/your dh even care what these people think of you??? A doctor? Professional people? FGS, why did they need money from friends? Don't pussyfoot around. It just makes you look like a stupid amateur.
Get legal advice now.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 02/04/2025 07:10

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:14

I have considered a divorce. DH is always doing this (the savings was burning a hole in his pocket!) but in the past it’s been with family who have always paid it back. No loan agreement. I didn’t event realise he would be this stupid. We have been friends with them for over two decades. They are ‘visibly rich’. Big house, two cars each, gated house. I felt silly to be questioning if they would give it back.

She asked to borrow, she does have a house we know about. We’ve seen it. She did have problems with her tenants who she couldn’t evict and has a court hearing to evict them. Then she can sell the property and give us the money back. This is all true and I believe it. Problem is it’s taken her longer to give us the money back and now we are tied into her selling this house of hers and have to hear about it, keep up with it like it all depends on this. She can afford to give us the money back without selling the house.

I don’t know if I’m being extra anxious and suspicious and DH keeps saying I don’t do risky things etc and has cornered me into feeling like I’m being petty.

sorry op. I don’t think you’re ever going to get this money back. This “friend” used your husband’s stupidity (what kind of twat goes around lending out money to random people because the money is burning a hole in his pocket?? And what kind of twatS lend out thousands written a formal agreement??)
You’ve got a massive husband problem. But also, why on earth did you agree with this? It wasn’t your husband’s money to do with as he pleased, it was FAMILY money.
Your chances of getting this money back basically relies on the generosity of the “friend” as you cannot proof you lent out the money.
You need to deal with your husband. And not by making him sleep in the spare bedroom but by sitting down and having an adult conversation about the future of your FAMILY finances and that going forward not a penny is going to go to be lent out to anyone (friend or family). (I’d have a very critical look at all financial decisions made by your husband - mortgage, insurances, investments, pensions.. the lot… he is clearly financially very gullible. But also take a critical look at your own role in this situation. It’s time to stop doing what he suggests. You are also part of this relationship and had a right to say “no we’re not lending our money out to others”).

GnomeDePlume · 02/04/2025 09:21

On the whole I think you will probably eventually see some of the money back but it will take a lot of stress/pushing on your part. In the process you will lose this friendship:

she will realise with you paying attention your DH will no longer be a useful idiot to have around.
you will no longer be able to tolerate her as you can now see her 'wealth' is fake.

Your DH needs to get his head out of the sand. She isn't a financial genius otherwise she wouldn't have needed to borrow this money from him. Borrowing/lending money isn't what wealthy friends do for each other.

The free financial advice isn't necessarily good advice. Your DH has had his head turned by talk of trust funds etc. Your DH thinks he has joined a special club, he hasn't.

Thursday5pmisginoclock · 02/04/2025 10:14

Have you calculated how much this is costing you in terms of outstanding mortgage/loans - I.e the interest you’re incurring by not using this money to reduce your debts? She should be covering this too!! Any financial adviser would realise there is a cost of this capital. She has taken your husband for a ride

Original poster

SpaceMoo · 02/04/2025 11:45

Some updates.

Our kitchen finance was 0% (Wrens kitchen). (It’s the dream kitchen we’ve been saving up for, working towards and should have been able to pay for if we hadn’t planned the driveway, porch, and downstairs wetroom). We have a separate loan we took out that we’re paying off, we got a good interest rate, so it’s okay. Manageable. The other things are now on hold because extension of kitchen and new kitchen units worktops cooker etc just was a nightmare. Builders messed us about, death in the family of one of the builders dragged what should have been a two week job into 3 months. Okay never mind. We also had some renovation on rest of the house, patio, bathroom etc but we had money for that and have used that up. Plus my eldest son had exams and we needed some normality so we put a stop to the building work.
Plans were on hold, and I think DH thought this money will be needed when we do the rest of the renovation.

tbh I am not slightest bit fussed about the rest of the renovation, have barely had anyone round due to the stress and arguments with DH. We have no builders or building work left, everything’s lovely and tidy and we’ve decided, (I think) to not go ahead with the rest of the plans. I personally think it’s better to pay off the loans, and have a bit of a holiday. People can park their car up the road 😛

Architect said these plans will need re-applying for planning permission again in a few years (?) it’s on a hold. DH is keen on the renovation someday soon.
DH thought we will need the money then. (Because he’s a plonker he discusses every bit of our finances with this friend)

She had asked to borrow it for son’s house.
It had nothing to do with her ability to sell her other property. Son has moved in and is living happily ever after in his dream home - but we did not get our money back. And she has decided to tell us her tenant story continuously - so we are invested in this property.

After I started this thread and spoke to DH yesterday

DH has spoken to friend and in a foul mood blurted out he wants the money back and can’t wait for them to sell their house. He said he needs it back and lied and said some of it wasn’t his and needs to pay back his sister who he’s seeing next week.
Why can’t he just blame me I don’t know. He is adamant he wants to stay friends with her and felt sick he’s putting her through this while she’s had a rough day 🤨
She had a court case with tenants which didn’t go well, and was just having the usual catchup and reeling him into being invested into her ‘can’t sell/ can’t give back money yet sorry’ sob story.

He said to me that She said she will give us the money back as soon as possible. I said, you should have recorded that conversation.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpaceMoo · 02/04/2025 11:52

Really thank you all for your advice.

Posters have mentioned, she hasn’t actually stolen the money. So she’s not done anything wrong. I agree. Currently she’s not done anything illegal, right?

I think DH is not being honest with me.

Is this a con, or my daft DH trying to ‘help out a friend’ in his own stupid way. That is way too much money to be helping a friend who we are not close to. He thinks he can trust her as she’s never said she’s NOT going to be giving it back.

Sometimes I wonder if I need a divorce or a holiday!

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 02/04/2025 11:54

Why can’t he just blame me I don’t know. He is adamant he wants to stay friends with her and felt sick he’s putting her through this while she’s had a rough day 🤨

And this is why you are unlikley to get any money back. There will always be some bullshit excuse followed by a personal crisis.
Just wait for her to "share" that she is battling cancer - the CF we had round here even had people (she owed money to) driving her to chemo and providing childcare!!!

Calliopespa · 02/04/2025 11:54

SpaceMoo · 02/04/2025 11:45

Some updates.

Our kitchen finance was 0% (Wrens kitchen). (It’s the dream kitchen we’ve been saving up for, working towards and should have been able to pay for if we hadn’t planned the driveway, porch, and downstairs wetroom). We have a separate loan we took out that we’re paying off, we got a good interest rate, so it’s okay. Manageable. The other things are now on hold because extension of kitchen and new kitchen units worktops cooker etc just was a nightmare. Builders messed us about, death in the family of one of the builders dragged what should have been a two week job into 3 months. Okay never mind. We also had some renovation on rest of the house, patio, bathroom etc but we had money for that and have used that up. Plus my eldest son had exams and we needed some normality so we put a stop to the building work.
Plans were on hold, and I think DH thought this money will be needed when we do the rest of the renovation.

tbh I am not slightest bit fussed about the rest of the renovation, have barely had anyone round due to the stress and arguments with DH. We have no builders or building work left, everything’s lovely and tidy and we’ve decided, (I think) to not go ahead with the rest of the plans. I personally think it’s better to pay off the loans, and have a bit of a holiday. People can park their car up the road 😛

Architect said these plans will need re-applying for planning permission again in a few years (?) it’s on a hold. DH is keen on the renovation someday soon.
DH thought we will need the money then. (Because he’s a plonker he discusses every bit of our finances with this friend)

She had asked to borrow it for son’s house.
It had nothing to do with her ability to sell her other property. Son has moved in and is living happily ever after in his dream home - but we did not get our money back. And she has decided to tell us her tenant story continuously - so we are invested in this property.

After I started this thread and spoke to DH yesterday

DH has spoken to friend and in a foul mood blurted out he wants the money back and can’t wait for them to sell their house. He said he needs it back and lied and said some of it wasn’t his and needs to pay back his sister who he’s seeing next week.
Why can’t he just blame me I don’t know. He is adamant he wants to stay friends with her and felt sick he’s putting her through this while she’s had a rough day 🤨
She had a court case with tenants which didn’t go well, and was just having the usual catchup and reeling him into being invested into her ‘can’t sell/ can’t give back money yet sorry’ sob story.

He said to me that She said she will give us the money back as soon as possible. I said, you should have recorded that conversation.

That’s a positive update op, on lots of fronts.

It did give me a small flash of understanding how DH has got himself into this. It sounds as though her job has prompted him to open up too much - probably just because he was needing a sounding board about finances. We all do at times; it’s why you are on here!

She has then taken advantage of that trust.

I do hope it all works out for you and that you dodge some of the more lurid plot-lines people have predicted on here!

Lolapusht · 02/04/2025 11:56

Do you know what the problems are with evicting the tenants? I know it can be an absolute nightmare, but usually it should be quite straight forward. Have they not paid rent? Breached the tenancy terms etc? You might get a trashed house back from people who didn’t ant to move out, but you do get possession if you’re doing it for the “normal” reasons.

More dodginess 🤨

Original poster

SpaceMoo · 02/04/2025 12:03

Lolapusht · 02/04/2025 11:56

Do you know what the problems are with evicting the tenants? I know it can be an absolute nightmare, but usually it should be quite straight forward. Have they not paid rent? Breached the tenancy terms etc? You might get a trashed house back from people who didn’t ant to move out, but you do get possession if you’re doing it for the “normal” reasons.

More dodginess 🤨

Yes. They put the rent up (I think without much warning) but tenants refused to pay. They haven’t paid for a year or so. Some paper work when they were given the contract, deposit money not written down or something, has caused massive problems. They have a small child.

Back in the day when I was renting we were given plenty of warning, like 6 months before. DH thinks I just want to see the worst in her now.

OP posts:

TokyoKyoto · 02/04/2025 12:05

SpaceMoo · 02/04/2025 11:52

Really thank you all for your advice.

Posters have mentioned, she hasn’t actually stolen the money. So she’s not done anything wrong. I agree. Currently she’s not done anything illegal, right?

I think DH is not being honest with me.

Is this a con, or my daft DH trying to ‘help out a friend’ in his own stupid way. That is way too much money to be helping a friend who we are not close to. He thinks he can trust her as she’s never said she’s NOT going to be giving it back.

Sometimes I wonder if I need a divorce or a holiday!

She doesn't seem to have done anything illegal: he gave the money willingly, it's on him. BUT if she is a financial adviser registered with one of their professional bodies then she obviously had contravened their rules about offering financial advice and taking money: I mean she has so obviously not done anything in a structured, accountable way, you can see that, and it's likely that would cause problems for her with her professional body.
Personally I'm interested in this side of things because I'm a small business owner and I check the fuck out of anyone I'm dealing with

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 02/04/2025 12:07

SpaceMoo · 02/04/2025 12:03

Yes. They put the rent up (I think without much warning) but tenants refused to pay. They haven’t paid for a year or so. Some paper work when they were given the contract, deposit money not written down or something, has caused massive problems. They have a small child.

Back in the day when I was renting we were given plenty of warning, like 6 months before. DH thinks I just want to see the worst in her now.

Show quote history

Why on earth would you see the worst in someone who told a sob story to get your idiot of a husband to lend her 40 grand with no loan agreement in place and who is now fobbing him off with excuses to avoid paying it back?

No red flags here at all. She sounds like a really trustworthy person.

TheGentleOpalMember · 02/04/2025 12:08

SpaceMoo · 02/04/2025 11:45

Some updates.

Our kitchen finance was 0% (Wrens kitchen). (It’s the dream kitchen we’ve been saving up for, working towards and should have been able to pay for if we hadn’t planned the driveway, porch, and downstairs wetroom). We have a separate loan we took out that we’re paying off, we got a good interest rate, so it’s okay. Manageable. The other things are now on hold because extension of kitchen and new kitchen units worktops cooker etc just was a nightmare. Builders messed us about, death in the family of one of the builders dragged what should have been a two week job into 3 months. Okay never mind. We also had some renovation on rest of the house, patio, bathroom etc but we had money for that and have used that up. Plus my eldest son had exams and we needed some normality so we put a stop to the building work.
Plans were on hold, and I think DH thought this money will be needed when we do the rest of the renovation.

tbh I am not slightest bit fussed about the rest of the renovation, have barely had anyone round due to the stress and arguments with DH. We have no builders or building work left, everything’s lovely and tidy and we’ve decided, (I think) to not go ahead with the rest of the plans. I personally think it’s better to pay off the loans, and have a bit of a holiday. People can park their car up the road 😛

Architect said these plans will need re-applying for planning permission again in a few years (?) it’s on a hold. DH is keen on the renovation someday soon.
DH thought we will need the money then. (Because he’s a plonker he discusses every bit of our finances with this friend)

She had asked to borrow it for son’s house.
It had nothing to do with her ability to sell her other property. Son has moved in and is living happily ever after in his dream home - but we did not get our money back. And she has decided to tell us her tenant story continuously - so we are invested in this property.

After I started this thread and spoke to DH yesterday

DH has spoken to friend and in a foul mood blurted out he wants the money back and can’t wait for them to sell their house. He said he needs it back and lied and said some of it wasn’t his and needs to pay back his sister who he’s seeing next week.
Why can’t he just blame me I don’t know. He is adamant he wants to stay friends with her and felt sick he’s putting her through this while she’s had a rough day 🤨
She had a court case with tenants which didn’t go well, and was just having the usual catchup and reeling him into being invested into her ‘can’t sell/ can’t give back money yet sorry’ sob story.

He said to me that She said she will give us the money back as soon as possible. I said, you should have recorded that conversation.

felt sick he’s putting her through this while she’s had a rough day

Jesus fucking chriest! He is BRAINWASHED by her! He is literally certifiable! She is pissing all over him and you both, living it up, you are the one whose had a rough day. There is something truly fucking wrong with him! He needs help and/or to be committed to an asylum. He wants to stay friends with that worthless, freeloading, bludging, scamming scheming and manipulative bitch? Tell him he does it as a divorced man. And you can show him this too.

TheGentleOpalMember · 02/04/2025 12:11

SpaceMoo · 02/04/2025 12:03

Yes. They put the rent up (I think without much warning) but tenants refused to pay. They haven’t paid for a year or so. Some paper work when they were given the contract, deposit money not written down or something, has caused massive problems. They have a small child.

Back in the day when I was renting we were given plenty of warning, like 6 months before. DH thinks I just want to see the worst in her now.

Show quote history

DH thinks I just want to see the worst in her now.

She is a scheming evil pos. What is not to see the worst in that?

Seriously, what is this woman holding over your husband's head? What secret does she know of his? There must be something, there must be! Nothing else would explain why a man would be so utterly brainwashed by an obvious conartist, unless he truly is certifiably unhinged.

Get a facking divorce and get away from him!

Lolapusht · 02/04/2025 12:11

Hang on…this ‘Some paper work when they were given the contract, deposit money not written down or something’ sounds like they didn’t give the tenant the renters pack thingy then put their deposit in a deposit scheme!!! 😮

That’s hella bad and defs not something a financial adviser should be doing! If that’s hat has happened then it doesn’t matter hat else happens, they’ll be liable to pay the tenant I think it’s x3 the monthly rent!

You also can’t just put the rent up without reasonable notice, but not paying your rent for 12 months is also rubbish.

Is she one of these people ho is always having a drama??!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 02/04/2025 12:13

Perhaps @SpaceMoo you need to tell him that if she hasn't paid you back or signed a written agreement confirming how much she has borrowed and that she intends to pay it back, you will go to the party and announce in front of everyone that she is a con artist who has swindled your dickhead of a husband out of 40 grand and is refusing to pay it back, so if he wants to remain friends with her he needs to do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen.

If she thought she was having a bad day before, you'll show her what a bad day really looks like.

Her tenants are not your problem. Her son's ability to buy a house is not your problem. She is not your problem. The 40 grand currently missing from your bank account is your problem, and if you and your husband end up divorcing over this your lawyer will explain to the judge why that missing 40 grand should be accounted for in his share of the marital assets, not yours, because he GAVE IT AWAY TO AN UNTRUSTWORTHY ACQUAINTANCE without your permission.