To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

[ForTealBee]

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

But it’s still their house.

Also you mentioned not using your one not working day…. So if you are working the rest of the time you can’t study any way as you are working?

I study at lunch time, on my commute and after work - as I’ve said before.

I think it was a one-moment flare of anger op; I wouldn’t read too much more into it.

He obviously really values the time with his grandchildren - not because he doesn’t love you but because they probably bring a lot of the entertainment right now. As my gf got older, he really depended on our visits as his own hobbies etc were slowing down, he wasn’t going out as much etc. Young children bring a breath of fresh air. My gf used to sulk if something came up and we couldn’t go! But I really don’t think he loved us more than his children; he just found us more fun. Without wanting to be offensive, you probably aren’t masses of “fun” just right now! 🤣

Tbh it sounds like you have a negative vibe towards your sisters kids. And as their grandfather, it probably annoyed him.

Well, in that case, you need to resolve this issue yourself. As in every aspect of life, the only person we can ever change is ourselves. A slightly dramatic statement, but as an older woman, one that has proven to be true repeatedly.

You can put changes in place to help yourself.

• Headphones & white noise.
• No lock on your bedroom door, neices/nephews barging in while you're working? Block the door with furniture.
• Study at night.
• Go out of the house to study.

I've done all of these things in my professional role to enable me to work in a house with children and loud adults. Far from an ideal situation, but really, no one ever has the perfect set-up. If you were in uni halls, you'd have loud students surrounding you. If you had a flat of your own, neighbours noise would be distracting. House share, even more so.

Do you have any interaction with your nieces/nephews?

edit - just seen you do below

I love the kids to death. I always spoil them, offer my time for babysitting where I can, when I’m not studying I take annual leave to be with them and to help my sister out. I don’t like my sister’s attitude towards my parents

This 👆everyone at some point will say hurtful things at a moment of stress. You hit his trigger point but he clearly loves u and supports what you’re doing.
Just file it and move on.
Always study in a library if you can or away from your bedroom cos its like you never get a break.

Get a Ninja Blast and make yourself some nutritious smoothies to build up your immune system. Drop in an effervescent Vit C & D and go to town on the recipes. Build yourself up. This time too will end.

I bet it’s the hideous SQE

Is he actually your dad?
I think that sounds horrible, more like what you'd say to a step child.
I think I would be moving out even if it was sofa surfing with friends. He clearly doesn't like you.

Clearly not that much if you can’t afford to live anywhere else.

I think this is ott

I know this feeling. I was 17 when my mum became a grandma and I felt like I was left to it from that point in terms of help with all sorts of things. I think children are just as important as grandchildren. It’s not fair what he’s said and it’s hurtful. I would just remember that in the future when they are looking for your help……

The exams from hell

That’s a horrible thing to say to you. I can sympathise, I’ve had similar from mine. I was a mistake from their appalling short lived marriage. I hope their grandkids are there to look after them in their old age. I’ll be there as much as they were for me growing up. I hope you’re ok. Big hug.

Oh come on. FFS! Precious or what?

Personally I don’t see what you did wrong @ForTealBee, in your situation I’d have asked the same thing. It’s only for two weeks and it’s incredibly important to you and for your future. I’m actually surprised your parents didn’t think of it themselves. Seeing the grandchildren less for two weeks isn’t going to hurt them and if they want to see them that desperately they can look after them at your sister’s house or take them out for the day. Your parents may own the house but it’s your home too.

Also everyone saying you should just move out I don’t think understands the housing crisis this country has at the moment. Rent is extortionate, there is a serious lack of properties and if you are only working part time due to needing to study that’s just not viable. It’s not unusual for people in their 20s to still be living at home anymore.

I’m paying £500 a month out of my £1300 a month salary - the rest is spent mainly on saving and getting myself to and from work.

I think I would be moving out even if it was sofa surfing with friends

Same. I wouldn't stay after that.

Except she's not a child. She's a mid-20s adult. So still his child, but an adult, soon to be professional.

100% my dad, I’m the carbon copy of him

No don’t hang on to a grudge. They are supporting you op; he doesn’t want you to move out, he’s said that.

He just had a tantrum because he worried his “ hobby” might be impacted. Older people can get brusque. And by “ most important “ I suspect he meant in terms of what they contribute to his day, not whom he loved more. If you are in a room studying ( and of course you are) you aren’t massively enriching his day to day enjoyment. They are.

His comment was really hurtful and you weren’t being unreasonable to ask him to let you know when the kids would be there so you could plan accordingly, but you were being unreasonable asking your parents to have them less.

It was an unnecessarily harsh response for sure, he worded it in a very awkward way that I can see why it was hurtful and hopefully he didn't mean it as he said it. Like he was quite upset at your suggestion, so he retaliated back with something more harsh.

I do think your request was completely unreasonable though, if you need to study you can stay in your room, wear headphones, go to the library. I had nieces before I left my parents home and I would never ever have thought that it was my place to ask my parents not to care for them because I wanted a quiet house for studying in.