To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

You were only cooking for 4 people. People do that every night of the week after a full day at work.
It’s a bit concerning that you forgot to feed your child though!

As for the lift home for MIL, I think that’s fair. Your DH is just looking out for his mum.

@gollyimholly .

@GreyCarpet *The 2 yo wasn't starving - they'd had a big lunch and were eating all day. They possibly hadn't felt particularly hungry themselves. Hungry 2yos tend to make themselves known.

Well OP was the one who thinks “the worst bit” of the whole day was that DH didn’t feed the 2 year old.

Honestly never heard of anyone creating so much work for a simple lunch with family!!! What in hell are you thinking???

There is no need to make it so bloody difficult!!

YABU just for this OP! I had 4 unexpected family guests this weekend…for three nights! I only found out an hour before they arrived…I spent that hour reading my book 🤷‍♀️ We had a great weekend, no stress or expectations on either side. That’s what family should be like.

I didn't have time to eat. I initially sat at the table with a plate for DD to feed her and then myself - how things would happen ordinarily. But had to move on back to the kitchen to organise the next lot of food. I didn't have a lot of time as when MIL and SIL arrived, they said they weren't going to stay for long.

Just book a nice meal out near their house to minimise cleaning cooking and transport.

i can’t get past the fact your DH still insists on hosting when you’ve said you don’t want to. I don’t care if his cooking is awful, I’d let him crack on with cooking and childcare while you do the cleaning and transporting. Time to swap roles.

There are so many issues with you having to pull an all nighter to prepare the meal- I know it had to be made especially, but there are better ways to prepare. Also why is it all falling on you? And why does it take a full night? I get that it's Eid, I get that it's specific food. I'm Irish and our Christmas and Easter meals take a lot of preparation so I'm not diminishing the pride and work that goes into making a special meal.
Also for that night, surely DH could have drove your MiL home while you made sure DD had something to eat then you both jump into bed.
Theres definitely a bigger problem at bay here though if you've done all the cooking and you didn't even sit down to enjoy the meal and nobody even had the good grace to ensure your DD got something to eat.

Your ILs are lazy to not offer any help. However you should scale back these kind of events. If your DH organises something like this again simply state - that's fine but it will have to be a takeaway or a simple meal. What's wrong wirh saying that?

Of course you had time to eat. You martyred yourself and pretending otherwise is silly.

The food had been cooking for days, literally. How could it possibly not all be ready by the time you came to eat.

I have to say I've never heard the likes of it either.
I've tried to be sympathetic as I've read the OP.
But essentially, she has 1 toddler to look after.
That's it.
I can't work out why that means cooking, tidying and decorating (decorating?!?) all night long the night before 2 family members come round for dinner. Or why it means the DH can't drive his DM home. Or why it means the toddler was still up and still hadn't been given dinner by 10:30pm.
I mean, just chuck a casserole in a pot, bung it in the oven for dinner, tell the 2 family members your house is a bit of a mess at the moment but that they need to just take you as they find you, feed your toddler dinner at the same time as the rest of you are eating dinner, and put your toddler to bed whilst DH drives his mum home.
This is such a normal situation.

This is everything I wanted to say. Your Op reads like the queen and courtiers were coming over for a months stay. Not one meal for 3 hours. How do you have to prepare for most of the week, still pull an all nighter and forget to feed a child?

Firstly how did no one feed your child? This is really concerning no one realised. Did they not make a fuss when you all ate? Surely they'd normally be eating before 7.30 anyway?
For me, it's not an issue them being drove home.
If the house is a mess. I'd have just gone to bed and sorted it tomorrow if I was exhausted. If DH wasn't happy, he can sort it when he gets in.

It is, and I think your biggest issue was the short notice from your husband.

The food for Eid is epic, and hugely time consuming, but something I have learnt (that my Indian born partner was initially shocked by) is that most of it can be either made in advance or prepped. This might be useful if there is a next time.

In India food is made on the day because the heat and the historic lack of refrigeration meant it used to have to be. Even though this is no longer the case, traditions persist. His family don't prep and freeze. We do though 😁.

Most gravies are fine made in advance and refrigerated/frozen then reheated Samosa can be made and frozen before frying, as can the filling. They can also be frozen after frying and heated through in the oven - but this is slightly less good. Even roti dough can be made in advance, portioned and frozen until needed (do NOT tell my MIL I do this! 😁)

I used to put toddler dd in her highchair when I cooked, and let her "help". It was amazing how long she'd bash around with roti dough, some frozen peas, and some crispy onions and we used to cook and eat her creations (sometimes faked on my part!)

Biryani does need to be made on the day, even though I prefer day 2. But it's a lot less work to just make biryani from scratch, rather than everything.

Desserts - it depends what you made, but there are work around for many of them. My ILs buy them - also a good work around if you live in an area where you can get freshly handmade.

Preparing food is usually a group activity, if they aren't going to help they need to be a little flexible in their expectations.

I wouldn’t want to do a 2 hour round trip to drop someone off. But if dh does he can crack on. But if I were entertaining with a toddler food would be pretty basic. And I’d have cleaned up in the morning while dh had kids or vice versa. It feels like your are being a bit dramatic and resentful. If you invite them get dh helping with prep, keep it simple don’t make life harder for yourself than it needs to be.

But if Inlaws offer help would therr be complaints of 'they don't think I can cope they are judging me they must be talking about me behind my back' so really can they ever win?

I don't understand what it has to be performance

I can't believe you pulled it off with just a few days notice, OP!

I bet the food was amazing 👏

The significance of Eid is all about food & family in a similar way that Christmas is, and I'd say that Eid has much more time consuming expectations about food with a complex menu.

It was really unfair of your DH to extend the invite without checking with you first.

It was even more unfair that MIL and SIL don't contribute anything at all.

I don't think it was unreasonable of your DH to drop them home but you being left with all the clean up must have been really disheartening.

Can you make it clear to DH you don't wish to host again? Or at least not for a LONG time?!

Hope you get to rest up today. And your little one would have been fine, sounds like she had plenty of food, one late meal won't harm her.

I’ve never celebrated Eid but having read this thread, and having friends who are Muslim, it really isn’t an hour’s work to prepare this meal, nor a matter of chucking a casserole in a pot. But it is usually a group effort if you have family members coming together and especially laborious to do if you’re not in the swing of cooking this sort of stuff every day.

The lift home feels unnecessary and the last minute invitation very unhelpful. I think for next time you and DH need to be very clear with each other on what will happen when, and not let so much land on you whatever happens.

It "has to be a performance" because it's Eid. Not just any old family dinner.

It's a hugely important religious event, and there are a lot of traditions and cultural expectations.

YANBU except you and your DD should have been able to eat with everyone else.

I cannot imagine the effort to cook a celebratory meal like this for Eid but your DH and his DM should have helped to allow you to eat with them.

And arriving in a taxi is fine but not home? Ridiculous. You have a DH problem. He needs to put you and your DD first.

@Azandme I'm so glad you posted that. I was wondering why this stuff couldn't be prepped and frozen.

I don’t think the issue is your DH driving your MIL home at 10.30 at night. I could see my husband doing that for my parents to be honest! The issue is the meal being foisted on you etc and him not making sure the little one had dinner. The latter could be sorted by just communicating better. The former needs a proper sit down conversation about alternative options as that doesn’t seem fair at all.

I think I've answered all the recurring questions so far so please do check my more recent posts.

I think the only one I didn't reply to was the decorating - it wasn't DIY, it was some fairy lights, balloons and little bits of Eid decor.

A PP said how it wasn't about DH driving MIL.home - and they really hit the nail on the head. I think by that point in the night, I just wanted to keel over. Also I was fasting and tired myself and just not feeling my best. My only experience of doing this type of cooking is since being married. Before marriage, it really was a big family effort and we'd all contribute a bit for it all to come together. I have previously tried to keep it low key but nobody ate, there have been tears (SIL), lots of fussy eaters about food not being right etc.

@Ohioatdawn oh come on, you’re being totally disingenuous. Why the faux shock at someone decorating for Eid?

Because I wasn't expecting host an Eid dinner. Prior to Wednesday night I assumed we would just go and see MIL

I think that has to be the lesson that comes out of this. Tell your husband NO MORE last minute arrangements. You're not doing it. If he wants it to happen, it needs to be a proper plan. You know who is hosting 2 weeks in advance. Otherwise, you're not cooking.