To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

That seems to be a bit much yes. Especially as DH was already tired. I suspect as they don’t drive, they don’t know!

For their safety, and DH’s if he isn’t used of long journey being tired that they organise a taxi next time. I assume that being late, he didn’t want to leave them so maybe make sure it is a break/lunch next time so they leave by 7pm. DH might feel less inclined to drive them.

an all-nighter means not going to bed. Are you seriously up all night cooking? Why? It’s not necessary. Why is your 2 year old awake and unfed at 10.30pm, while you are still cooking for what sounds like only 5 people? I don’t understand your priorities at all?

The drive home seems to be the least of your worries. Three days preparing to host. Staying up until 4am, fasting yourself, doing one celebration with your family then another with his. I would knock this on the head and your DH will need to accept if his family put in no effort then you are not the one to instigate all these elaborate events. You have a toddler so samosas don’t need to be hand made. Don’t invite SIL if she is tricky. Just pop over to see Mil on another day.

I have now read the full thread and don’t understand a couple of things:

I appreciate that there was a lot of prep involved, however to say you can get nothing done you a toddler is ridiculous, how do you think single parents or people who have OHs who work away cope? You don’t have to give your child your undivided attention 100% of the time.

On a similar note, why does a 2 year old need feeding? Put them in the high chair and let them get on with it surely?

I think as a one off I would have fed DD then sent her off in the car with DH. You could then have had an early night and he could have carried a sleepy DD to bed when they got home.

Op I hope your husband appreciates everything you did because that is a lot of effort.

I'd wait a few weeks and really mull over what needs to change so that you aren't under as much stress next time. Then have a discussion with him saying you want to come up with solutions together. It might be a couple of discussions, one where you put forward your ideas and then a day later when he has had time to think about it.

Personally I would be really rigid about the time of day that you host. Finishing so late at night is tough. I would have a lunch time event instead. If your in laws have a habit of turning up late then tell them a time 2 hours earlier than you really want them.

I'd also expect MIL and SIL to contribute. If your Dh enjoys your family events so much and wants a similar feel, then remind him that this is how it works in your family - everyone contributes.

DD has only just turned 2 - I appreciate some people do BLW and their DCs are more independent but I think it is fine if DD needs an adult to feed her to ensure proper feeding.

I can't get a lot done with DD. If I said I can't get anything done with DD it was an exaggeration/said out of exasperation. There are some things I can do with DD quite easily: tidying up, changing sheets etc. Cooking is one I find tough with DD - she is curious and wants to get involved and I find it too stressful to keep an eye on her and make sure she isn't trying to open a hot oven door etc. In general I prefer to cook when DD is napping or when she is with DH. I have a lot of respect and admiration for single parents and those whose partners work away a lot. If I found myself in that position I think I would cook very differently - things that can be left to cook in the oven for example or far more low effort meals.

I can appreciate you wanted to put a lot of work in to make this a special meal but I think you are being a bit dramatic. It doesn't take days to buy gifts and visit 3 shops. Your DH did not need to stay up all night to hang some fairy lights and clean the house.
It sounds like you need to learn to multitask the cooking should be done around your child and if that meant letting them watch a bit of tv while you prepared for a 1 off meal that's what needed to happen.
The driving wouldn't bother me in terms of being left alone with toddler as if there was that much to clear up after being in the kitchen all night it would be left to next day. It would bother me him driving in the dark if he's an inexperienced driver who was running on zero sleep

You are going to have to put your foot down!
While it is kind of your husband to take his mother and father home, it is fine for you to see to DD then just go to bed.
If DH wants to help with clean up the next morning, let him. If not and you have to clean up the next day, get to it! Make sure you and your toddler take a nap together after that.
Discuss any upcoming occasions with DH. Ask if he will help you while you prepare. Do as much preparation as you can in the days leading up to the next occasions. Feel free to express your needs to your DH. He must support you or you can explain that these events are too much for you and you won't host the next few.

I think all the people saying, "It doesn't take three days to do X, Y and Z" are not reading the thread properly.

1. It was Eid.
2. Her husband's family were expecting a very specific meal involving ten different dishes which had to be cooked from scratch.
3. The OP had to go to various different shops to get halal meat and specialist ingredients, not all of which were available locally.
4. The OP was cooking a feast for 7 people, 3 of whom cancelled at the last minute.
5. The OP only had three days' notice that she was expected to do this.
6. The OP would never usually be expected to do all this on her own, because in her family everyone pitches in to help. But her husband's family were demanding the same kind of Eid meal that her family has, only without lifting a finger to help.
7. If it wasn't perfect, certain family members would have turned their noses up at it or had a strop. (The OP knows this from past experience.)

It's clear that she needs to get much better at saying, "No. I'm not doing it." And she needs to make her husband understand that he can't just invite his family for Eid, knowing what their expectations are and the fact that he isn't capable of delivering any of it himself. He might feel sad that his family can't have the sort of celebrations her family do, but it's entirely unreasonable to volunteer his wife for that amount of work without consulting her.

But it's not actually all that difficult to understand why it was so much work and why she didn't have time to feed her daughter or sit down and eat herself, if you read the thread properly.

Her husband giving his mother and sister a lift home was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Even if you don’t do BLW (which is absolutely fine) by 2 a child should be able to feed themselves independently.

Agreed

This thread is turning interesting!
The problem is that:

1. You did too much
2. You spent your whole time cooking, instead of treasuring family time. Because what is important is to spend tome with the family, not around the family
3. The extent at which your priorities are messed up is such that you

a) your daughter did not eat till really late (while being surrounded by plenty of her close family) b) you are putting the "blame" on your DH driving his mother home, which is what any good son or daughter would do. That or invite them to stay the night.

You will say that this is expected of you as the reason. You cannot control what others expect of you, but you can control what you do. And you need to put your daughter first, your husband second and family actual bonding time third. Simplify the meal. Next time say to your husband that you love to host his family, you are looking forward and you are cooking X dish for them. They can take it or leave it or bring their own.

Have read through the first few pages of this in utter disbelief.

I think it would help if people mentally replace “Eid” with “Christmas Day” before composing their replies. Then we might not get “why did you have such a busy day where you visited his relatives in the afternoon and then had your’s over?” or “Why didn’t you just cook a simple meal or get a takeaway?” etc.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom thank you! At last someone who has not only read but also understood the op's post

Honestly, the sheer lack of comprehension shown repeatedly on this thread is astounding, whether deliberate or otherwise & I'm not sure which is more worrying & depressing..

But lots of people have found themselves exhausted after cooking Christmas dinners. You can see thread after thread.
OP had already spent days preparing and a night cooking before hosting, if you actually read it. That is excessive, even for 5 star hotel, who caters for hundreds or any Christmas dinner.
What about simplify to 3 days of prep, one night of cooking and a few min of warming up on the day, so she sits to talk to family and enjoy the meal with them?
Just make a few less dishes. So prioritise family versus cooking more food than can be eaten. And if they so much want the whole menu, then someone will have to help, like in OP's own family.
Also, the more important part, who knows any family where a 2 year old is at risk of not eating during a family event? Because the people I know, the poor child is more at risk of being stuffed by all the family members fussing over them.
It is not OP's fault per se, but she and her DH need to do less cooking and more sitting. The same applies to those having issues with the Christmas dinner: simplify, so it is actually an enjoyable day, for all.

Not sure how you or @FortyElephants could come to this conclusion if you had actually read the thread tbh.

The problem is that her husband's family expected all these dishes and would have a strop if they didn't get them, and her husband invited them all on three days' notice without consulting her.

Basically the only way for the OP to avoid what actually happened would have involved her husband losing face in front of his family, and she didn't want that. She doesn't even want to read him the riot act now, because he's feeling too "sensitive" about it.

If he's feeling sensitive it's because he knows he messed up, that he never should have invited his family in the circumstances, and that in doing so he dropped the OP right in it. But having that conversation would also involve admitting that he just doesn't have the kind of family he wishes he had, a family like the OP's where they can have these wonderful celebrations and everyone mucks in to help. The closest he can get to that is having the OP work her fingers to the bone doing an amount of work that would usually be done by multiple people, the wonderful meal ends up on the table for his ungrateful mother and sister, and he can pretend that the OP clicked her fingers like Mary Poppins and it all appeared. Except that the OP didn't get to sit down and their daughter didn't get fed, so if he's honest with himself he knows that despite all the effort it wasn't a success. It wasn't the kind of celebration he wanted and it never will be, because his family are not like the OP's family.

That's a hard thing to admit.

I think you did a wonderful job and hats off to you . I think MIl and SIL were cheeky for not at least helping with dishes especially as your husband drove them home, a two hour round trip at that time of night is crazy . They should have got a taxi . I see you even pay for that usually. They sure seem to have no conscience especially as they never reciprocate. Put your foot down and don’t do it so often .

@gollyimholly If you ever do host them again, which in my view should not be next year, what you could do is this. Delegate tasks to MIL and SIL, but get them to bring things like canapes and desserts, which can be substituted with less good ready made alternatives if necessary. For example, get some ready made vegetable samosas from Tesco and have them in the freezer. (I assume the meat ones you can get in regular supermarkets aren't halal.) Get some ready made western desserts like a chocolate pudding or similar. Either something that can be heated up from frozen or something you can keep in the fridge and freeze for another time if it doesn't get eaten.

The point of this is that if they actually do their part and bring homemade samosas and desserts, so much the better and you can have your special meal without cutting any corners. But if they show up on the day without bringing what they were supposed to bring, you have a backup option in the fridge/freezer and can save the day. No, it won't be as good as if you had slaved away making everything from scratch, but the part that will be sub-par will the part that they were responsible for.

If they say from the outset that they aren't willing to bring anything then you can legitimately just cancel the whole thing. You say, "No, an Eid celebration meal doesn't just materialise by magic. It's too expensive and too much work for one person to do on their own. I tried it once and it was a really bad idea, your sisters/husband cancelled on us at the last minute, I didn't have a single second to sit down and eat, and DD didn't even get fed. I know you love the idea of a celebration like the ones we have in my family, but it takes multiple people working together to pull it off. If you're not willing to muck in, the whole thing is off."

So many people are focused on supermarket samosas or homemade samosas, it must be a suppressed craving for the out of reach good food or a need to pretend it doesn't exist because they can't get it.

The things in supermarkets aren't even samosas. I don't know what they are. It's better not to offer samosiform snacks if you can't offer homemade at this kind of festival, just do something different or order ahead from a clean private caterer and freeze.

#samosaenvy

We did end up chatting last night. I couldn't help myself with how upset I was feeling. It went a bit pear shaped but ultimately I'm happy with the end result. I will add more detail when I get a chance but want to specifically reply to what @MissScarletInTheBallroom has said here so place marking for later.

100%

@MissScarletInTheBallroom absolutely!
Trying to keep a mother and sister happy at the expensive of his wife and Dd and by the looks of it himself. .
He needs to focus on how lucky he actulay is and embrace his wife’s family .
Id leave the mil and sil to fend for themselves now.

It doesn't look like the child was being starved until 10.30 pm. She was eating, just not her own designated "proper" meal. So all the outrage seems a bit much.