To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

I think we can safely assume the DH did not actually have an “all nighter” cleaning their house unless they’re extreme secret hoarders.
I mean literally no one does that. It’s clearly a huge exaggeration.

I get that it's food prep for a feast meal, but most of us cook for feast meals at various points throughout the year, with similar levels of meal prep (e.g. 10 different items). It might involve 3-4 hours of work ahead of time, and then sitting down to enjoy the meal together. Not this level of drama, OP.

Definitely agree that people wouldn't be responding so flippantly if the OP was talking about Christmas dinner. It's not about "chucking some food together". I don't disagree mum should have gone in a taxi though . Also though..OP if you were in the kitchen all the time, how did you not know your DH hasn't sorted dDs dinner? Presumably that comes from the kitchen too?

I do agree with wanting to do something nice for MIL. A PP wondered if I resented it, but I don't. I think MIL deserves something nice and I think DH and SIL are actually generally rubbish children and see her very rarely (unless I organise it).

I am not a fan of SIL in general and won't do anything helpful until specifically asked. I don't like to rock the boat here because she's previously been a bit tricky with me and I just want to keep the peace.

Why was your two year old still up at 10.30pm?

Why had your two year old not had dinner before they arrived at 7.30pm? Most 2 year olds have dinner around 5pm and then don’t eat again until breakfast.

Why did you have to clean up at 10.30pm when you were completely exhausted and still had to feed your child and put them to bed? Why couldn’t you just leave it until the morning and do it together with DH when you woke up the next day?

Your husband driving his mum home at 10.30pm and returning at 00.30am is not the problem. The problem is that you are being forced to host people when you are not willing to, you are spending 3 days to prep for their arrival (including redecorating!) you are then seemingly stuck in a kitchen for 3 hours waiting on everyone rather than joining in the party, and all family members are seemingly neglecting a toddler all evening.

It CANNOT take all night then all day up to 7.30 then the entire 3 hours they were there to make the food you made. It just can’t. Otherwise no one would make it. And it is mental that you didn’t actually sit and eat with them. Again, that can’t be normal as I understand that the family eating the Eid meal together is important. And if you were in the kitchen you’d surely know your husband hadn’t made your daughter food as presumably he’d have had to come into the kitchen to do that, given she wasn’t eating the food you took 24 hours without break to make?

This, finding all your posts @gollyimholly rather stress inducing with all the chaos!
2 yo dd up and awake 730-1030pm, and not ONE of the 4 adults seemed to think about her needs being the worst.
Why the need for redecorating and a deep clean?!
All the cooking and 3/4 days prep? Can't just be your 'it Indian food' my friends and family who cook this most days wouldn't have this level of drama.
As per pp I sense some level of martyrdom/drama llama. Just say NO, or leave to dh to host next time!

Oh dear OP, there are so many problems with what you have posted here.

I think if I had to sum it up in one sentence it is that your DH wants to host these big events at your house but does absolutely nothing to make it happen himself.

This actually isn't anything to do with the fact that he dropped his mother and sister home afterwards, which I think most people would have done in the circumstances.

Unless you live in a pigsty, which I am betting you don't, there is no reason why it should have taken your husband all night to clean and decorate the house. That's bonkers. It'll have been 5% cleaning and decorating, and 95% faffing.

I can much more easily understand why it took so long to prepare the kind of elaborate meal you are describing. But that's why preparing a meal like that should be a family affair, with multiple people pitching in. It's completely unacceptable for your MIL and SIL, who presumably have some idea of what it all involves, to accept being hosted year after year and not say, "We'll arrive at 5 and help in the kitchen", or "we'll bring the canapes and desserts". Samosas are the ideal sort of thing to be prepared in advance at someone else's house and transported in a big tupperware.

Everyone who was present, particularly your husband but also the other guests, should be thoroughly ashamed about the fact that after all that preparation you didn't get the chance to sit down and eat anything yourself, and that your young daughter's basic needs were neglected.

Next time you should tell your husband that if he invites everyone for Eid, you are going to pull a sickie at the last minute. And actually do it. (Because he won't believe you.)

If someone said they did an ALL
NIGHTER preparing Christmas dinner then cooked all day then even when their guests were there 7.30-10.30pm they didn’t leave the kitchen and didn’t eat any of the food, people would DEFINITELY have something to say on that.

I'm not downplaying the significance of the meal. I've attended Eid with ex in laws and hosted one once (XH cooked all the meat though as I'm vegetarian!) I've also hosted Christmas for 13 people. I get it. But this was managed so badly that OP is knackered, resentful and didn't even get to sit down and eat with her family. It was managed really badly by everyone there. But only OP can make a change and stop being a martyr.

I find it telling you've ignored those asking why you don't eat with them. There's literally no reasonable answer as to why?

Also I don't agree people would respond differently if it was a Christmas meal not an Eid meal. The responses would be the same. Your husband invited them they accepted. There's no reason for the all nighter, the not feeding the 2 year old, the decorating and excessive tidying or the extensive cooking. Him driving them home is the very least of the 20+ issues apparent in your posts.

I still don't understand, after nights and days of "deep cleaning" and "decorating" and cooking, that neither you nor your Dd ate anything WITH them?

I don’t think anyone would suggest it’s even remotely normal to do an “all nighter” cooking Christmas dinner for 4 people, and cooking the entire way through the 3 hour meal and not sitting down to eat.

However the night went, I dont think dh was unreasonable for taking mil home. I wouldn't expect either of our parents to get taxi home, I'd always offer a lift

I do think you made the whole night harder for yourself and thats what led you your frustration with dh.

The whole night sounds very odd (why didnt dd sit at the table and have some rice and bits? Why did you not get to actually sit at the table and eat? ) but I think you should put your foot down and not bother again ..mil and sil sound like awful guests,not helping at all

Agreed! I don’t understand how you didn’t eat, and I don’t understand how your daughter didn’t eat.

So the three of them sat at the table. You stayed in the kitchen all night and your daughter didn’t what?

How did your husband not say ‘come eat!’

It makes no sense.

I can’t believe what a hard time you’re getting. Draw a line under that and sit down with your husband and make a plan going forward that that is never going to happen again.
Why couldn’t his mother and sister have joined you in visiting your family? Then you could have contributed a couple of dishes , done it in the day time and all be home at a sensible time. And they could both go home in a taxi together or your husband drive them while you do bath and bed with toddler.
Learn from this and do different. You did amazing but never again unless you have many helpers.

Timeline of events
Family invited on Wednesday night: MIL, SIL, SIL's husband, two of MIL's sisters
Thursday: I shop for stuff from 3 different grocery places (none nearby to each other) with toddler
Friday: start cooking some things in evening when DH is finished with work and can watch DD
Saturday: DH watches DD all day, I cook. When DD is asleep, DH cleans and decorates. It was a 3 hour job at most. He is was just slow with it. I cooked until about 4am.
Sunday: saw my family for lunch. MIL's sisters and SIL's husband cancelled. They also arrived a bit late. DD had a late nap from 5-7pm (unusual for her but she was having a nice time at my parents with other kids and slept in the car ride home.

@TwentyTwentyFive I find it telling you've ignored those asking why you don't eat with them. There's literally no reasonable answer as to why?

She doesn’t like them and was creating busy work in the kitchen so she didn’t have to sit with them. It’s the only answer.

I gave up a long time ago trying to impress anyone anymore in my own house. I have a toddler similar age to you OP, and DH and I work full-time. My in-laws are offered bakery or supermarket bought goods only, coffee and tea. They fit in around DC’s naps. The house is clean enough. I’m not going to go on a cleaning spree to make sure it’s sparkling bright for them.

I think time to say no too, like many other posters have said.

So what, though? Why do they only see her if you’ve martyred yourself for days, cooking and cleaning? I agree with pps. The concerning thing here is that you didn’t want to do any of this and yet you did. Why?

and a couple of days shopping (meal for 4 adults - I could do that in 30 minutes) and an all nighter cleaning and decorating. Sounds bonkers. Of course she needs a lift home at that time of night.

I definitely know people who would, if they only had three days to organise hosting Christmas dinner (and put up Christmas decorations), be up all night cleaning and decorating.

Some of these responses! And yet, at Christmas, this forum is full of threads from women who've 'had a little cry' to themselves on Christmas Day after running themselves ragged for the exact same reasons! FFS!

Only they get told their husbands are useless and their ILs unreasonable. Not that they should just be a bit more organised...

The 2 yo wasn't starving - they'd had a big lunch and were eating all day. They possibly hadn't felt particularly hungry themselves. Hungry 2yos tend to make themselves known.

The pressure on women around Eid - the expectation for cooking etc and on daughter in laws in general in particular is immense.

I disagree with this. ..I unexpectedly hosted Christmas one year, which was decided on the day due to illness. Someone literally brought all the food round, unprepared as where we should have gone had an ill person and we got through it without any drama... everyone got fed and ate together.

The whole thing sounds utterly ridiculous to me!