To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

I wouldn't be letting any family member drive me home when it would take them two hours at 10.30pm, when they've had no sleep (! was it even safe for them to be driving?) and hosted me, when I could easily take public transport.

If they don't come to mine, they'd never see DD. Like I said, SIL has never invited us to hers. And DH thinks DD will have a better time with her DGM at ours than at hers as there isn't much space for her to play there.

How very noble

That's an answer to a different question. Inviting ILs to your house to see DD doesn't mean pulling an all nighter preparing elaborate meals that you don't get to eat. And honestly how much quality time did they have with a toddler between 7.30 and 10.30pm??

I meant stop hosting these insane meals and occasions. You're preparing for Eid as if you've got a huge family coming all day but if that was happening you'd a) be involved in the festivities and b) have help from others!

DH extended the invitation without speaking to me and they had accepted. I told him not to do that again. I didn't feel it would be polite to retract the invitation afterwards so I felt like I had to stick it out. DH didn't think it was such a big deal but that's because he doesn't do the cooking

Your DH watched you cook food all night and presumably prepare all day, spend all evening in the kitchen and still thinks it's no big deal? He sounds utterly selfish

I made the bare minimum, I couldn't have done any less.

I’m in my 60’s and am most offended that anyone thinks i’m incapable of using public transport at 10.30 pm.
My dm is 89 and still uses trains to visit family.

Come on! Most of the stuff could be prepared in advance! It wasn't last minute. Also nothing wrong in your husband driving his mum home!

Okay so it was Eid but presumably you have done this before and can surely see where you could have sorted out what could be frozen ahead - assuming you have a freezer?

Don't make a martyr of yourself. Hardly relaxing for you or your guests!

Don’t forget Sunday hours and trains and buses are often cancelled due to shortage of drivers.

I'd have taken my mum home. I wouldn't have opted or paid for a taxi because there were dishes to do.
In your shoes I'd have fed dd then gone to bed.
Tackle the mess in the morning together.

No need for a taxi imo.

I don't really get it, to be honest. You were cooking for 2 more adults, not a dinner party for 10. How much extra cooking and mess could there be?

He watched DD in the day. It is impossible to cook this type of meal with a toddler - we don't give her screen time and a lot of her playing/activities are outdoors or ones where we are interacting with her. I don't think DH is selfish because he will suggest getting a takeout it's just on this occasion it would have been inappropriate.

I think there is a lot of cultural misunderstanding on here about the significance of an Eid meal. There is a lot of preparation and it's a very labour intensive celebration, similar to Christmas meals.

Although I do agree with other posters that agreeing to this last minute was not a good idea. It meant there wasn't enough time to prepare properly, at a time when you were tired and lacking in energy, due to fasting.

So I think if your husband expects this again, you need a plan in place, way ahead of time, so you don't need to do a panicked all nighter to prepare. And if you're doing all the cooking, he needs to take on more of the cleaning/tidying preparation. Because Eid is a family celebration. It isn't a wife does everything and husband just enjoys thing.

So DD wasn’t starving and had eaten something? Dramatic YABU

Why didn't you eat with them?

It makes no difference whether the food is for 4 people or 10 people - cooking this kind of food is just time consuming.

I've read the whole thread and this is the bit I don't understand? Why on earth were you not eating given you'd spent so long cooking?

I get that the food preparation would have been time consuming but why didn’t you eat with them? Surely that’s the whole point -to eat together?

I understand it’s time consuming but I don’t understand you not being able to eat with the family. Is that usual?

The most ridiculous thing here, aside from the general disorganisation, is that you hadn’t had a discussion about how your MIL was going to get home at 10:30pm at night.

Not ideal, but I'd not dwell on it. You know for next time, don't host and organise a taxi beforehand 🙂 I don't really see the big deal in general if DH wants to drop his mum and sister off, it's the nice thing to do if you have the time and inclination (which in this case he didn't as you needed help)

I assumed she would get a taxi back. That's how they arrived. SIL and MIL came together by taxi and I thought that's how they would leave too.

Ask them to contribute then!

I think a lot of people are accidentally or deliberately not understanding the significance of the meal and the effort that would have been involved.
Im no expert but to put it into a Western context, and it maybe a bad example so I apologise, but its the equivalent of being told your hosting Christmas with a couple of days notice and all the food and effort that goes with that.

Your DH needs to stop volunteering for you these things or ask his mum and sister to help with watching the 2 year old whilst he assists you in the kitchen. Does SIL do anything to help?? If your MIL is kind and has caring duties for an elderly relative usually then I think it’s nice for her to be spoiled and looked after for the evening but SIL can definitely step up to help. She should have been responsible for getting MIL home both in time and cost.