To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

I do think people aren't fully understanding what an Eid meal involves.

I do agree with @Azandme that more can be prepped in advance than a lot of Indians realise (though I was a bit 😮about the roti dough!) but the other element that I suspect people don't get is how much needs to be done on the spot - things like samosas and bhajis are so much nicer freshly fried that in most families someone is doing that in the kitchen throughout, similarly rotis are done fresh, most things are heated on the stove, it's not like a Christmas dinner where you can shove it all in the oven and sit and wait. My parents use their oven for storage!

Having said all of that, it's absolutely an option to simplify the menu, just because it's traditional doesn't mean you can't and also I agree with a few PP that traditionally family would bring some elements of the meal, usually one person wouldn't do the lot. So I think next time, I would say "oh now we have a little one, I can't do the full menu, but if you really want XXX, you are welcome to bring it"

I don't understand how the three of them were comfortable tucking into food that you'd spent hours making, but were too overwhelmed to enjoy yourself. Eid might be about family, but they relegated you to the role of servant. Your husband is completely at fault here.

@gollyimholly I used to do that kind of thing and end up exhausted and resentful, but then I learnt. If you're going to act like a doormat, inconsiderate people will walk all over you. Your husband and in-laws are happy to sit and watch you exhaust yourself. Why are you happy to let that happen?

You could have said to DH "I'm not able to do the fancy cooking, if you've invited them the options are you can cook, or order in, or they can bring the food". If they are unhappy with you isn't that a less bad situation than being up all night, not eating and not feeding your toddler?

Show your daughter that you and her matter.

I do not understand.

what takes hours and hours and hours of cooking for two extra people, and what is “go go go” about serving a meal for four adults? Why was the child not fed and in bed by 8pm?

As per usual on MN, people aren't getting the context of a different culture/religion.

Eid hosting is like Christmas dinner hosting hence the cleaning and hours of cooking of multiple and "not the usual dinner party" dishes.

And a child staying up late is also completely normal for Eid/Christmas.

OP, this doesn't feel like a partnership with your DH. He says, you do. And your feelings/opinions/energy levels are of no concern to him. Is he more concerned with how things look to others rather than your wellbeing?

OP, your husband sounds lazy and useless and his sister not much better.
You take on too much.
Life is always hard with lazy men.
You are not respfor your lazy husbands relationship with his mother.
Stop the entertaining.
Stop feeling responsible when your husband doesn't.
The not feeding his child tells me he really is useless.

Stop being so tolerant of him. Do not have lots of children with a lazy selfish man.

It isn't just DH, his entire family are so last minute. I brought up Eid with him about three weeks ago - we always see both sides of the family and my family were trying to organise when to do their meal. Back then we agreed we'd go see MIL. So you can imagine how annoyed I was on Wednesday that that's not what was happening. On Thursday there was conversation about it going from lunch to dinner because that was better for ILs. On Sunday (day of Eid itself) the other guests cancelled. They are honestly so disorganised and I hate it

I'm sorry but your in laws sound pretty selfish, OP.

You are clearly very kind and generous, you deserved help!

Do make sure you make it clear to DH you won't be single handedly prepping Eid ever again.

So rude and utterly culturally oblivious. It was Eid. You don't just chuck a casserole in the oven. The number of similar minded people on this thread, I can only assume that some sort of bat signal has gone up calling them all to the thread to dismiss OP's culture.

I think she should say she's not doing it full stop.

She's not doing it at all next year, because it's someone else's turn to host.

And the year after that, they can have a discussion, and IF her husband really wants to host something at their house, it's on the condition that the cooking preparation is divided up in advance, with one person bringing each thing. Any children will be properly cared for, the OP will get to sit down and eat with everyone else, and her husband will do all the clearing up afterwards. (The next day, if necessary.) And if any of those conditions are not met, they are NEVER hosting Eid at their house again.

She really does need to put her foot down.

The problem is that her husband clearly wants to look like the perfect son who has married the perfect wife who can click her fingers like Mary Poppins and produce a feast for the whole family at the drop of a hat, leaving him free to schmooze his mother and drive her home afterwards. But real life is not magic and these things take work.

Even if her husband is completely stupid, his mother and sister should know how much work these things take and they should have offered to help. But they were happy to take advantage of the OP's husband wanting to be the big "I am" because it meant that they didn't have to lift a finger.

Either way, nothing will ever change unless the OP takes a stand and says "never again".

@gollyimholly if you ask MN to move this thread to the South Asian or the Muslim board, you might receive better replies. At the moment, although you sought advice here, you're having to educate Mumsnetters who don't understand certain family structures or the complexity of ritual preparations in a home. It's not fair to you; I'm sorry. (Also I'm perplexed that so many Mumsnetters only have Christmas dinner as a lived experience point of reference for family hosting; I wish more people socialised outside their own cultural groups.)

Is it cultural to also not feed children at Eid? Because surely that's the biggest issue despite OP making it all about a lift home.

Taxi/no taxi is not really the issue here although would have been good to discuss in advance so everyone knew what to expect.
I also expect lots of pp don’t understand the food expectations of such a dinner so you’re getting a harder time than may be necessary.

The first big problem here is your DH - disregarding you when you said you’d rather not host, and then not helping you or arranging his family members to share the food preparation- it is so disrespectful to have you in the kitchen too busy to join them for the meal itself.
The second problem is your own boundaries - you didn’t want to host so you need to stand up for yourself- his family, he needs to at least pull his weight or there will be no dinner. You certainly need to sit at the table with them as an equal, not the kitchen helper. If you are going to host again then your DH is at least equally responsible for the meal. Then you both cook and serve when everyone is able to eat. If that means not cooking, cooking less, serving later then you need to do that - and only you can assert yourself in these situations, sounds like everyone else is happy for you to wait on them hand and foot.

But is it normal in this culture for one person to have to do everything on her own, including being responsible for looking after the toddler, and not get to sit down to eat herself?

OP, sorry you had such a difficult and stressful end to what should have been a lovely family celebration. But it’s done now so sit down with your DH and address the issue about last minute invites and what that means for you in reality in terms of preparation. Hopefully he will know better for next time.

Sorry OP but every part of this is self inflicted.

Nobody was going to die if you didn't cook an elaborate meal and wait on 3 adults whilst starving yourself and your child in the process.

You chose to do all of this.

@gollyimholly Your options are:

1.) Live like this forever
or
2.) Stand up for yourself

Pick one.

My goodness, OP. Do you make such heavy going of the rest of your life? You are a stay at home mother. You have way, way more time to spend on this sort of thing than most. As a lot of people on MN know, Indian food is not supernaturally harder and more time consuming than any other food. In fact, a lot of it is very conveniently cook ahead and reheat food. Tupperware rules in a lot of Indian households. This makes me think when you talk about eating western food the rest of the time, you mean bunging some burgers in a bun or some chops under the grill. This Saturday event being arranged on Wednesday is not "last minute". I get the impression your child might be clingy because you expect her to be but even so, again, most of us are familiar with the clingy phase - you just get on with it. I've voted you are being unreasonable and I'll say it again - you are being very very unreasonable. I can see a scenario in the future where you are on here writing "AIBU? I am a 67 year old grandmother. I can't believe my DIL expected me to travel home after a family event in a taxi. I live an hour away! She also spent the entire time I was there, hiding in the kitchen. I don't think she wanted me at this celebration."

It's normal to treat guests honourably, yes.

You have to stop hosting in a way that needs things to be go go go before, during and after. I’m presuming some cultural expectations here around what constitutes an Eid meal - I’ve a friend married to a Muslim man, their Eid buffets are spectacular but they don’t have little kids.

Host, but pare it back to suit your circumstances.

This! Why was she not in bed?! Mine are dinner and bed by 8.30pm latest, even with guests…

Yes, I can see it was a bit annoying for you but it’s his mum so I understand why he did it. I don’t understand why you would have been up all night cooking, cleaning and decorating though, sounds a bit unnecessary for 2 visitors.

That's not the question I asked.

Is it normal that nobody else helped in any way and that the OP was running around like a skivvy to the extent that she didn't get to eat with the family and her toddler didn't get fed?

My thoughts exactly, Yeah, so many why's or why nots here!

Another one of these threads where white British people shit their pants because in some cultures kids stay up a bit later.