To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

I can't give my IL's English food.
They eat a very specific menu on special occasions and it does take me ages. There is no quick way to do it.
Canapes, starters, biryani, rice, curry etc and dessert.
If it was just a regular dinner it would be far less stressful, but I cooked literally 10 different things.

DD was napping until 7pm and usually not in the mood to eat for a while after she wakes up @FortyElephants

This whole thing is mental. Wednesday to Sunday is too last minute for a dinner with 2 extra people?
An “all nighter” cleaning cooking and decorating?
You and DH not noticing non of you had fed your 2 year old?

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me
You aren’t being left with a newborn, you’re blowing this way out of proportion. You should be able to be “left” with your own 2 year old for a short period of time while your DH gives a lift.
The lift is literally the least of your worries.

I wouldn’t have expected my DM to have to get a taxi home if I could take her. He did the right thing.

You sound like you live a strangely chaotic life in general if between you you can’t remember to feed a toddler until very late in the evening and two extra dinner guests creates so much work it needs hours of clearing up.

I would take a look at how you can get yourself into a better routine on an every day basis.

No you can’t just blame DH for your 2 year old not having dinner.
If you had an all nighter to cook why were you in the kitchen during the entire time everyone else was eating?

It all sounds a bit chaotic and dramatic. You pulled an all nighter cooking the night before, and then spent most of the night in the kitchen? No-one thought to feed your DD - where was she when you were eating, and if you were in the kitchen most of the night didn’t you notice that DH wasn’t preparing food for her? Why no discussion/expectation before 10.30 that he would be taking her home given the usual scenario.

Was it a very elaborate dinner? I just can’t envisage so much effort, particularly the all nighters, when you both had three days to get sorted.

Whether someone your MIL’e age should be capable and confident to get herself on is one thing, but ultimately you know she’s not, so it was an outcome that should have been anticipated and planned you.

TBH, if I was that tired, I would have fed DD something quick and easy, gone to bed and have dealt with the cleanup on Sunday.

Canapés are fine for a 2yr old, she probably had enough to constitute a dinner. Wouldn’t have it been easier to feed her at her usual hour (something quick like pasta), and then put her to bed at 1930?

Why were you both trying to do DIY the night before, surely a quick hoover and wipe of the surfaces would have been fine? I can’t understand how it took so long to cook for four adults? I don’t take that long making a holiday feast for 10!! How does it take all night, then all day, then another 3hrs when they are there to cook for four people?!!

Were you all not eating together around the table?

I think your husband taking his family home is a bit of a red herring, you both don’t sound very organised and have no sense of prioritisation.

This is the most bizarre post.
YOU need to take responsibility for your daughter not eating by 10.30pm! That is insane, even with a late nap.

How can it be so hard to have TWO people over? So hard that you neglect to feed your child and put them to bed?!!!

I did feed DD something quick and easy.

I didn't eat during the 3 hours and it was an elaborate meal. And it was a lot of to'ing and fro'ing - there were canapes, starters, many many curries and desserts.

I wouldn’t have any family member or friend, no matter their age, getting public transport at 1030pm, when I could drive them.

I am talking about cooking Indian food. I feel like that was an important detail I skipped in my OP. It takes ages to make just samosas. I am not disorganised - I don't usually have ingredients to make Indian food. We usually eat western food in general. I had to go to specialist butchers etc in preparation, it really wasn't just a standard thing.

What would be wrong with a taxi?
Especially one you’ve paid for so it’s not costing her anything.

Utterly chaotic and really only yourself to blame. Napping until 7.30??? Why? And neglectful not to feed her dinner until post 10.30 when you've got all that food around. Was she just watching you eat? Smelling it almost and not allowed to join in?

Madness. And yes very disorganised. How filthy is your house that it's an all nighter to clean it!

It sounds like you have a few issues with organisation. Stayed up all night to cook and clean for 5 people? Then didn’t feed your 2 your old and it was 10.30? Plus there was still washing up to do? I would have driven them home. The washing up could surely have been done by one or some of you earlier in the day? When my child was 2 they would have been fed with everyone else and in bed by that time.

@gollyimholly would it not have been easier to have them over for the afternoon instead of the evening??? I would be telling dh that this wont be happening again as you expect him to stay in the house to help when everyone leaves. dont invite sil if she isnt going to help, especially as she never reciprocates!! what time did the toddler manage to get to bed???

I was cooking, DH was cleaning. It's not filthy, he's just slow.

In general the food would have been too spicy for DD. I was not at the table during dinner.

I mentioned her routine was off that day because we were visiting other family in the day. She had a very late nap from which she only woke up just after 7pm. I didn't think it was neglectful for her routine to be messed up as it can be expected during an occasion like this. But I myself wasn't ok either when I realised she didn't have dinner and I agree that it was awful.

Christian family here, but from Iraq. I understand the meal prep for Eid, as for Easter Sunday, we do similar: lots of traditional dishes and sides that take bloody ages to prepare and make (also stuff that you simply can't just order/buy in!). I can't believe that your MIL and SIL left it all to you though!! We normally join forces as a family. One will do the dokhwa, another the dolmah, another will do the kilechah and mahmoul etc etc...We either do this all together in one kitchen, or each do it in our own kitchens and then we take those foods to the house of whoever is hosting. What about arranging it that way next year? It honestly saves so much time!

I can only assume that you were resentful about “having” to host his mum and sister in the evening (instead of only going to see your family all day? That seems to be being glossed over a bit as a given) and instead of dealing with that feeling directly or saying no to begin with, you’re making the whole thing out to be wildly impossible to manage and picking a fight indirectly.

Your toddler had eaten well all day, had food at 5pm, then had canapés and presumably sat at the dinner table after 7:30 and wasn’t hungry… she didn’t need a meal at 10:30pm, she needed pyjamas, maybe a yoghurt and bed. How much of the days of shopping, cooking, cleaning, & the all-nighter were due to having two people for dinner and how much was because you were all going to spend the day with your family? What actually needed to be done between 10:30-12:30 that you couldn’t manage alone or leave until morning?

Sounds very dramatic. I don't think he's unreasonable for dropping his mother home. The unreasonable part is all this drama around having 2 dinner guests. You shouldn't need to be cooking for days and spending the whole time in the kitchen, not eating yourself and somehow forgetting to feed the 2 year old? Where was she during the whole thing- seems odd that there were 4 adults and one toddler, and an obviously enormous amount of food that you spent days preparing -and no one fed her? In any case it seems like the "hard" part would be the 2 hours of driving your husband did (which seems like the right thing to do for his mother at that time of night) Maybe she could stay over instead?

I appreciate there are cultural expectations at play but come on! 10 different dinner items all from scratch and you didn't even get to sit down and eat and all for TWO guests? You need to stop. Next Eid take them out for a lovely meal. You're not a 'bad wife' if you put your foot down and stop doing this.

Yes also this! At 10.30 why did it matter that he was out for 2 hours when a normal person would have taken DD and gone to bed?!

You need to plan better. If they are only staying for three hours those three hours should have been earlier. I would expect to take MIL home at that time. I wouldn’t be so fussed about tidying before they came though. You have a young child, you don’t have to keep the house completely tidy.

I think you're the only poster who understands why the food part took so long. ILs absolutely never contribute to the food.

The biggest issue here is that you seem to have repeatedly said you don’t want to host and yet ended up doing it. Why?? Why did you not say “NO”?

It also sounds way out of proportion in terms of effort to cook a meal for a couple of guests.
Why was everyone ok with you slaving in the kitchen throughout the meal?Are they really as lovely as you say if no one thought about you ?
Why did no one think to feed the 2 yr old ?

As for transport back for them, they would have been ok in an Uber. Better still, could they have stayed the night?
As for the mess, in my house, it would have waited til next day. Especially if I was expected to clean up alone.

You really need to start saying “No”. It makes life so much easier. You sound like a people pleaser and that means you go out of your way to please others to your own detriment.

It was the only time that MIL and SIL could make. It was initially supposed to be earlier in the day.

Then stop doing it. Why can't you?