Which of my daughters is being unreasonable?

[JMSA]

Daughter 1 - she is 18 and likely going to university later this year. Will live away from home. Has a huge bedroom with a king size bed that will - if she gets her way - remain empty until she returns home.

Daughter 2 - has a very small bedroom but with its own en-suite, which was the plus side to the smaller bedroom. Has a single bed but would love more space. Wants to move into daughter 1’s room when she moves out. I think this is a bit harsh, especially if for any reason uni doesn’t work out and she moves back home.

In my opinion, a good compromise is that Daughter 1’s bedroom remains empty for the first year. But after that she moves into the small bedroom so that her sister, who lives here all year round, can have the big bedroom.

Both girls shared for YEARS until their older sister moved out. So it follows that they’re rather protective of their own space, especially Daughter 2 who loves her bedroom and bed.
Daughter 2 is messy and not the most hygienic, so I don’t think her moving into her sister’s bedroom during term-time (and back again for the holidays) is feasible. The crossover would cause arguments, so it has to be one or the other.

What are your thoughts? Thanks

We had this with our sons. Younger moved into elder’s room when he went to uni.

I’m in agreement with your first idea. Despite the comments you are getting here DD1 has not
moved out. She is away at Uni and will be home for big heaps of time still. If she is anything like my DD who is in her first year, she wanted to come home and have her home comforts and familiarity when she came home. Especially when she was a little homesick. So if I were you I would leave DD in her own room. Don’t make her feel pushed out by making her change rooms the minute she leaves.

I think your initial thoughts and compromises were good and fair all round.

I'd wait a while. There will be all sorts of feelings for your uni child as they prepare to move out. It's a big move and if you add to that then losing their room, I think it's too much. My eldest was very protective of their room when they moved to uni, we are coming up to the end of the first year and they actually said they wouldn't be too bothered about changing bedrooms now. So I'd give it to the end of the first year at least

We swapped the dds bedrooms after Christmas of dd1s first year. It just seemed senseless for the much larger bedroom to stand empty most of the year. Dd1 is doing a subject with placements and long terms so while she may randomly turn up mid week during term time she isn’t home in the holidays for months at a time.

I basically told them that is what would happen ages before dd1 applied to uni so it wasn’t a shock and dd1 was fine about it. She actually quite likes the smaller room. I’ve told them that if dd1 needs to come home after uni and dd2 is at uni the rooms will be swapped back again. So far everyone’s fine with that too.

your dd1 is being a bit unreasonable but she is a teenager who is probably a bit wobbly about going away from home. But she probably does need to give up her room if she’s barely going to be there. It’s not as if she won’t have a room to come back to.

I think your compromise is a good one
Otherwise dd1 gets 1 big bedroom AND uni room (so effectively 2.5 rooms) and dd2 gets just 1 small room.
Particularly in second and third year often rent is for the whole year so dd1 could leave some stuff there over summer.

Otherwise id say she's allowed to store some stuff in the big bedroom (or elsewhere in the house) -because squeezing all her stuff in the small room will mean its quite cramped. But she should do a sort out when she comes home in may/June of the stuff she won't need (e.g.all winter stuff) rather than expecting to go in and out of the big room at will.

If you can afford it perhaps get a bigger (e.g. at least queen size) bed in the smaller room so it doesn't feel like such a downgrade? You could get on that lifts up for under bed storage to save room on chest of drawers etc.

I'm surprised by the responses you are getting. University terms are so short, the holidays are long. My eldest was effectively only away from October till May and home for all the long holidays and a few weekends in between. Going to uni is simply not the same as moving out. I'd keep the status quo for at least a year.

My mum was always on my back about my room being messy and my sister being neat in her room. My sisters room was about 2.5 times bigger, my wardrobe was smaller, I just didn’t have anywhere to put things. Because she had a dressing table she had somewhere to put things down whereas I only had a tiny desk so it was just constantly clutter. Once we moved out at 17 they found out who the messy one was.

DD2 should get the larger room if that is what she wants.

DD1 gets the smaller room as she is there less time during the year. Luckily it has the ensure which at least goes some way to making up for it.

Best thing to do is wait until after her first Xmas - so when she comes home for the October/December break she will have her room then after that do the swap

I know it feels dreadful doesn’t it?! I had to do similar but it proved to be the correct decision as child hardly came home much !!

If DD2 is messy but currently has an en suite, won’t moving her into the bigger room mean that you are then sharing a bathroom with her? Might that become a point of dispute between the two of you?

I think DD2 should have the larger room. Once her messiness and poor hygiene is corrected for a period of time. Say three months, anything shorter will just lead I expect to a reversal to now.

There wasn’t any need to mention you’re a single parent.

Your eldest daughter is moving out to uni and will likely only be back for holidays (or not even then, I only went back home for a few!) so doesn’t need a big room when they have a new room at uni.

Your youngest daughter should be allowed more space since there’s a bigger room available.

It does come across like your eldest is your favourite since you very clearly want her to keep the bigger room.

I would allow eldest daughter til Xmas to decide if uni life was for her and if staying then would allow them to swap rooms. This gives time to get settled.

Hmmm. What about the kids who are not coming home every 5 mins? My DS is in 3rd year. He's not really stayed here much since he went. What with travelling and working abroad in the long holidays and the job and girlfriend he has in the uni town . If I had a younger child wanting his room I'd definitely let them have it for maybe the 4 weeks a year he stays

And that maybe some students. Not all of them. My 3rd year DS is living in a one bed flat with his girlfriend who graduated last year.

I'd keep the small bedroom with the ensures if my choice.

I don’t think going to Uni counts as moving out. Ours certainly returned home during university.

I also agree the first year of uni is a big time and many students will drop out. Depending on D 1’s sensitivity level, I would perhaps suggest to DD2 to give it 6 months to see if DD1 finds her feet and review it then (note I say review and not give that as a move in date).

in the meanwhile regardless of potential ADHD issues, she should be encouraged as a growing young woman to up her hygiene standards. It’s better that she hears it at home because one day if she hasn’t learnt, someone else will say it and she will more upset than by you starting to work on it now.

I would give daughter 2 the bigger room straight away on the condition that daughter 1 gets it back if uni doesn't work out and potentially when she returns after the three years, which is fairly normal these days. Seems unfair on daughter 2 to stay in a small room when a bigger one will be empty for three years, especially after sharing for so long.

Sincerely yours,

A second daughter who didn't get her own room until she was 15 😂

It’s a tale as old as time if you move out you lose your room to whoever has a smaller room. My niece and nephews have swapped rooms so many times where they keep moving out and back again.

Daughter 1 will have lots of weeks of holiday, and may decide uni isn't for her. I think she should keep her room until she moves out on a more permanent basis.

Daughter 2 has the same room she's had for a while presumably. Why does she need to swap?

Very good point! @JMSA what's the difference in floor space and storage room between the rooms?

Going to university isn’t really moving out unless she plans to stay in her university city during holidays too .
I assume your older daughter who has the larger room currently will be back home when it’s not term time ?
I would keep things as they are for the first term then discuss changing rooms round with your 2 daughters ,
It does seem a shame that the largest bedroom mostly sits empty when the youngest daughter could have it

Just to add my opinion from someone who was in this exact situation.
I was in your DD2 position when my sister went to uni. I stayed in the small room until Uni had finished & my sister decided she wasn't moving back home.
I desperately wanted the big room, but we can't all have what we want in life 🤣
The big room was my sister's and the house was still her home.

I personally think what you are saying of waiting a year is perfectly fair, but I would also say to make her wait until uni is finished and you are sure your DD1 isn't moving back home.

I would probably wait until after the first term is completed. Then you know the eldest is secure at university. It will probably help to not take away their “home” space when they have so much to get used to when starting university, and phase it by doing after Christmas.

Going to uni isn’t really the same as permanently moving out. The holidays are long. My DS finished his first year at the beginning of May and was home again until end September! DS2 had a very small bedroom so we agreed to swap when DS1 went into the second year. That way he was more settled at uni and didn’t feel like he was being pushed out.