Which of my daughters is being unreasonable?

[JMSA]

Daughter 1 - she is 18 and likely going to university later this year. Will live away from home. Has a huge bedroom with a king size bed that will - if she gets her way - remain empty until she returns home.

Daughter 2 - has a very small bedroom but with its own en-suite, which was the plus side to the smaller bedroom. Has a single bed but would love more space. Wants to move into daughter 1’s room when she moves out. I think this is a bit harsh, especially if for any reason uni doesn’t work out and she moves back home.

In my opinion, a good compromise is that Daughter 1’s bedroom remains empty for the first year. But after that she moves into the small bedroom so that her sister, who lives here all year round, can have the big bedroom.

Both girls shared for YEARS until their older sister moved out. So it follows that they’re rather protective of their own space, especially Daughter 2 who loves her bedroom and bed.
Daughter 2 is messy and not the most hygienic, so I don’t think her moving into her sister’s bedroom during term-time (and back again for the holidays) is feasible. The crossover would cause arguments, so it has to be one or the other.

What are your thoughts? Thanks

I left for university at 17 and the minute I was gone, my parents moved my sister into my bedroom. It felt really upsetting actually. As if they couldn't wait to be shot of me.
I had struggled to settle at university and I didn't feel I belonged at home either. It might not be logical, and I can see why people think it's fairer if they swap, but I can see exactly why you're hesitating and think you might be right.
It sounds as if your younger daughter will be at home for quite a while, so she could wait for a bit before moving into the bigger room. At least let your older daughter come home for Christmas in her old room.

Does she realize she's giving up the en-suite bathroom if they switch rooms? And that she'll need to keep whatever shared bathroom she'll now be using clean for others?

small room is the part time room

Can’t DD2 use both rooms/sleep in DD1’s room if she likes - but go back to original rooms when DD1 returns during holidays?

Neither is being unreasonable. It’s natural for teenagers to prioritise their own wants and in this case, the bigger room is the prize they’re vying for.

Giving the room to DD2 the minute DD1 is gone is a bad idea IMO. It’s going to make DD1 feel unwelcome and as if she doesn’t matter. And as you point out, uni might not work out for her.

The idea to wait until Christmas is a good one. You can also tell DD2 she can move at the end of the year IF she keeps her current room in a better state between now and then, you’ll consider the swap (a bit of incentive might help push her to keep things tidier). By that stage you should have a good idea of whether DD1 is going to boomerang home or not.

I disagree with people saying they should swap rooms. DD1 is going to uni, she’s not actually moving out this is still her home. She could be back for half terms, reading weeks, occasional weekends, Christmas and long summer holidays.

Her second year she will probably rent and so you could agree that once she’s in her own place they swap rooms. But I think it’s fair to say DD1 remains in her room for now

I would knock this conversation on the head until the eldest actually goes to uni. My DD1 did A levels last year and her room was really important to her. Your DD1 is already under a lot of stress with her forthcoming exams, and arguments about kicking her out of her room are not helpful. It’s probably her safe space at the moment and decorated to her taste with the ‘teenage essentials’ like fairy lights and photos. That space and feelings of safety are really important right now.

Moving on a year my DD is coming to the end of her first year at uni. We could probably burn her room down for all she cares! She came home for a few weeks at Christmas but was bored quite quickly. She has a new life, new friends, a boyfriend, loves her course, her clubs, the city she lives in. Her room isn’t important to her anymore.

So in your shoes I’d close the conversation down and say that everything stays the same for the foreseeable future.

Rooms should rotate when the oldest leaves for uni. They can have the least desirable room on breaks and holidays. All other children move up a room.

It’s ridiculous to keep the bigger bedroom, empty, for DD1. It’s completely fair to let DD2 have it. It’s your house, you get to decide.

Only if she is enabled. Keep it tidy, or back to small room. It's fairly straight forward.

DD2 gets the big room - she has A levels coming up and needs the space to study - other than the fact that she’s the one at home FT so it’s bonkers she doesn’t get the better room

DD1 has semi moved out so her needs are less, if uni doesn’t work out, her stay back home will be brief (presumably she’ll work for a few months and then go to another one) - and anyway, you can’t keep your younger daughter away from the bigger room on the grounds it may not work out because that does make it sound like your elder one deserves some special treatment.

This is all pretty obvious so I suspect you are hoping people will tell you otherwise to avoid conflict. Honestly you younger daughter will likely colonise the room anyway, so just rip the plaster off now

I am all for getting kids to pull their weight but

a) all that does is set this up to be The Year Of NeverEnding Conflict for the OP which is bonkers

b) kids with ADHD do find these things harder , it is not just because she is ‘enabled’ - that is an ill informed and silly remark

you can’t keep your younger daughter away from the bigger room on the grounds it may not work out because that does make it sound like your elder one deserves some special treatment.
This, otherwise it very much reads, 'you can only get this room if your older sister doesn't want it, not because it's better for you'.

I wouldn’t swap the rooms. DD1 will still be home for (long) holidays and probably some weekends. It’s still her home. And what if she returns home after her uni course finishes? Will DD2 be at uni then, and will the rooms have to swap back again? It just seems daft. Until someone moves out, leave them as they are.

When I went to uni, there was no mention at all of me giving my sibling my larger room. They didn’t ask and I don’t think it even occurred to them as it was my room.

So, I’d leave things as they are for now and maybe re-assess in a year if needed.

I’d say keep her room until she comes home from uni for Christmas. By then she’ll know if she’s enjoying her course and should be more settled in her new life. You can discuss it before she goes back after the holidays.

It’s still her home and you don’t want to make her feel unwelcome. DD2 can wait a few months for the larger room. She has her own ensuite room, she’s not on a fold out bed in the lounge.

She’s an anxious soul though and you just never know with being uni so far away.

Don't affirm a disproportionate level of anxiety - if you keep her bedroom free you are sending her a message that you agree she has something to be anxious about and "needs" a back up plan. You can empathise with a bit of nervousness but you don't need to validate her worrying about it to that degree. Its setting her up to struggle and run home at the first opportunity.

Fair enough, but the fact that it is harder shouldn't mean that the child is allowed to do as they please with no consequence surely?

There must be some way of dealing with it other than 'have the big room and it can still be as messy as this one'?

Youngest gets big room with caveat that if not kept clean etc she moves back to small room.

I would leave DD room free, she hasn't moved out permanently, she'll be back for midterms breaks and summer holidays.

I was 1 if 4 girl growing up, I understand the dynamics.

Why should the youngest always gave the smacker bedroom. Swap them round, it's only fair.

Me either

We did what you are planning. The bedroom remained the eldest for year one and then they switched.

my eldest is still here quite a bit when you factor in the surprisingly long summer holidays, almost a month at Christmas and two weeks at Easter.

I’d say it’s the eldest child’s decision as she’s older. Once she lives somewhere else full time the youngest can make the choice.

Leave all changes to after christmas so you're sure uni is working out for dd1. Dd2 can wait a couple of months before moving in.

We had this when dd1 went to uni ds had the box room, but tbh we kept the rooms the same as dd1 cam home about 1 weekend a month plus Christmas for about a month, Easter for a couple of weeks and then summer is may -September. We moved rooms when dd finished uni and rented a flat in her uni town.