Which of my daughters is being unreasonable?

[JMSA]

Daughter 1 - she is 18 and likely going to university later this year. Will live away from home. Has a huge bedroom with a king size bed that will - if she gets her way - remain empty until she returns home.

Daughter 2 - has a very small bedroom but with its own en-suite, which was the plus side to the smaller bedroom. Has a single bed but would love more space. Wants to move into daughter 1’s room when she moves out. I think this is a bit harsh, especially if for any reason uni doesn’t work out and she moves back home.

In my opinion, a good compromise is that Daughter 1’s bedroom remains empty for the first year. But after that she moves into the small bedroom so that her sister, who lives here all year round, can have the big bedroom.

Both girls shared for YEARS until their older sister moved out. So it follows that they’re rather protective of their own space, especially Daughter 2 who loves her bedroom and bed.
Daughter 2 is messy and not the most hygienic, so I don’t think her moving into her sister’s bedroom during term-time (and back again for the holidays) is feasible. The crossover would cause arguments, so it has to be one or the other.

What are your thoughts? Thanks

Give D1 room to D2 for the duration of the university term. She moves back during the holidays.
That's what we did.
No need for an empty room for months.

It would be unfair for younger dd to stay in a small room with the big one mostly empty. She needs to promise to keep it clean, tho, more room just equals more mess otherwise!

When daughter leaves for uni her room is then available for dd2. If she moves back because it doesn’t work out then that is just life. My son moved out at 16 and he went from the best bedroom to the box room for when he comes home at weekends. My second son got the best room and we rent out a room to a lodger to help with bills. First son fully supportive of this as he is aware that he has moved out. Also I have used about half of the rent from lodger to pay for his driving lessons and car so it does benefit everyone.

You cant keep what is considered by the daughters to be the best bedroom empty whilst she is at uni in my opinion.

Seems I’ll be going against the grain here but I do not think you should give her bedroom away!
She hasn’t moved out, she’s gone to uni, and if anything like my daughter could be frequently back home. It was my daughter’s haven when she was having a stressful time and needed to come home and recharge, which she did a lot. Not every child goes off to uni and has a fantastic time.

Also, she will likely move back home full time after uni finishes, it’s not like they finish uni and immediately walk into a fantastic job and buy themselves a house, these days graduates can spend months or even years getting decent jobs.

Your younger daughter already has her own space, and a rather nice one by the sounds of it.

If your older daughter goes off to uni and has a fantastic time and you never see her over the next 3 or 4 years maybe it’s something you could look at in the future but I think it’s a bad idea to immediately give her room away.

So little empathy for DD1 from many PP. I find that really sad.

I don't think that it is wise to signal to your elder daughter that her room is no longer available until you know she is properly settled at university. Don't underestimate the difficulties than can arise in that transition. Your younger daughter could use your elder daughter's bedroom as a study space straightaway, on the proviso that she moves her books etc out whenever your elder daughter comes home.

Agreed! Awful some of these posts.

I think you should encourage them to swap rooms now, while there's still 5-6 months before the elder sister leaves for uni, so that the small bedroom can start to feel 'like home'

This!

I’m always surprised when people talk about going to university as “moving out”.

DS’s uni holidays seem to be as long as his terms! and so it would seem grossly unfair to give his room away when he is back every holiday for weeks at a time.

Ridiculous that a large bedroom remains empty for a year. DD2 gets the room.

I was the eldest and had the biggest room, when I went to uni I had to give it up for my sis and then she had to give it up for my brother. It's not fair to have a room like that empty half the time

I think it depends when and how much dd1 will be home?
When I lived at uni, everyone cleared out to go home on the weekends so I was sleeping at home Fri + Sat minimum. In this case, I'd keep the rooms as is.

I’d keep things as they are for a year or so and then decide, uni holidays are five months per year so she’ll be back a lot plus probably the odd weekend during the term. if she’s hardly ever back because she’s working abroad in the summer or whatever then review it.

Yes I’m also the eldest and gave up the biggest room when I went to uni. I got the box room when I was home for holidays. I didn’t think it was unfair - it seemed sensible!

I disagree with PP. It can be quite scary going to uni, living away from home for the first time etc (although yes it's great). I think it's quite a stressful time and you'll be adding to it, both from a practical viewpoint as you'll be asking her to pack for uni as well as sort her room, but also the feeling of leaving home for good / things permanently changing etc. And if things don't work out at uni then she won't be able to come back to her old room. Lots of uni students get homesick at first and i dont think it would help knowing things were different at home.

I agree that your younger daughter should have her choice of room but I'd wait a while until your older daughter has definitely settled at uni and see what she is going in the summer holidays. After the first summer holidays,

Also what's going to happen to the en suite? Will your youngest still be expecting to wander through what would be her sisters room, to use the en suite when she felt like it / if the main bathroom was busy? I don't think your older daughter would like this especially if your youngest is messy

I would change the rooms round in January of next year. No need to wait a whole year IMHO.

Youngest get the room sounds fair to me. Older dd will still have a room just not the big one.

Both girls deserve understanding. The younger child shouldn't just get whats left over when her older siblings get choices, meanwhile the older needs a space to call her own.

I don't think either is "wrong" but be careful how you do it. My mum's mum gave her room away to her younger sister the day she moved out, because her sister was sad she was going, and she hasn't forgotten it nearly fifty years later.

I agree- DD2 gets big room, linked to tidy goals. I would only suggest maybe transferring after Christmas holidays. It’s a big deal to leave home - emotionally and organisationally. So changing rooms right then too, would be chaos. It also allows for first terms disasters/ home sick visits etc to be easier to manage, and over for her to feel her room is there. Then first holiday, switching is a project.

When I went to Uni I was still home for around 2-3 months over summer, a month at Christmas and then a couple of weeks over Easter. It’s still a long time that you often spend back at home, I’d have wanted my normal room available to me!

There are very different opinions on here, but it boils down to what your DDs are like. Mine were fine with this sort of thing, but if you think it's going to be problematic, just defer a move

Goodness me, “without DD1 falling apart.” She’ll still have a room, it just won’t be the big room. If she’s going to crumble at not having a big room, she’s not ready to go to university.

Older child has got a space of her own already, both have. Anyone would the think the younger one is sleeping in the garden shed looking at some of these replies.

Older daughter is NOT moving out, she’s going to uni and will spend half the year back at home, maybe more.

I do wonder everyone who is giving this advice if they have actually been in this situation. Going to uni, whilst exciting, can also be stressful and scary. To be immediately turfed out of your bedroom and likely safe space on top of that must really upsetting for the older child, and really awful imo.