Which of my daughters is being unreasonable?

[JMSA]

Daughter 1 - she is 18 and likely going to university later this year. Will live away from home. Has a huge bedroom with a king size bed that will - if she gets her way - remain empty until she returns home.

Daughter 2 - has a very small bedroom but with its own en-suite, which was the plus side to the smaller bedroom. Has a single bed but would love more space. Wants to move into daughter 1’s room when she moves out. I think this is a bit harsh, especially if for any reason uni doesn’t work out and she moves back home.

In my opinion, a good compromise is that Daughter 1’s bedroom remains empty for the first year. But after that she moves into the small bedroom so that her sister, who lives here all year round, can have the big bedroom.

Both girls shared for YEARS until their older sister moved out. So it follows that they’re rather protective of their own space, especially Daughter 2 who loves her bedroom and bed.
Daughter 2 is messy and not the most hygienic, so I don’t think her moving into her sister’s bedroom during term-time (and back again for the holidays) is feasible. The crossover would cause arguments, so it has to be one or the other.

What are your thoughts? Thanks

I think your compromise is fair, if uni works out and she’s definitely going back for second year then she swaps rooms.

You are being unreasonable and blaming it on the dds.

It's you that wants to keep dd1 room as it is just in case.

Of course you should keep a room for dd1 but there's no reason it can't be a different room.

Facilitate the swap before she goes to uni so she knows what she's coming home to.

I think that the older ones room should stay empty for the first year. The younger one can be on a years trial to keep her room cleaner and improve her hygiene.

The youngest needs to grow up a bit and realise that with privileges come responsibilities. The older ones needs reassurance that it is still her home and she is respected.

In that case they draw straws.

Don't get involved past that.

My bro had the big room. When he went to uni, sister moved into it and I moved into the mid sized room with the plan being he move into the small room when he was at home. Sis allowed bro to keep his stuff in one of the cupboards though and he never returned home anyway so it was a non issue.

Having a huge room empty 90% of the year when another daughter wants it, seems ...odd.

I would keep things as they are until after the first Christmas break from Uni and then change the rooms over in the new year. That gives your eldest time to settle at uni and also have the long Christmas holidays back in her own room.

I certainly wouldn’t let DD2 have the bigger room as soon as DD1 goes off to uni.
Is DD1 intending on popping back for weekends very regularly?
When my DS went off to uni (five hours away), he had lots of wobbles during the first term or two and was close to leaving, so I wouldn’t be too hasty just yet. He also missed home and came home for the weekend every six weeks or so and loved the home comforts of his room.
So personally, I’d wait for a bit and see how she settles and how often she comes back and then go from there. I can see how DD2 would want the bigger room though!
Oh and I was an absolute mess when DS left for uni but after the initial wobbles, he loved it and it was easier knowing he was happy there

I don’t think you are unreasonable. Going to uni is challenging psychologically. Just knowing your safe space is waiting for you in holidays, weekends at home when you just need a break and to come back, can make it all the easier. If you come home and basically get used to a new space that doesn’t feel ‘yours’, it is even more change to contend with.
I like your idea of leaving it for the first year. After that she will likely be more settled and uni will feel more like home too.
But this is MN. On here once you leave at 18 that’s it.
@rainbowstardrops has it right

Actually, I agree with your compromise op. That way, neither daughter gets to demand and get their own way, and DD1 has a bit of security (rightly or wrongly that's how she feels) while she settles in to her first year. There is a big maturity difference between yr13 and second year of uni!

I would probably leave it until after Christmas. But I'd 100% let the daughter at home have the big room. I reckon by christmas your eldest won't care as much as she will have been off for a while on her own.

I'm the younger sibling who resented my older sister having the bigger room.

I don't think you're BU to want to keep dd1's room for her while she is at university. I don't regard uni students as having properly "moved out". It's important at that age to still feel that home is home imo.

On what planet is going to university moving out/leaving home? Students come back every holiday and sometimes in between. Very often (too often sadly, in my view) they return to the family home after graduation, as it’s too expensive for them to live independently nowadays. Often in their second and third years they are living in shared rented houses, which can be ,frankly, crowded and in poor condition, so they appreciate having their own nice room to return to periodically.
Unless your older girl is fully ok with it and offers it up, I would not switch rooms.

Let the oldest keep her room until the first Christmas at uni. When she comes home she'll be changing rapidly. If she's happy at uni she'll possibly be more amenable to giving up her room - if she's unhappy she may be moving back.

Daughter who lives at home all the time gets the biggest room, sibling who's off to uni gets the smaller room with ensuite when she comes home to visit or if uni doesn't work out.

This, all the talk about stress and how awful this will be for dd1, how did she cope with moving into the bigger room when the eldest moved?

I wouldn’t make a swap straight away for the reasons others have outlined. I’d let her go off to uni and review at an agreed time once she’s made the move.

I think the idea of keeping the room for one year.

I can imagine DD1 being in a small uni room in a single bed and dreaming of her 'home' bedroom.

Also it would be a lot for her to not only move to uni but to move out of her room and in to the smaller room.

I think DD2 needs to up her game in the hygiene department if she is going to start using the family bathroom.

Will daughter 1 be coming home every weekend or just holidays, she hasn't officially moved out she's going to uni so holidays are long and she'll most likely be at home for those , if I was younger daughter I don't think I'd want to give up my en suite . Maybe a trial run after daughter is settled at uni for a couple of months to see how it goes

Dd2 moved into Dd1’s bigger room as soon as the packed car set off to Dd1’s uni!

when Dd1 would come home she’d sleep in DD2’s old room
or they’d sleep together in Dd1’s old room.

Think it’s unfair to have a big room
sitting waiting for the older girl to return.

The daughter who lives at home full time should get the choice of room!

Theres no dilemma at all, the 18yo is an adult and leaving home. There's no way in hell it's fair to keep the biggest room empty for her.

Honestly I think drawing that line will help her to move on. She is not a kid any more, and never will be again.

Normally I'd default to using most of the household space for most of the time and so of course DD2 would get promoted to the bigger room. However, having had a DD whose room was permanently like a messy tip, no way would I reward her with even more space to mess up, especially as she's very unlikely to cede use of the ensuite and so it's inevitable that her mess would spread across all the rooms.

I'd set her a challenge to start keeping her room clean and reasonably tidy, to meet my standards, not her standard of clean and tidy, although it'd have to be realistic and say I'd monitor it after however long and we'd see. When DD2 has her own place she can live just the way she likes, but I'd be firm that I didn't want to see such a mess in my home.

I think I'd probably leave DD1's room as is for at least a term so she could return at the end of it and see she was still welcome home as a family member, not a part timer.

Going to uni isn't really "leaving home", though.

I think it's unusual for students to take everything they own with them and usually they come back for the holidays, which are lengthy. It's like a halfway house towards moving out. Quite often they'll move back in at the end of their degree.

Seems weird to me to instantly act as tho they don't live there any more.

I agree. My oldest is in his second year at uni.

In his first year he started mid September, was back home for a reading week in October, had a month off for Xmas and was finished for the year and back home by April other than a couple of exams which he travelled back to uni for in May. His second year has been similar.

I gave up reading responses so I don't know if this is repetitive. I am long past that age now but I was the eldest with similar sized rooms and no en-suites. No room to swap but what I was, and still am jealous of upon considering this, is the time and attention my younger sister got with me gone up and out to uni. I felt uninvolved with so much and so much happened without me, I think I would have felt sadder if my room and a connection to home/ normal life was also switched up. Perhaps keep the status quo for a little while as a buffer at least?

Of course dd2 should have the big room. I wouldn't make her wait a year. Dd1 has had it until now, it's her turn. Dd1 is moving out, it's insane to make your younger dc stay in a small room with a big one sitting empty.

Dd1 has a perfectly adequate room to come back to when she's visiting, but she's moving out!