Which of my daughters is being unreasonable?

[JMSA]

Daughter 1 - she is 18 and likely going to university later this year. Will live away from home. Has a huge bedroom with a king size bed that will - if she gets her way - remain empty until she returns home.

Daughter 2 - has a very small bedroom but with its own en-suite, which was the plus side to the smaller bedroom. Has a single bed but would love more space. Wants to move into daughter 1’s room when she moves out. I think this is a bit harsh, especially if for any reason uni doesn’t work out and she moves back home.

In my opinion, a good compromise is that Daughter 1’s bedroom remains empty for the first year. But after that she moves into the small bedroom so that her sister, who lives here all year round, can have the big bedroom.

Both girls shared for YEARS until their older sister moved out. So it follows that they’re rather protective of their own space, especially Daughter 2 who loves her bedroom and bed.
Daughter 2 is messy and not the most hygienic, so I don’t think her moving into her sister’s bedroom during term-time (and back again for the holidays) is feasible. The crossover would cause arguments, so it has to be one or the other.

What are your thoughts? Thanks

But why should the oldest always get the bigger room. The youngest is still at home, she might want to have a friend stop over. Her sister is now an adult, priority should be for the children still living at home.

You are the parent, the fact that you’re single is irrelevant. The child that lives at home full time gets the better room. The other child has had the luxury of a bigger room, time for the younger to benefit.

Families are all so different with this. When me and brothers left home that was it, stayed and worked in university city jobs during holidays and when we came back we were visiting/ staying over so that meant sleep wherever we were told really. Some people went home for all of the holidays and reverted back to being kids in heir own bedrooms with everything paid for by parents etc. Do you think your daughter will be back for long stretches during the holidays?
I still think your daughter that lives with you should have the big room.

I swapped the kids bedrooms when ds1 left for uni.

It was crazy to me to have the big room empty while one kid was here all the time!

We completely redecorated the small room to make it super grown up. Everyone's happy.

When we had this situation we kept the oldest’s room until they’d been home for the first Christmas, then the rooms were swapped.

How small is the smaller room with en suite? Box room or bigger? I’ve never heard of the tiniest room in the house having an en-suite and obviously this is the smallest bedroom but is it actually that small? If they’re vying over reasonable sizes then I’d leave them as they are and point out they’re lucky not to have to share anymore.

Also I can totally see the youngest having the best of both and moving into the biggest room but continuing to use the en-suite as her own bathroom.

The bigger room makes sense but imo she’s clearly going to keep using the en-suite so will effectively end up with two rooms!

I think really she should have the bigger room if she wants it but v clear understanding the other room is for her sister. She can use the en-suite but not the room (other than as corridor) in term time and has to clean it thoroughly for sister when she’s home and uses family bathroom then.
i know it’s a luxury but I had a room all while I was at uni and it was really important to feel there was space for me to visit and be without becoming a guest. But younger one lives there now and will be leaving too, so now is her turn.

I would go with your original plan to wait for at least two terms. Going to uni isn’t the same as buying your own flat. I would want to make sure the 18 year old was settled at university before changing rooms.

I'm sort of in this position, DS1 went to uni in September. DS2 uses DS1's desk while he's away (DS2's room isn't big enough for a desk), but sleeps in his own room, and DS1 moves back into his old room when he's home for the holidays. I guess the difference is that DS2 seems happy with that, if he was desperate for DS1's room maybe I'd be doing something different.

OP this is a tricky one and to me there isn't an obviously correct way to proceed. You're juggling different children's needs. I'd tell your youngest daughter that nothing's changing till the dust has settled ie till your older daughter's had a chance to settle in to uni. She doesn't need to feel that her special room is gone the minute she leaves home, especially if she's an anxious person. Give it at least a few months, let your daughter come home for at least the first university vacation, and then take stock.

Also I can totally see the youngest having the best of both and moving into the biggest room but continuing to use the en-suite as her own bathroom.
Me too. I also have a messy daughter who loves untidiness, she'd mess the two rooms.

Both girls shared for YEARS until their older sister moved out. So it follows that … youngest DD can move into middle DD’s room too then!

We are in this scenario. Youngest has a good size room but smaller than their sibling’s room. Sibling going to Uni but wants to come back some weekends and holidays etc we made them draw straws for it (we were moving into our current house). Youngest went first and drew the shortest straw. That made it fair.

Psychologically it is good for DD1 to recognize moving out and going to Uni is a big milestone and although she will always have a home with you now she has reached this milestone embracing her new independence and accepting things will change at home is the best course of action for her and the family.

Give DD2 the bigger room however, is she willing to give up using the en-suite when DD1 is at home?

Also, agree with PP a condition to getting the bigger room comes with the responsibility of better hygiene for DD2.

Give it a trial run.

I think DD2 should have the bigger room, but not yet. DD1 will be home for 5 months, almost half of the year at first. I would wait a year, as you suggest, or at least a few months so that she is settled.
How old is DD2? Will she have time to enjoy having a bigger room before she also moves out? Is she planning to go to uni?

Neither are being unreasonable. We had the same dilemma too when our eldest left home for uni. It was genuinely the only time DH and I had a difference in parenting opinion. We opted for the compromise of DD2 getting to use the room during term time for the first year. Dd2 then decided she didn't want it anyway. A year later she's changed her mind again and wants the bigger room so we have now told dd1 that we're swapping the rooms over. She's not happy but reluctantly agrees it's fair.

My concern here is that by keeping her room empty there’s an unsaid ‘you might not be able to cope with uni.’ You said she’s anxious so I get why you have that concern but when parents say ‘you can’t cope in the world’ kids absorb that and become anxious. Giving her room away could break that cycle. It also teaches her compromise and not always getting your own way which is a great lesson for the adult world.

This is one of those situations where you can't be fair to both children. One will lose out.

Are they both doing GCSEs and Alevels this summer? Park the discussion until after then. Then I'd suggest they do the swap at the beginning of the holidays, not after the move . So DD1 has time to make the smaller space hers to come home too

My DC (medical student) is home less than 3 months a year, it depends what course they are on.

I wouldn't even consider it. Going to university isn't the same as moving out. I'd just point out the bonus of the en suite.

As ust asked, how small is the smaller room - seeing it's got an en suite? Is it in reality the size of the bed that's the issue?

I’m surprised how few people are mentioning the en-suite. I’d argue that the smaller room with en-suite is the better deal! If she has a tendency to be messy and will be staying at home for longer, surely that en suite is even more important. Is there any way of making her room more desirable? A way to fit a double bed in? Or another space (conservatory, attached garage, or similar?) that could be turned into a social space for DD2 so that the smaller bedroom is literally just a place to sleep?

It’s not your daughters who are being unreasonable, it’s you for letting your DD2 continue in a small room with hardly any space whilst a perfectly good room goes empty. My brother was in a box room whilst I had a big room - pretty much as soon as I went to uni we swapped.

My eldest (DS) had the largest room - when he moved to a shared house for uni, the youngest with the smallest room moved into his - she had 4 more years at home. No drama

so they both shared the big room and eldest had the smallest? At what point when the eldest left did the small room get moved into?

Keeping it empty for a while is the worst of all of the plans. No loved and supported student is going to think that their family doesn’t want them to come home again because their sister now has the biggest bedroom. The bedroom switch would have to be accompanied by other words or actions for that to happen.

I think keeping a big bedroom empty for half of the year is unkind to the younger sibling. She matters too.

I have two daughters with a similar age gap, one at university and the other doing her A levels. We didn’t swap the rooms as my youngest dd has always had the bigger room as my oldest likes her space and that way they could play in the bigger bedroom and dd1 could then withdraw to her own room when she needed to. It’s been a big shift in the dynamics of our family, having one person away for a lot of the time and my youngest has missed her sister a lot and it feels like a long time since she actually lived here. A lot of her stuff is at university, most of her clothes, books, bedding etc. I would feel awful I’d my youngest dd was in a smaller space whilst the big room was almost empty.

I would swap them after any exams that are happening in the summer.