Which of my daughters is being unreasonable?

[JMSA]

Daughter 1 - she is 18 and likely going to university later this year. Will live away from home. Has a huge bedroom with a king size bed that will - if she gets her way - remain empty until she returns home.

Daughter 2 - has a very small bedroom but with its own en-suite, which was the plus side to the smaller bedroom. Has a single bed but would love more space. Wants to move into daughter 1’s room when she moves out. I think this is a bit harsh, especially if for any reason uni doesn’t work out and she moves back home.

In my opinion, a good compromise is that Daughter 1’s bedroom remains empty for the first year. But after that she moves into the small bedroom so that her sister, who lives here all year round, can have the big bedroom.

Both girls shared for YEARS until their older sister moved out. So it follows that they’re rather protective of their own space, especially Daughter 2 who loves her bedroom and bed.
Daughter 2 is messy and not the most hygienic, so I don’t think her moving into her sister’s bedroom during term-time (and back again for the holidays) is feasible. The crossover would cause arguments, so it has to be one or the other.

What are your thoughts? Thanks

This.

Of course they should swap bedrooms. Keeping a huge bedroom just empty for most of the year would be ridiculous!

I’d move D1 into the smaller room. But I would explain that it’s a swap as D2 has had the small room for so long and I would give the smaller room a glow up, redecorate, new bedding etc.

The smaller room should become the guest room/DD1s bedroom. She will likely appreciate the en-suite after living away from home.

DD2 should be allowed the bigger room.

I'd keep things as they are initially, if all goes ok with DD1 then I'd think about swapping after a few terms with the proviso she keeps it tidy & clean.

I would put DD1 in the smaller room. My daughter went to uni last year and she knew she would lose her big room straightaway. She lives half at home still because she can't bear the separation, her uni is local. When she's at home she shares with her 8 year old sister! No regrets. Big bedrooms with double beds are a luxury. Young people need a little shove towards independence, whilst always knowing they have somewhere to go if they need it. They don't need a big room and double bed.

Interestingly, I'm the youngest of 2, with my sibling having a much bigger room than me. Never swapped when they went to university! Don't think there was ever a conversation about it.
Even when they had moved out I still kept my room......

Mine kept the biggest room until after they finished uni and started working away by which time the youngest was away at uni. That said, there wasn’t a massive discrepancy in the room sizes. My DC are different sexes so a complete redecoration and new furnishings were also required.

Even when away at uni they have very long holidays, mostly spent at home, and weekends back home visiting.

Out of curiosity, if you swap the rooms around will the youngest still expect to have the en suite at her disposal with all her toiletries in there?

In our house rooms are rooms and should be best used by those who live here. No way would I have anyone squashed into a small bedroom while a much larger one was empty most of the time.
Same situation in our house, we gave small budget to both to make the new space theirs and that was it.

Your oldest is moving on, she will be a bit nervous and want reassurance so the talk of university not working out is negative and defeatist. Reassure her that you will miss her but she will be having a wonderful time, and meanwhile the rest of your family will be living their best lives, not dictated to by someone who’s not even there. Particularly if you are helping to fund the university accommodation that will be their own space at least 40 weeks of the year.

Will DD1's bed fit comfortably in the smaller bedroom? It seems awfully mean to make her give it up, especially as you mention that it's important to her. Also, you say that the two girls decided together who gets which room - are you sure DD2 really wants to switch, understanding she'll lose the exclusive use of the ensuite? I'd be prepared with a backup plan for whichever room ends up going to DD1 - say it will be used as a home office/guest room and vacated when DD1 is home. Otherwise yes, you run the risk of DD2 spreading her mess to both rooms and the ensuite. Finally, if you don't trust DD2 to stick to a condition of keeping the new room clean if she takes it, I'd make the move conditional on her keeping the old room and ensuite satisfactorily neat and clean for three months before moving.

OP, I think it is very fair to ask DD2 to show you how she can keep her bedroom better.

My daughter moved into the largest bedroom from the smallest one, both could take a double bed.

When she was in the smaller bedroom she kept it relatively ok but has gone to the dogs since having the much larger one.
I have told her I am swapping her back in the summer if she doesn't cop herself on.

So my advice is tell her she needs to buck up.
If she doesn't then she didn't want it.
I also would tell her that it will be a trial swap.

If she's going nowhere then you will likely have her big smelly mess for much longer.

Thankfully no smelly mess here, just clothes/ makeup messy.

How big is your room?

I'd move into daughter 1's bedroom now she's off to uni and put daughter 2 into my bedroom and daughter one if she had to come back as a guest can have daughter 2's old bedroom.

Your daughter will need somewhere to come back during the holidays and summer/half terms. Keep her room. She’s got enough tho go through. Also your youngest won’t respect the space

I wouldn’t do the room switch until after at least one full year at uni. If she completes one full year and is settled and happy, and particularly if she then moves into a shared house or something, at that point she is likely to feel much more like she’s “properly” moved out / moved on, and is more likely to have plans over uni holidays and things. Whereas the first year she will likely come home more if she’s an anxious soul. I think it would be a really bad idea to switch her room immediately and probably cause her even more stress.

It might be a different analysis if DD2 had an objectively bad room, but she literally has her own en suite!

If she’s an anxious soul you can still reassure her that she’ll always have a room at your house waiting for her. It just doesn’t have to be the big room - it’s right that your younger daughter should be able to have it rather than it sitting empty for large chunks of the year.

Your 1 year compromise is quite good, with firm strictures for both. Important thing is to make both feel wanted and valued. I'd get them involved in thrashing out a compromise ideally, but make them aware of my bottom lines. And think about timing, don't make everything change just before anxious daughter goes, or straight after.

I would not do the swap straightaway.

Leaving home and settling into Uni is a big deal and at the same time I would not also be taking her safe space at home away-going to Uni is not moving out.

I would leave it until at least after Christmas. Let her have time to settle.

And maybe use that time to encourage DD2 to look after her things better and show she can keep things clean and nice and use the swap as a carrot?

But no, I wouldn't take DD1 room from her straightaway!

edited to say I forgot to add that I agree with PP's-I'd let her have her first year done and dusted and then re-visit the swap

Also, good points from PP about getting DD2 to prove she can be a bit neater and cleaner before actually moving forward with the room switch (at some point). I’m ND and went through periods of utter bedroom messiness and disaster as a teen so I know it can be really hard! But I did eventually figure out how to keep a space nicely.

I'd definitely wait until DD1 has gome back to uni for the second term. My DD had given no cause for concern during get first term and through the Christmas holiday. Until it was the night before we were due to take her back to uni when she fell apart and said she didn't want to go.
Get DD1 settled and d then swap.

Bigger bedrooms should always go to the ones actually living there full time unless other needs dictate need since they will actually be using it.

Imagine being told you cannot use an empty room of your house incase someone else might want to use it one day so it must just sit, when you don’t have spare Empty equal rooms.

It’s not like you’re taking away a bedroom at all from the older either. There will still be a bedroom for his holidays it just won’t be the biggest and she will have her own private bathroom.

We kept the eldest's bedroom as hers while at uni, as she came back for holidays and hadn't moved out out.

I don't think going to uni counts as having moved out.

Because most of her stuff was gone, youngest could spread out into her room and use it for gaming and whatever, but slept in his own.

It's only now she's moved out completely that we redecorated and he moved into it.

If she now had to move back home for whatever reason, she'd have to go into his old room.

Is your DD1 currently in the master bedroom? Where do you sleep? What's your room like? Take the best room in the house for yourself and let DD2 have first pick of what's left.

Daughter 2 gets room of her choice.

daughter 1 has gone to uni and doesn’t get to keep a shrine to herself back home

It’s not about a “shrine”, it’s about doing it in a gradual way that will enable DD1 to thrive at university without falling apart.

You don’t need the largest bedroom at home to do well at university. A different bedroom to sleep in will be somewhere to sleep when she comes home.

gosh a different house was purchased while I was away at uni and I managed to get a first, however did I cope with that