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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

492 replies

Plummutum · 31/03/2025 23:58

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 01/04/2025 08:17

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:23

Well, this visa situation is just a tiny drop in the ocean of our entire marriage, it’s not a reflection of his true nature - it’s just a tricky situation we’ve found ourselves in.

Show quote history

You haven’t randomly found yourself here by sheer chance. You’re here because of your dhs past and current behaviour, and he could change the current behaviour. I’d google can I get divorced if my husband is out of the country and send the answer to him, because if he got deported for being an idiot then it’s all over isn’t it?

Avatartar · 01/04/2025 08:17

Sorry OP you’re bing the idiot in this, let him go/ be kicked out for not having a Visa, he’s orchestrated this

kweenkweenie · 01/04/2025 08:19

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:05

Well, I understand, but what am I supposed to do? Just abandon him and let his visa expire? It’s tough because I know he’s in the wrong

Show quote history

Yes. He sounds like an idiot. So do you for involving your own mum, when he hasn’t paid her back earlier.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 01/04/2025 08:19

Jesus this thread is annoying.

He’s a selfish cunt OP. I too think you’re being supremely naive, unfortunately

Theredjellybean · 01/04/2025 08:24

He hasn't done his best .. he's done sweet FA.
He has not saved or worked for the money HE knew He would need.
He won't ask your DM
He isn't bothered or stressed about the fact he's going to be deported, leaving his wife to cope with their young children alone.
He is bothered that he won't see his children.

Honestly OP....I am raging ...grow a bloody backbone...tell him you've done your best and it's up to him to sort it out. Why are you solely responsible for sorting this out for him...he's an adult.

I think he believes you will all roll over and hand over the money because he's THE MAN...and he's the most important.

I really do not understand why you're not furious with him.

kweenkweenie · 01/04/2025 08:27

Isthiswhatmenthink · 01/04/2025 08:19

Jesus this thread is annoying.

He’s a selfish cunt OP. I too think you’re being supremely naive, unfortunately

I think all the crying emojis proves that.

BlondeMummyto1 · 01/04/2025 08:27

If he would rather be an overstayer then so be it.

Your mum shouldn’t have to bail you out. You’ve known it was coming.

BlondeMummyto1 · 01/04/2025 08:29

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:05

Well, I understand, but what am I supposed to do? Just abandon him and let his visa expire? It’s tough because I know he’s in the wrong

Show quote history

That’s exactly what you should do. What would you do without your mums help?

Annettecurtaintwitcher · 01/04/2025 08:30

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:11

Yes thanks, I agree my mum is wonderful, she’s putting up with so much rubbish from him half the time sighs

Show quote history

Why are you with him? He sounds like a twat.

WaryCrow · 01/04/2025 08:31

You sound slightly out of it op. I’d say visa expiry is a major problem. Either he sorts it or your life together here is over. Make damn sure you protect the kids.

BleachedJumper · 01/04/2025 08:32

Do you know if he comes from a country that follows The Hague convention?

If you don’t, make it a priority to find out.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 01/04/2025 08:34

Apologies if this is an obvious thing, but what happens when a person overstays? (Forgive me but I don't live in the UK) I presume they can no longer get employed or claim any benefits. Does it automatically send off some sort of alert to authorities and the person immediately gets deported or do they just stay unofficially and get away with it. Does your DH truly understand the system and consequences?

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 01/04/2025 08:40

The more you post about him, the worse he sounds.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 01/04/2025 08:51

Dear God wake up and take those rose tinted specs off. Stop making excuses for this grown man who has not prioritised his children at all let alone you.

Any decent man would've moved Helen and I Water to make sure he could stay here for his children yours won't even respectfully ask your mum to lend him even more money and expects you to do it for him.

Stop saying it's complicated and making excuses for him. He's just wasting the oxygen he's using.

Stravaig · 01/04/2025 08:53

Well OP, it looks like you're going to have the taxpayers foot the bill for removing the useless arse you chose to marry and have kids with. As if we didn't have enough to deal with. FFS.

Grow up, both of you, and take responsibility for your own poor choices.

Nousernamesleftatall · 01/04/2025 08:56

Does he work?

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 08:56

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 01/04/2025 06:25

@Notsosure1 posted: Why do you love him? How did you meet? When did he propose? How long before kids?

I think many of us would like to know the answer to these questions.

We understand each other and have built a happy home, we met at uni, he proposed about 1.5 years into the relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 08:58

Theredjellybean · 01/04/2025 08:24

He hasn't done his best .. he's done sweet FA.
He has not saved or worked for the money HE knew He would need.
He won't ask your DM
He isn't bothered or stressed about the fact he's going to be deported, leaving his wife to cope with their young children alone.
He is bothered that he won't see his children.

Honestly OP....I am raging ...grow a bloody backbone...tell him you've done your best and it's up to him to sort it out. Why are you solely responsible for sorting this out for him...he's an adult.

I think he believes you will all roll over and hand over the money because he's THE MAN...and he's the most important.

I really do not understand why you're not furious with him.

I am furious. It’s caused a bit of an argument this morning because I still haven’t applied. I’ve also done my best too

OP posts:
Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 08:58

Nousernamesleftatall · 01/04/2025 08:56

Does he work?

Yes

OP posts:
TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 08:58

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:05

Well, I understand, but what am I supposed to do? Just abandon him and let his visa expire? It’s tough because I know he’s in the wrong

Show quote history

No. He's a grown man. He has allowed this to happen to you, not the other way around. Stop featherbedding his way through life OP.

Doolallies · 01/04/2025 09:00

Let his visa expire and he goes home. Should have saved the money himself CF

GRex · 01/04/2025 09:00

He's not even trying to stay, so it's clear that he wants to leave. Open your eyes here, he has small children and thinks it's your job to sort funding for HIS visa, never mind paying his share for the kids he's sucking the pot dry on his own costs. He sounds like a weight around your neck OP, life will be easier without him. Sink some of the visa money into a ticket home, put the rest in the bank for bills and drop him off at the airport tomorrow. You'll just have to arrange holidays with the kids going forward, it's a shame for them but maybe he'll muster up the enthusiasm to be with them if it's just a week or so each year.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:01

moveoveralice · 01/04/2025 07:17

Quite agree. Op sounds immature and lacking in understanding of the realities of her situation.

I am curious where this prince among men hails from. He sounds like an entitled, lazy prick who needs a kick up the backside, not bailing out again!

It is coming across like he doesn't actually care and would like to be deported, or that his MIL should happily pay for his responsibilities and be thankful to him for it. Misogyny lies at the heart of this, not pride. OP seems too daft to see it though.

Show quote history

I’m not daft. But I understand as an outsider it’s easier to make these type of comments.

OP posts:
Daisyvodka · 01/04/2025 09:02

Okay to put this into perspective OP:

A good, kind, caring, wonderful man would:

  • Make an effort with his wife's family, even if he was not keen on them, as he wouldn't want them to think he was not a good match for their daughter
  • Be doing everything in his power to stay in the country as he would not want to be apart from his wife and family and would also not want to risk his wife having to care for his children alone for potentially a long period of time if he got kicked out of the country
  • Would pay back any money he owed to his wife's family immediately as he wouldn't want the family member to be out of pocket, and wouldn't want them to think less of him by him messing around on repayments
  • Would be incredibly grateful that they had even offered him the money given his past repayment issues
Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:03

GRex · 01/04/2025 09:00

He's not even trying to stay, so it's clear that he wants to leave. Open your eyes here, he has small children and thinks it's your job to sort funding for HIS visa, never mind paying his share for the kids he's sucking the pot dry on his own costs. He sounds like a weight around your neck OP, life will be easier without him. Sink some of the visa money into a ticket home, put the rest in the bank for bills and drop him off at the airport tomorrow. You'll just have to arrange holidays with the kids going forward, it's a shame for them but maybe he'll muster up the enthusiasm to be with them if it's just a week or so each year.

Edited

I have thought of this, but it would be a struggle being on my own. I don’t drive (yet), it’s a dual income household so my salary alone wouldn’t cover all the bills (our rent would eat up most of my salary alone), one of our kids is primary school age so pick up/drop offs with my own work would be tough etc

OP posts: