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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

492 replies

Plummutum · 31/03/2025 23:58

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

OP posts:
TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 09:04

OP please, whatever you do, please take your children's passports to a safe place where he can't get them.
Please.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 01/04/2025 09:05

OP this isn’t just about him being an overstayer. If his visa expires then he is required by law to leave the country immediately. that means he absolutely has to leave tomorrow, no if’s, no buts. Overstaying your visa is a criminal offence.

And I would seek some legal advice as to whether you could also be prosecuted for harbouring an illegal imigrant.

Stop being so passive about this and kick the fucker out. He’s not listening to your reasoning, and unless you potentially also want to go to prison and risk losing your children you will distance yourself from him.

Daisyvodka · 01/04/2025 09:05

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:03

I have thought of this, but it would be a struggle being on my own. I don’t drive (yet), it’s a dual income household so my salary alone wouldn’t cover all the bills (our rent would eat up most of my salary alone), one of our kids is primary school age so pick up/drop offs with my own work would be tough etc

Edited
Show quote history

And your husband knows this and would let this happen to you rather than just take the money? Are these the actions of a man who cares about his wife and children?

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:08

Daisyvodka · 01/04/2025 09:05

And your husband knows this and would let this happen to you rather than just take the money? Are these the actions of a man who cares about his wife and children?

Show quote history

I know it’s not, I’m very hurt. This is making me have a long and hard think about our future. Of course I care about him, you can’t just switch that off like a tap, but I am realising that sometimes you have to see things for what they really are.

OP posts:
Theredjellybean · 01/04/2025 09:09

You say he's angry because YOU haven't applied yet ...what in sweet jesus 😭.
You shouldn't be applying.. It's not your visa .. wake up....it's his visa, his responsibility.

EdithBond · 01/04/2025 09:09

Your mum is being more than reasonable, given the way your DH has behaved towards her.

Your DH is being very unreasonable. What’s his suggested solution to sort his visa?

I agree with others that I’d put the kids’ passports somewhere out of your home, where your DH can’t get at them. Purely as a precaution. Why would he want them anyway, without discussing with you? If he asks for them, you’ll be entitled to ask why.

I’d also seek advice on whether there are any legal implications for you cohabiting or being financially/legally entwined with someone you know is an overstayer.

Your priority should be protecting yourself and your DC should your DH choose to leave the country or overstay. That’s not being overly anxious, stressed or paranoid. It’s being sensible.

Limer · 01/04/2025 09:09

OP, you need to question what your husband's endgame is here.

He either wants to go back to his country leaving you & the children here, or he wants to do that but then move the children (& maybe you too) to his country at a later date.

Ask him what his actual plans are for when his visa's expired.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’m here asking for genuine advice about a serious situation and you want to report the thread? Why?

OP posts:
Dragonsandcats · 01/04/2025 09:12

I’d show him some of the comments on this post. Although sounds like someone who would never accept they could be wrong…

godmum56 · 01/04/2025 09:13

are there children?

thinktwice36 · 01/04/2025 09:13

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 08:58

I am furious. It’s caused a bit of an argument this morning because I still haven’t applied. I’ve also done my best too

Show quote history

what are you supposed to apply for? HIS visa extension? Let me get this straight...

  1. He hasn't been arsed to sort this out in years
  2. He hasn't been arsed to save money to do it
  3. He has already mugged your mum off with money loans in the past
  4. He isn't prepared to ask her himself in order that she can make a verbal contract vis a vis repayment
  5. This is somehow your fault

What a prince.

Dragonsandcats · 01/04/2025 09:13

Hide the passports first though in case he sees those ones.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 09:13

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:11

I’m here asking for genuine advice about a serious situation and you want to report the thread? Why?

Show quote history

Because of your responses. They are not realistic in relation to your alleged plight. They come across as sarcastic.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:15

ChristmasFluff · 01/04/2025 08:11

You and your mother have already provided him with a solution he is not willing to take. It's now his problem to sort out.

I wouldn't give it one more moment of thought. His actions have consequences for him, and yes, they will affect you (I also strongly suggest hiding your children's passports, as per previous posters), but that's HIS choice (which shows how much thought he gives to you and his children) and there's no reason for you to involve yourself in this further.

Sometimes life does us huge favours disguised as misfortune.

I know. I’m not gonna stress myself about it any longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:15

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 09:13

Because of your responses. They are not realistic in relation to your alleged plight. They come across as sarcastic.

Show quote history

Okay, well you can think what you like

OP posts:
TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 09:16

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 09:13

Because of your responses. They are not realistic in relation to your alleged plight. They come across as sarcastic.

Show quote history

They don't come across as even remotely sarcastic. Just naive. But hopefully it looks like the OP might be waking up.

BigBurrata · 01/04/2025 09:16

I don’t know all the history obviously, but I think if I were your mum I might consider giving him one last chance - as a compromise, lend him the money without him asking directly, but getting him to sign some kind of a repayment schedule.

Digdongdoo · 01/04/2025 09:17

You really need to pin him down. What are his intentions? Is he going to pay for this visa urgently, or he saying the marriage is over? If he really can't suck it up and play nice with your mum, can he get a bank loan or something instead? Even a payday loan or something if desperate - you can deal with those consequences and build bridges with your mum later. You can't if he's not around. All depends if you think he's worth it, is it a blip or he is done? How many visas has he got left?
I think I have more sympathy than many here. DH recently got ILR, so I understand the stress this process can put people under. It's far more intrusive and expensive than people think.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 01/04/2025 09:18

He could have used that pride of his to go take an extra job or work overtime to pay for his visa but no, he decides to leave it for you to deal with and doesn't have the respect to speak to your mum directly about it.

soarklyknobs · 01/04/2025 09:18

Tell him the offer of a loan from your mum is no longer on the table and he needs to finance the visa himself or leave the country.

That’s the two option he’s left himself with now, so does he still have his pride? And what will he do now to resolve the issue?

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:18

BigBurrata · 01/04/2025 09:16

I don’t know all the history obviously, but I think if I were your mum I might consider giving him one last chance - as a compromise, lend him the money without him asking directly, but getting him to sign some kind of a repayment schedule.

I suggested this to her, like drafting up a proper legally enforceable document. Either way, even if he doesn’t ask her directly, he’s legally bound to pay her back - I feel like this would be a good last resort.

OP posts:
Theredjellybean · 01/04/2025 09:19

Fgs do not get a payday loan
That's a terrible terrible idea.
You'll be left in debt forever and I guarantee that will become your problem not his

Limer · 01/04/2025 09:20

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:18

I suggested this to her, like drafting up a proper legally enforceable document. Either way, even if he doesn’t ask her directly, he’s legally bound to pay her back - I feel like this would be a good last resort.

Show quote history

Don't waste your time. He wouldn't sign it.

TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 09:20

BigBurrata · 01/04/2025 09:16

I don’t know all the history obviously, but I think if I were your mum I might consider giving him one last chance - as a compromise, lend him the money without him asking directly, but getting him to sign some kind of a repayment schedule.

No way, fuck that! OP says here husband doesn't even want to spend time with them and leaves the room when they come around.

Added to the fact he refuses to pay her back, and thinks he shouldn't have to ask. He's had far too many chances as it is! I think the OP's mum might see this as a chance to get rid of him, get him out of her daughter's life and save her daughter. That's what I'd do if I were OP's mum. In fact I would say no to a loan even if he asked and signed a legal contract witnessed by a judge! Because I'd want him out of my daughter's life.

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