Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

Given the stress you are under, i think your mum is being unreasonable too. She could say no to the loan, fair enough, and asking for a written agreement, fair enough, but insisting he asks in person seems an act of manipulation. She knows he won't ask and she is playing a game. I agree with all the PPs about how ridiculous your DH is being but I think given the urgency and desperation of the situation, DM could stop trying to make her point too.

Quite agree. Op sounds immature and lacking in understanding of the realities of her situation.

I am curious where this prince among men hails from. He sounds like an entitled, lazy prick who needs a kick up the backside, not bailing out again!

It is coming across like he doesn't actually care and would like to be deported, or that his MIL should happily pay for his responsibilities and be thankful to him for it. Misogyny lies at the heart of this, not pride. OP seems too daft to see it though.

Your DH is taking advantage of you and your family and your mum wants him to look her in the eye while he does it. He’s clearly a complete coward.

Question OP: is his application even ready to go? It’s hardly a passport application; it involves proof of post, financials, lots of information. Someone who’s left it to the final moment to find the money doesn’t strike me as the type who has everything good to go paperwork-wise.

He sounds like a real winner.

What positives does he bring to your life?

Would you want to constantly dish out your money to someone that won’t even speak to you?

No, I didn’t think so.

It sounds to me like the mother is sick of being disrespected and ignored, but is also expected to be on standby to hand out her money to a man that blatantly disrespects her.

You have extremely low standards if you operate like this in real life.

I suggest giving him the space to figure it out - be open to the thought that it could go either way - the choice is his...

Agree 100%. The immaturity is breathtaking and I would never take protecting my child so lightly. Though I highly doubt i would have given this hero the time of day - never mind marry him. Other posters keep telling her and she just keeps defending him.

Clearly the idiot doesn’t care whether he stays or not. I guess though, with his track record of dishonesty, that he would probably just happily remain here on an expired visa, and then place the blame at your mums door when he’s found out, and deported.

The situation is desperate through his own actions and no blame should be placed on the OPs Mum.

This isn't a joke, OP - it happens. There is no-one so devious as a man with a plan..... Be careful that you're not caught out.

Yes and yes.

@moveoveralice there's no need to be so judgemental. People deal with things and express themselves in different ways and OP has already flagged that she's more worried and less flippant than she sounds. Why waste your time with a reply that's more about making yourself feel big than helping someone else? Why not just go achieve something to actually be proud of for your ego boost?

Has he previously asked you to move to his country? It does sound to me that he's manipulating the situation to force that on you. And from his behaviour (clearly no respect for women) I suspect it's a country where you would have few rights. You would also be cut off from the protection of your family.

You must hide your children's passports outside the house, and warn their school not to let him take them. Today. Tell them the situation, and that you're just being cautious. He might have planned it (if you can't find the DC's passports, call the police. But he could also have applied for passports for the DC from his own country without you knowing). Or he might just panic and do it impulsively. Don't feel that you are creating a drama: the risk is real, and if you don't act it will be too late. The school will have had similar before.

I fly with my DC without my DH all the time: border control ask a couple of questions if the kids are very young but nothing he couldn't prime them for. It's the Easter holidays, which means that a holiday with only one parent visiting grandparents won't raise red flags.

After he has been deported, you should never, ever take your children on holiday/to visit in his country. Even though that means he will have no relationship with them by the time he is able to re-enter the UK.

Otherwise you run a very real risk of losing your children or being trapped there - with no rights or protection - yourself.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP. You need to immediately swing into damage limitation mode, to protect yourself and your children.

I don't. Given he won't talk to her, he never pays her back and given he is so rude he leaves the room when she comes around to visit, the bare minimum she deserves is for him to have to basic human decency to ask her himself. That is rock bottom bare minimum. But I think her mum has the measure of her 'D'H and is most likely hoping it won't be renewed, to save her daughter.

Pride cometh before a fall. His choice 🤷‍♀️
Ive lent my lovely sil money but there is always a formal agreement.

About the response from OP about passports; I think this says more about her not having emotional support than anything else. OP I think you are really used to minimising problems and your feelings because your husband refuses to share and deal with his.

OP…you need to swap out the word ‘pride’ and replace it with ‘toxic male arrogance’. This is what it is. A proud person pays his debts and will always want to be seen in ‘his best light’. Your DH, on the other hand, is displaying toxic masculinity…this is not a desirable trait.

Quite frankly I feel sorry for your mother and especially for your poor children caught up in the middle of all of this op.

Your mother is probably ripping her hair out.

You seem to be completely clueless as to what you have got into with this free loader, you have had children with a man that is so useless he can’t even save enough money to pay for his own visa much less support young children properly.

You haven’t even understood the gravity of your situation and the possibility of losing your children, nor understood the fact he is trying to financially abuse and disrespect your own family. You call it ‘tricky’ but this is an enormous problem you have got yourself into.

For gods sake, wake up and grow up.

You have young children you can not afford to be this naive and ignorant. Your dh is willfully causing you and your family great harm, he does not care about you or them. You are vulnerable to a really bad outcome, and it will be even worse for your children.

Put a stop to all of this before it is too late.

You need to ask your husband the answer to that, as he is the.only person who knows the answer.

Why not just go achieve something to actually be proud of for your ego boost?

Gosh what a task I have before me. Shall put it at the top of my to do list.

One day OP will wake up and see this freeloader for what he is - entitled, arrogant and ignorant - but she's obviously not there yet. If he's such a "proud" man, his pride would have insisted he paid his MIL back previously, but no, not that proud is he? His pride would make him draw up a repayment agreement and insist on keeping to it. His ego is driving his appalling behaviour, not pride.

Depressingly, he knows MIL's love for her daughter and grandchildren mean she will eventually crumble and hand over the 2.5k, and everyone knows he'll never pay it back. I so hope she stands her ground for all their sakes, and this bum gets deported.

OP how can you respect a man like this. How can you accept how rude (and blatantly misogynistic) he is? Does he even work? He said he's done "all he can" to resolve this - does this involve more effort than asking you to ask your mum? I think we all know the answer.

Your poor mum. She must be so worried about you OP. I have adult daughters and I'd be desperately sad and worried if either of them were involved with such a specimen.

You and your mother have already provided him with a solution he is not willing to take. It's now his problem to sort out.

I wouldn't give it one more moment of thought. His actions have consequences for him, and yes, they will affect you (I also strongly suggest hiding your children's passports, as per previous posters), but that's HIS choice (which shows how much thought he gives to you and his children) and there's no reason for you to involve yourself in this further.

Sometimes life does us huge favours disguised as misfortune.

For £2.5k, can’t he get a bank loan, or put it on a credit card or something?

I'm not sure that it is misplaced pride here, although that is the most charitable explanation.

I suspect that he doesn't want to have to pay the money back. And thinks that if he doesn't talk to your mum or sign anything then it isn't his responsibility. And that either you'll pay it back or she'll treat it as a gift eventually. But that if he shakes her hand and signs the agreement he'll be obliged to.