Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

What country is your NVDH from? What kind of job does he have, and who is the higher earner? Why can't his family help him?

Also, if you do not hide your children's passports, and he were to take them, to coerce you and your mother into paying whatever he wants, don't act all surprised and devastated, because many people have told you it can and does happen. He doesn't NEED to be separated from you or have your authority, since they rarely ask. FFS--at the least, wise up a bit!

I also think your children will suffer a lot more with your NVDH around because they will learn HIS habits, act like him, believe like him and think it's okay to treat women like crap.

Let me guess. From a culture that doesn't respect women?

@Notsosure1 posted: Why do you love him? How did you meet? When did he propose? How long before kids?

I think many of us would like to know the answer to these questions.

So he can't be bothered to scrape up a couple of grand to make sure he stays with you and your kids. As someone who has had to pay a lot more than that in visa fees, I would suggest his lack of urgency shows he doesn't give a shit about you, and is probably looking for a way out. If you want to stay in a country where you need a visa, its extremely foolish to fuck around like this. He should be doing whatever your mum asks to get the money (could you both not have saved it? That's what we did). But seriously, this is no way to live.

Yes, please hide the children's passports in a place he won't ever look. Preferably leave them with a trusted friend (just until he has left the country) would be safer. PLEASE, PLEASE at least have the sense to do this. Otherwise he will take them with him, and he can do that legally, and something tells me he will. Then if the country isn't part of the Hague Convention, you will never get your children back. No matter how much disrespect you're willing to tolerate from that pos to yourself and to your mum and sister/family, at least PLEASE hide your children's passports. Please.

He sounds like a right twat. What country is he from? Does he have an issue with women, does he feel they're beneath him?

Why do you justify his behaviour? He is willing to leave his family behind because he won’t ask your mum to borrow the money or agree to pay it back? He is rude- leaving the room when your family arrive and refusing to engage. I think he’s looking for an out, definitely hide your kids passports in case.

The stubbornness. And the rudeness. And the “pride”. And the forgetfulness. And the lack of organisation...

This isn’t a situation you have to”found yourself in”. It’s entirely predictable.

The reality is that your husband is saying one thing and doing another. In your opinion it might not make any sense that he is thinking of leaving you with or without the children, but the reality is that he is refusing to get his visa.
It may be puzzling for you but its easier for us to see.
Also you asked him if he was stressed and he said no. So clearly you two are not on the same page, hard though that is for you. We don't know him but we can see what he is doing.

Not sure it is a laughing matter.

Whatever you say he does not love you or respect you. He must have known this was coming so he should have been prepared for it and made plans to pay this money. He should not be in the position of having to borrow it. Please listen to what has bern said here. Your mum is doing the right thing by making him accountable and not just giving money.

I had assumed reading your posts that you don’t have children, please can you confirm if you have children?

And if you do, you must immediately take their passports and birth certificates in a locked case to your mums house and hide it somewhere no one would know where to look. After you have done this, you must ensure you know exactly where they are - and inform the school if they are old enough that you have concerns - tell them in confidence the full situation.

Do not under any circumstances trust that your dh will do the right thing - we have seen so many times on MN over the years that these situations can deteriorate so quickly and so unexpectedly.

If you don’t have dc, then double up on your contraception and never have children with a man that is so deeply irresponsible.

Your mother is a saint. A pure saint to continue to try to support you. I have adult DDs and I would be saying exactly the same. He is being utterly disrespectful towards her and your sisters by snubbing them. He knows exactly what he is doing.

This is not stubbornness op, it is power play. He is trying to enforce his authority over all of you by refusing to engage with your mother, whilst also taking her money.

Whst kind of man does that? And why are you letting him financially abuse your poor mum?

Refuse to help him. If he can’t even have an adult conversation, and sort out his own visa then what chance do you stand in the next 20 years of having a happy marriage op?

He hasn't even tried has he? This is along reply so bear with me.

He's not stressed because he doesn't need to be when you're around! He thinks this problem will be solved, but not by him. You just need to ask your mum again and again until she folds. He's putting all the pressure on you to resolve the money problem. Unfortunately for him, your mum wants the best for you and sees this so has basically said 'no, if he wants my money he can acknowledge me by speaking to me first and only then he has to agree to pay it back or I will never see the money again'.
It's not difficult for anyone to establish that if your mum thinks this, she has seen more than enough to question his reliability and respect for her daughter (and her daughter's family). So when the deadline passes and he hasn't got the money from your mum because he refused to talk to her about it( read that again, just refused to talk to her) then you become the bad guy. It's your fault.
So then what? Well you will be the villain at home. I couldn't live like that, home should be your home, not a place you eat and sleep in.

You have choices still and so does he, but his choices will become extremely limited when the deadline passes. You can choose to support him and try to get the money another way or deal with what happens when it isn't paid, as a couple. Wider family relationships will continue to be strained but your family love you and will want to see you still despite your husband ignoring them. You'll have to continue to make excuses for his rude behaviour to everyone else outside the marriage but you will see your mum.
The stress you feel now at home and work will get worse because the serious consequences of not paying on time will continue to weigh heavily on you while he plays games ( in other words while he says he is not stresses for example) and the uncertainly of the future will grow. Your work will suffer and as the stress builds that will undoubtedly affect your physical and mental health, your work, your relationships, your children and your life. His attitude and treatment towards you will add more stress. This will confuse and isolate you and therefore you will have nobody to really talk to outside of family-or is that where you find yourself already?

Ask yourself where YOU are, not anybody else. You're in the middle of a mess you didn't create. What do you need? A hell of a lot more support, understanding teamwork, stability, reliability, respect, emotional maturity and all the other things you need but don't have from your husband would be a start wouldn't it?

Passports are mentioned because as long as he is on the birth certificate he has rights and sadly, some people have found themselves in a living nightmare when partners or ex partners have taken their children back to their country for a supposed holiday and just never returned. It happens. That's why people are saying hide passports if the children have one. Nobody is saying he will do this, but he could if he wanted to just leave.

Ok back to you -what do you think you need? Make a list of practical needs and whatever is lacking emotionally for you. What of all those practical things do you get from him? Can you get it from yourself? How? If not, how can you adapt?

From now on consider telling him facts, not asking him things. Asking him questions can stop-they are a waste of your precious energy.

He has to deal with this.

I think you are both downplaying or misunderstanding the consequences of being an overstayer.

He needs to understand that if he overstays and is deported, he won't be able to return to the UK even as a visitor/tourist for at least ten years.

Then after that he will have to apply for a visa again and it will be not guaranteed, there will be hurdles.

Does he want you and the kids to move to his home country and he is trying to do it by stealth?

@Laststraw25 - she specifically said that they have young children.

Well, if he hasn't had the sense to save the money required and he will not accept a loan, then tough on him.
Do you want to be with such a person? He's put your marriage on the line by allowing himself to be on the brink of exportation, now he's put you in an invidious position.

Arrogance

Yes. He is a grownup. If he chooses to be pigheaded and irresponsible then he needs to take thr consequences of that. Including getting deported if he isn't sufficiently capable of complying with the laws that would allow him to stay if he wasn't such a twat.

Of course he has the authority he’s their father.

...it's just a tricky situation we've found ourselves in..

Hmmm..
He's borrowed money from your mum before. He's reneged on repayments. He's allowed himself to ignore legal requirements for staying in a country, now he doesn't have the wherewithal to ensure he can stay, and is too stubborn to accept help because your mother has very sensible put parameters in place to make sure her SiL doesn't rip her off again, but you think 'we've' caused this!!
Good grief.

He either needs to.ask or book plane tickets

Why do you think it’s so funny that he could take the children with him? Are you not bothered if they go?

I am amazed your mother has agreed to lend this Wankbadger any more money. I wouldn’t.

So does this mean he loses his job? Will there be a cost to his deportation that might be dumped on you?

He doesn’t want to be with you OP. He says he’s done what he can but he hasn’t. He knows the score and that if his visa expires he’ll have to leave. Tomorrow. I would check your finances and wouldn’t be surprised if he already has a plane ticket booked.

It doesn’t matter how much of a decent man he is. Plenty of decent people still want out of their relationships, and unfortunately many will go to underhanded tactics to do it.

You need to stop having difficult conversations with him and start getting mad. Lay it on the line, say to him that given he’s not prepared to do this you assume he wants a divorce so you might as well get the ball rolling.

If he’s genuinely not seeing it this will be the wake up call he needs. But I suspect divorce is what he wants.

If he doesn't have the honour or courage to manage this financial situation then he has nothing to be proud of. His "pride" is misplaced.

What he is actually doing is being manipulative to try to engineer a situation where you are tying yourself in knots to ensure he has an easy life. Shame on him.

i find your DH’s attitude weird all round. He’s borrowed money off your mum and then failed to pay her back at the time agreed. He goes upstairs when your family come round and does not appear to make any effort with them. And now when your mum is kind enough to say she will provide the money that is needed, he doesn’t want to speak to her. Why does he hide upstairs when your family come round? These are the family of the woman he’s supposed to love and the extended family of his children. You say it’s pride but the expectation seems to be you will just sort things. I don’t think you should enable such behaviour from him. He needs to face up to things like a grown up and not hide behind you. It’s not fair of him to put you under this type of pressure and risk what you all have.