Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

Thank you for your comment. Well, after his storming out I actually felt relief as opposed to fear and a little part of me just felt a calmness. But he returned a hour or so later. Normally I would go downstairs and try and chat to him but I really couldn’t care less as I’ve done what I can. Then he sends me a text from his workplace saying that they need an update or he’ll be suspended with no pay. I didn’t respond. Then all of a sudden he comes upstairs and says he’s managed to raise the rest of the money to pay for the visa extension. I’m not making this up, for those that might make an unhelpful comment.

Thank you for this, I think most of the comments are very much “‘me against him” type of comments/comments about my naivety etc. I’m not oblivious to his appalling behaviours, I also took a stand and told him it’s up to him and now he started to feel the pressure and finally took some action

Well youll be in debt to your mother. Or don't you count her loan as important and a debt?

You are entering into debt by borrowing from your mother in the same way you would using credit cards or loans. She has to be paid.

Obviously you aren't treating her loan as a serious debt and won't pay her back with urgency.

This man is going to drag you down. Who has he borrowed from now? How much interest?

He still owes your mother money from unpaid loans, and you also have significant other debts?

Does he want to be deported and divorce you?

do not enable him in overstaying as you could get in trouble as well.

I just had a look online on citizens advice page and if he doesn’t put his application in then he could be deported and never allowed back.

it would cost him more for lawyers. Plus if he is working as well then it could be illegal and lose his job.

tell him to ask your mum politely or book a flight to his home country as you can’t risk getting in trouble and leaving your home with no parent if you have kids.

Considering how he treats her its amazing your mum is willing to support him in any way. Just seen some later posts, as well as being a rude inconsiderate son in law he's willing to risk his ability to stay in the same country as his kids for some very misplaced pride, wow that's just awful of him.

I'm actually more worried about where he got the money from and why in god's name is his work texting you for updates.

I’m extremely anti-debt. Most people use debt far too casually for things they don’t need. Debt only makes sense when it allows you to leverage your money to work for you or to invest in your own future.

HOWEVER

if it comes down to taking out a loan and paying high interest vs being separated from your children indefinitely, take out the damn loan.

Then once the immigration issues are sorted, get a second job and sort finances.

op updated while
i was typing so this isn’t super relevant anymore.

So reading between the lines your DH already had the money and hid that fact with the aim of getting money from your mother with no intention of repaying her again, with the added bonus of forcing you to ask her further straining family relationships and causing a lot of anxiety and stress for no good reason. Are you sure you don't just want to drop him to the nearest airport?

I wonder how he miraculously raised the money so quickly...

It sounds as though he does not want to stay and will be happy to use your mum as his excuse to leave.

So the best case scenario here is that he has been hiding money from you?

even if he stays, please do think about this relationship long term.

His workplace didn’t text me directly, they texted him and he forwarded it to me to look at

Well, I don’t think he’s been hiding it as he showed me who he asked. He’s been rallying around some friends to ask and one friend offered without him asking.

⬆️ this

1. he’s turning it in you/your mum being unreasonable and making you feel guilty. This is so that he can avoid accountability and responsibility. He is not a victim!
2. He’s heard WHAT from WHOM? Did this person just overhear your mum talking to someone about the facts of his behaviour - he stays upstairs and avoids your family? He makes it awkward for hour family to visit or have a close relationship with you. I’m sorry but this is a classic abuse tactic.
3. He has now managed to raise the funds. From where? Was he able to put his hands all along but creates this drama to cause a rift and test your/your mum’s boundaries?

Keep your eyes wide open.

I think he just totally freaked out during our argument this morning. He was trying to act like he didn’t care but I didn’t try to persist because I knew deep down he does care.

Yes I’m going to be alert from now on. But I think I can cut him some slack for trying at the last minute

It may not be straightforward BUT he has known from the moment the visa was granted thst it woukd have an end date and seems to have done nothing to prepare for that at all!

I think he wants to go "home", maybe he's not even admitting that to himself let alone to you, but his lack of action is speaking volumes

Is he from a male dominant country?

He is being pathetic.
And no, why should you be on his side when he is in the wrong?
You mum is not been unreasonable, husband is.

OK, let us assume he now gets his arse in gear and applies for the visa within the deadline.

Lets look at where does that leave you:

He borrowed from you DM before and has no intention of repaying her.

You and he have other debts - in whose name are these? Are they actually your debts or his?

And now he is borrowing from a friend - do you honestly think he will repay his friend, or will he just lose the friendship and trash his good name in that circle of people who know him?

Can you see that he is dragging you down. You need to make plans to extricate yourself from this financial mess.

Do you have your own current account as well as a joint account?
Do you keep track of what each of you contribute to the household and children, and what each of you has for 'personal' money? (The easiest way to do this is to have a joint account for house and children, into which you both pay an agreed amount, and each have personal current accounts for 'pocket money').

What are the plans for paying off the existing debts? Who is paying them? Were they for household and childcare costs, or personal debts?
Did he let you run up debts for essential household costs because he was not paying into the joint account enough from his wages?

As a married couple, your finances are legally linked, but you can still set some boundaries around his behaviour by using joint and personal accounts and insisting on a fair system for managing your finances.

So despite saying you don’t want more debt, you were not only prepared to be in debt to mother, you’re now in debt to some pal. Well, your DH had better repay this guy because he will run out of friends PDQ.
My son went through the visa thing. I helped with costs of bringing her over but they did the rest themselves.
You don’t have a husband. You have an albatross round your neck. I wish you well, but you have a hard road ahead if this thread is anything to go by .

So he'd rather be deported than accept the terms of a loan from your mum? What an utter twat! Would he expect you to uproot yourself if he does get deported? To a country where you possibly don't speak the language and wouldn't be able to get a job? No thanks, time to shape up or ship out, chum!

I hope he now apologises to you and your mum for putting all that pressure and stress on you both, gets his shit together and starts to pay off his debts.