Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

Cut him some slack for trying last minute? No wonder you think he’s great. I’d be cutting him loose for leaving it till last minute and expecting everyone else to bail him out. A Prince among men …not

Its not fair there are people like your husband who trying to remain in the country legally, pay his fees etc yet, thousands are allowed to come here for free and stay.

Yes I’m going to be alert from now on. But I think I can cut him some slack for trying at the last minute
@Plummutum
I somehow don’t believe that… he has just gone to ask for handouts yet you class this as ‘trying’ 🙈
How come he manages to ‘beg’ off non family members (probably male) yet this situation need never to have arisen if he had accepted your DM’s kind and acceptable offer…
I am convinced he doesn’t like women, he sounds like an intolerable misogynistic chauvinistic asshole… i bet if you had brothers he would make an effort.
Please be aware of how your children are brought up if this male influence is all they have to go on 😞

So, if he had not tried to raise the funds someone will say something negative, and if he raises the funds, questions point to where he raised it from and how he’s now owing friends? Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

all of your excuses for his behaviour are irrelevant as he chose to leave this situation until the day before to fix… umm i mean beg

Well, I think misogynistic and chauvinistic is a bit harsh. Why do people like to throw these words around like it’s nothing these days ? For what it’s worth, one of the friends who helped him out is female.

He won’t be overstaying or breaking any immigration laws.

i am not throwing out comments… this is exactly the image you have portrayed to us…
you just seem relieved that this little blip has gone away but trust me there will be hundreds more judging by the past… get him to pay your DM for a start if he can borrow money that easily 🤷‍♀️

Apologies if this has been asked before @Plummutum, but could he ask his parents for the money?

You're being rather defensive here @Plummutum, which is not unexpected as he's your husband and you've elected to commit to him for whatever reason.

Nonetheless, for those of us reading your thread updates from a third party, impartial perspective - there are a number of quite major red flags tied up in his behaviour. Please just have your wits about you going forwards. Best of luck.

No worries, he’s an orphan.

I'm glad it's all worked out for now OP. At least now you can work through any other issues without this hanging over you. These applications really can bring out the worst in us.
Sounds like he has some pretty stellar social capital, so he must have some redeeming qualities!
Plenty of people don't have a spare grand every year, so that's hardly unusual...

I'm thinking that when you say "not always", others would probably say 'quite often'.

Do you have kids together?
Isn't it a bit odd he got the money so quick?
Did he already have it ?
If he has good credit he could have got a loan . But that's still fast and I would worry about the interest if payday type loan

He should be damn grateful she's even offering to help. Twat.

Thank you, I agree, this situation was very stressful for us both. I think it’s so easy for people to judge and make comments without actually knowing the full story. I think a lot of comments are more about how horrible of a person DH is as opposed to how things can be resolved - I was reading that a fee waiver could have been a last resort as that would have brought him more time even if his visa expires whilst he waits for the outcome. But instead, the comments are about him being deported etc. of course I know what he’s like, he’s not an angel, I’m sure none of us are perfect too. And yes, I’m being defensive of him, why’s that a bad thing? What happened to actually fighting for marriages? Yes, I know he left things last minute etc, but it’s the overall outcome that counts.

@Plummutum how do you feel about him now owing a friend several thousand pounds? what is his plan to pay this back? this money treats the symptom not the disease though doesnt it. the question is how and why did you get to this place with 48hrs to go. No one is saying he is the devil. but my concern now would be how he is going to pay back this very kind friend who has bailed him out. are you happy for people outside of the family knowing this much information about your finances and about his lack of financial planning?

I’m not happy about it but the situation is urgent

why is it urgent when you have known this day is coming for years? How has it come to this? are you both low earners and unable to save? its £500 a year thats needed isnt it or £43 a month - less than a tenner a week so hardly a massive sum unless you are both on low wages I guess. you need to find out asap what his plan is to pay this person back. please dont just assume he has this in hand because clearly he wont have.

Well, if he is reported for being an overstayer and faces whatever consequences come from that… at least his pride will be fully in tact.

Let him make his own choice, stop stressing, you have laid a path to avoid serious repercussions and he doesn’t want to take it. Thats his problem. If he can’t ask directly and be grateful for a loan to save his ass the he doesn’t bloody deserve it.

And worst case scenario he has borrowed money from somewhere with a crazy interest rate and/or from people who won't take kindly if he defaults on payments

Why do you think your only two choices are to support him in letting his ego and stubbornness get in the way of something as important as his visa, or to abandon him?

A supportive spouse can only go so far. You've led the horse to water, you can't make him drink it.

Refusing to ask your mum directly and refusing to put something in writing - especially when he's proven that he's unreliable in the past are both big old red flags. Being willing to let his visa expire is a big old red flag too. His behaviour is telling you a lot about how he feels about you, your relationship and how much he wants to stay in the country. Pay attention to it. xxx

It’s his visa, he should be sorting it not you. If he won’t speak to your mum, he’s obviously not that motivated to get it sorted, which speaks to how he feels about you

I'm sceptical that he's managed to borrow so much money from several friends at the last minute. Sorry OP, but have you seen the evidence i.e. has he shown you text messages from these friends saying they will transfer the money, or has he shown you his updated bank balance?

My thinking is that he's just panicked and invented a story about having successfully borrowed the money, thinking that he can deal with the problem later. But of course the problem won't actually go away if the money isn't real.

If the loan is real, is he going to expect you to help repay it?