Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

He has the means to sort this out himself and is choosing not to.

How does that make you feel, OP?

This is your reality.

(As an aside, how come it’s not ‘we’ and ‘our money’?)

*oops, cross posted. Do you not have access to money? Do you not share finances, do you not have access to his wages to repay your mum?

Yes, there’s a lot involved and it’s not as straightforward as people think.

Well, I understand, but what am I supposed to do? Just abandon him and let his visa expire?

Yes, this is exactly what you’re supposed to do because it’s precisely what he’s doing. Your mum has offered him a (more than reasonable) lifeline and he’s refusing to accept it. He’s an adult and he’s made his choice, you should not have to rescue him from his choices.

Well, because he's being an arsehole. You've mentioned in another comment that you have children with this man.

If he cannot put his pride to one side for THEM, then I'm afraid you'll have to throw that rotten fish back in the water. Let him swim off elsewhere.

I know you say he’s not being rude but getting you to go to your mum and ask for money and then refusing to do the polite thing and ask her himself is really rude to me. There are things on each side of the family the spouse that family comes from should deal with of course but asking for a loan for his visa is not one of them. He needs to see that this is his responsibility, nothing to do with pride just a transaction that your mum also needs to be protected with and shown a little consideration. I hope you get it sorted but this is on him not you to sort out.

I've been through this process.
You need to save in advance for the fees, there's no leeway and applying late opens an even more stressful can of worms.
It might technically be his responsibility but you're a team and its going to impact you regardless so 'leaving him to it' isn't a normal course of action.
However, these arguments should have happened ages ago, so that you were ready to apply.
Pride needs to go out the window where visas are concerned. Its too important to take the risk with.
If he won't listen to reason then you have no choice really.
But it does sound like you could use CC/loans but that you don't want to increase your debts?
Not a good situation all round and you need to have some serious conversations with him about the meaning behind his behaviour.

It sounds like your mum is standing up for you, because you won't stand up for yourself OP.

What does you DH think will happen? It appears that he is just expecting you and your mum to sort everything out for him, and he's too special to do it for himself. Sounds like he needs a dose of reality. I wouldn't be worrying too much about keeping him frankly.

I know it’s not a straightforward process, and can be expensive, but since the alternative is being deported from the country where your wife and children live, and where you have chosen to build a life with them, it strikes me that most people would want to make the effort. The OPs husband seems so distanced from the situation that he can’t even take the simplest action of renewing his existing visa using money that is being offered to him.

Your mum is demonstrating appropriate and fair boundaries.

I am surprised you are even prepared to let her lend the money when he has been flakey about paying her back in the past though.

I suggest that her money would be better spent on paying for driving lessons for you as his main redeeming feature seems to be that he "drives you everywhere"

So, as of now, he’s stormed out the house as we had a massive argument because I was advising him to speak to my mum but he’s gotten it into his head that I want him to “beg” her.

No, he's stormed out of the house because he's completely in the wrong and can't reasonably defend his position. So he's pitched a strop like a spoilt teenager.

Quite frankly, having failed to sort this out himself he absolutely should "beg" your mum if he wants her to bail him out of the mess he's made.

It's his responsibility to sort out his visa status. It's his responsibility to fund it. He has failed utterly on both of these issues. He's put your family's future, your rental agreement, his job all in jeopardy.

But he thinks he's too important to 'beg" your mum to help, when he treats her disrespectfully and has a history of not paying her back? He should be on his knees thanking her for even considering it, @Plummutum !

Well that’s on him, isn’t it. He’s putting his pride ahead of you and being with you here, so what does that tell you about where you stand with him? You aren’t his slave to enable his wishes while he just reaps benefits. If he wants his visa money, he has to talk to the donor and agree a repayment plan and hopefully sign a legal agreement, because that is only fair to the person kind enough to offer the money.
He is your husband, not your child. He has to take responsibility for himself

You both seem pretty resigned to this visa not being renewed. If that is the choice you are both making, then you need to start preparing for life without him. Protect your assets, revoke your sponsorship, make sure he can't take the DC (even if you don't think he would, do it anyway).

Your DH could "proudly" draft his own repayment schedule for your mother and show that he's not asking for a handout. He could take pride in dealing with his own visa situation instead of hiding behind you. However, he's taking a different approach and that is his choice, probably because he feels guilty and angry. Like I say, it's HIS choice

Because this is how your husband is choosing to end it.

You don't need to be on his side when he's in the wrong!

its as straightforward as he needs to stop being a dickhead or he'll be deported.

At this point i'd pack his bag, put him out and tell him he isn't coming back in the house, or making you party to harbouring an illegal immigrant, and until he asks your mum for the money like a grown ass man, he isn't coming back in.

I have read a bit more. Sounds as though he has you brainwashed. He’s a good guy when everyone else enables his life…who isn’t? If people bend over backwards to please us , we can all seem like saints. It’s how people react in times of adversity that true colours show. He doesn’t repay money, he expects everyone to do for him things he should do for himself. He accepts no accountability, he stomps off in a tantrum when not getting his way.
You man is showing his colours big time. You need to take off those rose tinted specs and look at him properly.
Because they’re all lovable when times are good..it’s how loveable are they in the difficulties

I'm curious, are you in debt because of your husband... you mention him borrowing money before, and children, and all this... am I guessing right that he in general doesn't make great financial decisions?

That sound difficult for you, OP.

The 'heard from a stranger your DM gossiped and hurt his feelings' sounds confected - is he going to take the word of a stranger over your DM?

Has he said what his plan is if he won't compromise?

As an aside, does his 'culture' have any 'respect your (DM) elders' or 'the man provides for himself and his family' or is just one that tiptoes around his manly pride?

Good luck.

@Plummutum
Why has he not saved a few pounds per week over the 5 years? there would be no need to ‘beg’
I’ll tell you why he hasn’t saved a few pounds per week… because he assumed you would just ask your mum again for a handout 🤷‍♀️
Why is it his MIL’s responsibility to pay for his visa?
Would he lend out his hard earned money to someone who hadn’t previously repaid him?
Would he even expect someone’s audacity to even ask again ?
I think you have a bigger problem than the visa OP, you need to realise your marriage is out of convenience for him, if the only things you can say about why you are married are he drives me around whenever i need it and we have built a nice relationship that’s sad…Marriages are based on commitment, loyalty, respect, love and teamwork and i can honestly say i haven’t noticed any of those characteristics from your marriage, you seem like you are doing all the trying?
As for pride, he has none, he would never leave an unpaid debt which is probably why he hides upstairs as he cannot look your DM in the face knowing he has effectively stolen from her.
I think you will cope better than you think on your own without this loser in tow.
I would also add your DM is a better woman than me to even consider handing out money to a previous debtor… she’s more or less waving goodbye to it IMO.

If the visa is due to expire in less than 48 hours - and even if you don't have the money in hand, do you have the forms filled in?

How strict is that deadline?

I'm not surprised that you're stressed, OP, I would be too but this really isn't something that you can resolve - and your husband (who could resolve it, possibly?), doesn't seem to want to.

Is there some sort of helpline that you could ring for some advice on the visa situation?

Honestly OP it is really really straightforward. Your DH has known for years that his spouse visa is going to expire. He has also known the costs of extending. he has had ample time to save up to pay for this extension. this is on him, only him. He has been offered a perfectly reasonable solution - borrow money from your mum and sign an agreement around repayments. she isnt asking for blood, just the money back. she isnt asking him to beg either, just to ask.

Again, its HIS CHOICE not to accept this offer of help which 99.9% of people would think of as perfectly reasonable.

He wants you to sort it out. he has fucked up, cant admit it and wants someone else to solve the problem.

This has nothing to do with pride and absolutely everything to do with arrogance. He thinks you, your family and the world owe him. that he has some right to stay and not pay or if he has to pay well someone else can sort this. You need to have a very calm conversation with him (write notes beforehand to help you stay on track) if he wont ask for the money, then what is his plan B? ask him to tell you how he, an adult is going to solve this problem.

I also agree with whoever said you need to make sure he has no access to the children's passports at present

Get the passports out of the house and somewhere safe

I know a lot about the spouse visa process and myself and my husband have done it for years. He’s an American citizen and we have done several limited leave to remain applications over the last 9 years and have the final one later this year - indefinite leave to remain. It’s expensive and stressful but we have saved the entire time to ensure we can fund the next one. I can’t understand why he hasn’t done this knowing it would be happening. It’s not your job to sort this out. If his pride is more important than staying with you and the kids, let him be deported. I know that isn’t as easy as it sounds but this is on him. He has been offered the loan and he’s refusing it. Hide the kids passports and let him find a way out of this himself.

For those who have said you can’t have credit or a mortgage on limited leave to remain, you can. My husband and I got a mortgage with no issues years ago and he has always been the highest earner.

A scrounging husband on a visa who has to go cap in hand to your mum 'has a lot of pride'. What have I just read?