Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

Sorry OP but I disagree that he is not doing anything wrong. Staying upstairs when they visit is rude and passive aggressive. Well done your mum and sisters for persevering in staying in close touch with you, so that you don't end up isolated by your husband's unpleasant behaviour.
Of course he has to speak to your mum politely and rationally if he wants to borrow money from her. And he has to deal rationally with the visa situation too, not stick his head in the sand and wait to be deported.

With each new bit of info about him he comes across worse. He thinks your mum should shell out “for her daughter” when it’s the rude son-in-law whose behaviour and attitude have caused this whole situation.

amazing.

He's a twat. Tell him to fuck off.
Then report him to the authorities.

Yes, that's exactly what you could do - he's obviously not that bothered.

The reason your Mum wants him to sort it out directly with her is presumably because she wants HIM to take responsibility, and for you not to be a go between / for you to have the worry or burden or feel any responsibility for what is HIS debt.

And she is right.

She doesn't want him to 'beg', she wants him to take direct responsibility rather than through you.

And in fact doing it though you makes it no less of a 'beg' - and increases it as he isn't taking responsibility.

He caused this mess with his financial inefficiency and chaos.

Sorry OP - he is arrogant, controlling and a bully.

Hold tight to your Mum - you re going to need her, is my guess.

He shouldn't ever be that way. "Oh he's only a massive selfish twat sometimes" means he IS, in fact, a massive selfish twat. Your mum obviously knows you can do better.

Erm ‘Leave to Remain’ is not conferred by a spousal visa. You usually apply for leave to remain once you have lived with a valid visa in the UK for a minimum period of 5 years. If he is here on a visa then he has not applied and only has ‘temporary’ right to stay, hence the issue for the OP.

In order to get credit/credit cards, as a non UK resident, you usually have to have been living at the same address for three years and also have held a full time job for longer than 6months. It is not clear that he has been here on a visa and residing at the OP’s address for that period. Even were he to have done so, the likely credit facility available will be hundreds, not thousands.

You haven’t “found” yourself in this situation. When you married you were both perfectly aware of how the visa system works and will have had YEARS to sort it out but leave all the wailing and gnashing of teeth until the last 48 hours of the visa.

You are just as guilty as him because your default position has been to expect ask your mother to make up the shortfall, knowing full well the history of his rudeness and not paying back previous loans. I think both of you sound very immature and naive. As others have said, if he ends up being deported ( and let’s face it, these days the government are all too happy to use soft deportations of overstayers to boost up their poor record of dealing with illegal non visa possessing immigrants) he will not be granted another visa to return.

This. As someone who has to apply for two different visas I can't imagine why anyone would leave things this late (and I'm someone who does most things last minute). I don't think he's that bothered about staying or he's not that in to you. Only you know what is really going on.

I’ve been with my dh since I was 19. When he wasn’t pulling his weight parenting and in our life and when I was unwell I told him we’d be divorced if this was all he had to bring to our marriage. You don’t have to be scared

No. Anyone on a valid visa has leave to remain. Leave to remain, then further leave to remain, then indefinite.
None of that is true.

OP says he works.

Can't he get a loan? Let him spend a day trying to get a loan and see how much that would cost and perhaps his pride will be tempered a bit. Could he write to her if he doesn't want to do it face to face, 'Dear MIL I would be so grateful if you could lend me my visa money, I would of course agree to whatever re-payment schedule you require, thank you so much for your generosity in considering to do this for me, your loving DSL.'

No, they have a temporary permission to stay in the UK provided they abide by the restrictions of the specific visa they have been awarded. The visa can be revoked at any time and they can be deported. ‘Leave to Remain’ is a completely different legal status (and specific stamp in the passport) with a separate application process, based on remaining in the country on a valid visa (incl a spousal visa), complying with its conditions, for 5 years.

I know this because I was brought into the country as a baby on my mother’s UK passport and found out when I was 21 that she had never sought leave to remain or naturalised me as a british citizen. I was on the brink of being deported to the country of my birth but the foreign and commonwealth office agreed that I had no control over what was done on my behalf as an infant and allowed me to apply for ‘leave to remain’. Not a visa. I was then, 5 years later, allowed to apply to be naturalised British.

As an overstayer, he won’t be able to work. If your tenancy is joint, I believe he will also be in breach of the tenancy as he will not have a valid visa.

He is jeopardising your children’s future. Income, home, and the possibility/likelihood of him being deported. It is a crime to overstay a visa; you would therefore be aiding a criminal.

I have absolutely no sympathy for him whatsoever. He is not wonderful. He is placing the person he is meant to love the most in the world under immense stress.

I really feel you need to take a wider look at the dynamics of your relationship, as it doesn’t sound healthy at all.

And definitely hide your children’s passports, and make their school/nursery aware of the situation - as let’s face it, he is not going to submit the application in time.

Wow your H is an idiot!

Yes, temporary permission which is legally called "leave to remain". It's not a matter of opinion, it's literally what it is called. It is a fact. Leave to remain, and indefinite leave to remain aren't the same thing. Perhaps it was different when you were a baby.
Not that the terminology is particularly important to the OP....

The fact this is even being considered is ringing alarm bells.

Which country/continent is he from?

I assume since you met at University that he was then on a student visa. Marrying you meant he could up that visa to a more permanent arrangement .

What I don’t understand is why in the years since he has not consolidated his situation - considering he has a wife, children, a job, is paying taxes etc - by applying for citizenship. Does he not see life with you and the children as his future too? It does sound to me as though he has always seen his residence in the UK as a bit temporary, you have helped him by providing a reason and the means to be in the UK but for some reason he doesn’t really care too much about that any more since he can’t even bring himself to accept your mothers help to stay.

I suggest he either buys a ticket and leaves asap or asks for the money and not miss the deadline. I’m saying this not to be nasty but overstaying will be a lot worse than leaving and re applying. I’m sorry about this situation .

Completely agree. See ya !

That’s right about the credit.

When I came here (admittedly a while ago), I got married to a British citizen and was given limited leave to remain for 2.5 years. Then I had to apply for indefinite leave to remain. After that, I applied for British citizenship and received it and am a dual national. It was not until I had indefinite leave to remain that I qualified for a mortgage or much in the way of a credit line.

There may be a few reasons, some financial. You have to be on a limited leave to remain visa before indefinite leave to remain. ILR is £2885. And then you can apply for citizenship, but it isn’t cheap. £1630. And there are NHS surcharges. There is the Britishness test, and biometrics, and an English test, if you don’t come from an English speaking nation, also chargeable.

I’m not necessarily defending OP’s partner and there may be a reluctance to commit as indicated above, but I will say that the visa process is long, stressful, and expensive. They don’t just let people in, despite what the Daily Mail says.

It's not right. It's really unfortunate that so many people aren't aware of what is available to them! Perhaps it isn't as easily accessible or advertised, but lines of credit, even mortgages are available to those on limited leave to remain! Speaking from very recent experience!

We did consider this but we already have debt and really don’t want to enter into anything more, thank you for your kind response