Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

Honestly...he sounds worse and worse

He's behaving like a spoilt child who refuses to do his homework. Men like that have no business getting married and having children.

Has he at least booked a flight to leave the country before his visa expires?

Oh a good bit of deflection going on there....

stand firm. You KNOW that you arent asking him to beg. He is rewriting the narrative to make you sound unreasonable and as an excuse why he wont do it.

And he DOES behave like a twat to her, so she is perfectly allowed to voice her opinion.

My ex did this too - cut off anyone who saw him in a bad light or had criticised him.

where is he from OP?

He thinks your mother should shoulder this burden for her daughter... But he won't sort it for his wife and mother of his kids? I'm sorry OP I agree with previous posters. He's looking to cut and run and a reason to blame everyone else. "I had to leave because her mum wouldn't pay to sort my visa", "my MIL ended my marriage deliberately", "I don't get to see my kids because no one else would sort visa". Next it'll be your fault for not immediately upping sticks and moving to his country so inevitably it is always going to be your fault.

Hide your kids passports and your passport & any important documents/information.

You're being very naive to think this will have an easy ending. Your H is very manipulative.

also, he shouldnt see his MIL like a mother. She should always have your back. Even if he is from a ME background, his MIL would be his wife's advocate, because if his wife had issue, she would be expected to return to her mothers house, and he would be expected to go grovel to get her back.

The western idea of all families being like blended happy units is not universal

That again is manipulative speech. he is not acting like a man with pride, not in any culture

I am sorry you are going through this must be awfully sad.I suggest you don’t mention the visa anymore and your mother is no longer willing to lend him the money.Her offer is off the table he will need to get a bank loan ,credit card.This shouldn’t be a problem as he is working.He needs to sort this out he should of been saving towards it ,he has a choice now sort it or leave.Have you ever visited his country and met his family?Keep the passports safe.You will be fine on your own with the children you have a family who will help you.Stay strong you can’t carry a grown man he can make his own decisions.

It doesn't matter what he thinks he heard your mother said about him - he wants money off her and she has a reasonable request that he ask himself instead of sending her daughter to do his bidding whilst he hides like he does when she visits. He either wants to stay and will do what it takes or he accepts if he overstays he will not be allowed back and he will lose his family. It should be an easy choice. He can't afford to have 'pride'. It is not as if your mum is asking for a kidney, To be honest if he 'forgot' to pay me back previously he would not be getting anymore anyway.

Well, yes. If he is going to be a dick about it, then his visa will have to expire and he’ll have to leave. But if his pride is more important than a life with you, it says all you need to know, really, doesn’t it?

Is he such a twat in other areas of your relationship? I am going to guess he is. Might be a good time to reconsider your relationship if he has to leave the Uk for a while…

I feel sorry for your mum, OP. She only lends him money because of you. It sounds as if you ramp up the pressure so that you can protect your precious husband.

He keeps defaulting on paying her back. He should be put straight by you on that. Where is your loyalty to your mum who keeps bailing him out?

I hope that he carries on being an arse. Your mum can sit back knowing that sooner or later he'll be out - and that you can't hold her responsible for it. If I were her I wouldn't even have offered, terms or not, so she's amazing to even offer.

What a waster he is. Aren't you even a bit ashamed?

It’s rude in any culture to bugger off upstairs as soon as someone comes to visit.

It sounds like you’re quite blind to how badly he behaves and your mum has quite rightly had enough. This is not your problem to solve, it’s his problem, so you need to stop trying to fix it and let him do what he wants. Maybe he subconsciously wants to be deported?

In effect he has been offered the money & refused.

Were you both always on relying on your mum offering?

You haven't enough & must have known this for a while so what was the plan?

I’ll probably be accused of being racist, but I am the furthest from that you can imagine, but honestly let him just fuck off and get deported.

What Joy is he bringing to you and your children ? It’s crystal clear that he is using you. This country does not need another waste of space.

1. please please listen to other posters and hide your children’s passports.

2. stop imagining that it’s pride driving his behaviour. A proud man doesn’t borrow money from friends and family in the first place and he definitely doesn’t ‘forget’ to pay it back. This is arrogance and entitlement, on top of a big dose of stupidity.

If he wanted to stay he would have saved the money .
I bet he won't pay her back if he lends it and you will have too.
Similar thing happened to a friend of mine but few years ago and the guy lost his visa but also can't even come back to the UK for a holiday . Not sure for how many years.

I know a few guys where I'd laugh at the notion they might take their kids with them on leaving the country

Mainly because they do no day to day childcare (or housework) and would be horrified at the idea of looking after the kids all by themselves for even a day...

To be blunt Op he knows you won't want your DC father deported so he has you where he wants you, you'll sort out the visa money for your DC sake, that's why he's only stressing about it now because you've finally said it's down to him.
He hasn't saved enough or got a part time job to pay for the visa because he thought you'd sort it, he won't ask your DM, he knows the rules so he either wants to leave or he's just very entitled
Your poor DM must wish you'd never met him

I feel for you, but as others have rightly said, you need to get your ducks in a row and start planning.

Your husband is not proud, he is a misogynist. The way he treats your Mum and sisters is appalling, and now grasping at straws by saying he heard of some idle gossip and he changed his opinion of her? Really? Have a serious think about that. Your Mum, who sounds kind and has the grace to put up with his obvious rudeness around her and your sisters?

I sincerely hope if you have daughters, you are going to redress some of the balance here, before they learn their place in their Father's world. As for your sons, ask yourself what kind of role model their father is to them? Treat women like shit and be disrespectful at every turn, yet expect them to scurry about putting solutions in place for him?

The fact that you laughed about the child's passports and said "you lost me" at the (very real) suggestion, makes you come across as naïve at best.

You have bigger problems than your husband's "pride" I am afraid.

You have come onto a public forum to ask for advice, and most of the advice is sound, yet you have continued to insist that you must have your husband's back and go to lengths like have a legally binding document drafted and present to your Mum without thinking that is quite ridiculous under the circumstances?

With respect, please wake up.

Use your Mum's very generous loan to sign up to an intensive driving course and get your license. Follow the advice re council tax, benefits, child maintenance, etc.

Your husband's latest tantrum is him showing you who he is. Believe him.

Is there a reason why getting money from an alternative source-like a credit card or a bank or credit union loan- is off the table?

If these options are viable, then maybe you could take your mum out of the picture and tell him that you can both do it without her via one of these routes.

It would stop putting you in the middle of your mum and your husband and would give him a way to help himself, thus saving any pride that he feels he is forfeiting.

It would become a straightforward loan from a business institution, no begging or feelings involved.

Quite often these lines of credit are not available to you if you do not have residency status. Ie HE cannot get money this way and it would be down to OP to take on this debt herself.

@Plummutum

“He also revealed that the reason he acts this way around my mum is because he once heard from others that she sometimes gossips about him and says mean things which hurt him and changed his view of her so he doesn’t see her like a mother.”

So he listened to gossip - from someone gossiping - that your mother talks about him in private. He’s as bad as is his ‘confidante’ in that situation. And from the sounds of it your mother has reason to talk about him to others.

You said he leaves the room after a simple ‘hi’ if your mother or family are around. Has he always been like that to some degree? If so his latest excuse is bullshit. And your partner might not love your family but modelling polite and civil behaviour is what adults do. Especially for their children. He sounds like a surly teenager skulking off to his room the minute others arrive.

He doesn’t see her like a mother. She isn’t his mother. She’s yours. She’s looking out for you. He sees her like a cash machine when it suits him.

Say she lends him the money again - what’s next. What will be the next thing he takes issue with? Even if she gives him the money now the relationship will be worse. He will resent your family more. You will be stuck in the middle more.

this is not pride. Stop labelling it that. Pettiness. Arrogance yes. Pride romanticises it. ‘He’s such a proud man’. But he isn’t is he. Proud men don’t put their wife and family in this position.

Morally, he shouldn't take her money then.

Can't believe this is a grown-ass man with so many responsibilities who'd rather live separately in a different country to his wife and kids than swallow his pride and comply with the sainted hated MiL's perfectly reasonable request.

I suspect he DOES want to check out of family life and this has given him the perfect opportunity to exit stage left. Once he's in another country, chasing for maintenance will also be a ball ache. My mother never saw a penny from my exiled father.

Yes they are. Assuming he has leave to remain (which he would on a spouse visa) and income. Perhaps not the best rates, but people get mortgages and everything. I can only assume MIL is not the only person he has not paid back on time... otherwise this would be the obvious solution.

You are of course making the assumption that he has a job. That might be quite an assumption.