Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

@Plummutum ...it's very likely your DH will just ignore the situation and stay illegally.
Waiting for you to sort it out for him.
Harbouring someone you know is here illegally carrys a prison sentence of 6 months potentially and a fine. Plus you'd have a criminal record.

Please also think about finances...if he does the right thing and leaves what's stopping him emptying your bank account?

He doesn’t want to ask himself or have anything documented because he has no intention of paying her back, again.

It's ok to be scared and to start going through practicalities. I'm willing to bet your mum will step up. You'll be able to apply for benefits once he's gone, consider a smaller place near (or near bus route to) school etc. It'll work out.

being on your own is OK. It seems scary, but you have shown alot of resilience and resource, and those qualities mean you can work out most anything

He's either not stressed about the situation because he doesn't care if he loses his wife and kids (completely unforgiveable) or he is planning to take his kids with him when he is deported (even more unforgiveable). There is no spin on this that makes him a good husband and father.

I'd imagine the asking in person is to make it more difficult for him to claim that the arrangement was between mother and daughter and nothing to do with him. A proper written agreement signed by him would also do this of course, but why not be safe in as many ways as you can?

Realistically, unless he gets the application sorted today make sure he leaves the country tomorrow.

Don't let him become an overstayer, because his chances of being able to return to visit the kids will essentially vanish, and depending on his home country the risks around taking them to visit might be quite high (plus puts all the hassle and cost on you.)

And honestly, I've been the immigrant spouse with British kids who needs to sort out visa stuff. I would have walked through fire to make sure I could stay in the country with my family. I had the visa applications in on the first day of eligibility, every time. I scrimped and saved to make sure we had the right money in the right place. I had every piece of paperwork required and then some (to the point where I was gently chided by an immigration official for having 50-60 pieces of evidence when requirement was "a minimum of 6."

I cannot fathom a parent who would not do something so simple as to ask your mum a question he already knows she'll say yes to. The lack of care and commitment and willing to make an incredibly small sacrifice for his children is beyond me.

I've got citizenship now and to be honest the main reason I got it was stability and certainty for my family that goes beyond what you could get with ILR.

I know it's scary. But I don't think I could ever, ever forgive his attitude and actions here.

Naive and flippant with it. A combination that comes across to me as sarcastic as well as the subject matter. Just a nope from me.

He doesnt love you or his kids enough to do anything to stay with you.

Ask your mum to agree to him signing a legal document to repay but not asking her personally. Explain to your mum you cant afford your life without him. If he doesnt accept that then waive him off.

@Plummutum This situation has been caused by your husband's lack of planning and sheer stubborness. The utter selfishness and arrogance he has displayed towards you and his children, and your mother, is unbelievable.

I'm sorry, but you have to put your emotions aside and be proactively practical.
HE sorts this today and finds the money. Otherwise he will have to leave voluntarily, or he will be deported. You will have your mother's support. You will not have to cope alone.

Look into what you would be entitled to benefit wise as a single parent. Turn 2 us and entitled to are benefit calculators.
You may be able to find a benefits advisor, possibly through Citizens Advice. Hopefully others reading your thread will be able to give more defined information.

If you get an idea of financial help available, you can make plans to make it work. The future will be less scary.

You are the only parent your children can rely on. Sort this for their sakes, as well as your own.
Deep breath. You can do this.

The other worrying thing I took the legal route to avoid, was to put an alert/ block on my daughter travelling without me. Passport office did it. This was after we divorced though. Because ExH lived in a country where it was very common for men to be granted custody, and for them to leave children with their mothers. But also because of the culture, even if he had INTENDED for our child to return back to the UK with him from a holiday, a request/demand from an older male relative to leave her would have meant he had no choice but to do so, in the familys eyes. You dont disrespect older males.

so she has never travelled to that country and wont until she is married herself, and under the perceived 'ownership' of another man.

That may be way OTT, but as she has medical needs which require constant medication, there was no way I would even entertain that risk

He is not too proud to take her money and "forget" to pay her back but too proud to ask for her help?
I am firmly #teammum here

Honestly, you might be better off cutting your loses now. He has shown you he doesn't care enough about you and your family to do what is needed. Once his visa runs out he will no longer be legally entitled to work. He might get away with it for a while, but employers are shit hot on that kind of thing usually.
It sounds like he would have right to remain if he wanted to go through the process, so why hasn't he? He does seem to have one foot out the door...

ALL of the above!

You need a new spouse.

Book him a flight home then. Borrow the money off your Mum. Cos that's the options he has. If he overstays it will be almost impossible to fix.

She said she has young children with him :(

Most of his friends who I met, who equally married with visas, divorced after similar amounts of time, usually up to a couple of years after the right to remain was granted

This makes me so fucking angry. I think you should have to stay married for at least 10 years before RTR is even considered.

Anyway OP your 'D'H is a twat, presumably he's had ages to save up for his own visa. I don't blame your mum at all, honestly why do these men think that 'pride' is such as valued commodity when usually it's just used as justification for twattish behaviour.

Is it possible he's actually hoping he'll have to leave?

I think the advice about hiding DC passports.is good. Hopefully unnecessary, but sensible none the less.

Your DH is entirely unreasonable. You are asking your mum for a favour and a visa cost is really expensive (been there and finally my DH is British now!). It's not a small sum of money for anyone to lend without some formal agreement about paying it back.

It comes across if you DH isn't bothered about staying and your marriage at all. his pride shouldn't come into it when it comes to staying with you really should it!

Having a black mark of being an overstayer on his record if/when he does apply for his next visa won't go in his favour. My DH visa once got declined as he got his dates slightly wrong (like a month out on a overseas trip). Cost thousands to go to court and get it corrected as well as repaying for another visa as you lose the first amount if its declined.

Thank you for this. I know it’ll all work out

@Plummutum I'm thinking of you OP. What a nightmare situation for you. Pls keep us updated, good luck whatever happens

So, as of now, he’s stormed out the house as we had a massive argument because I was advising him to speak to my mum but he’s gotten it into his head that I want him to “beg” her. He thinks that my mum is being unreasonable because he’s fully intending to pay her back and he feels she should be able to do this for her daughter (me) as it’s causing a lot of stress/worry. He also revealed that the reason he acts this way around my mum is because he once heard from others that she sometimes gossips about him and says mean things which hurt him and changed his view of her so he doesn’t see her like a mother.