Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

I think he’s starting to freak about a bit because I said I’m no longer going to have any input on his immigration matters because I’ve done my bit.

I know it would hurt you, but you've both been feckless about this but with his attitude he wouldn't be getting a penny from me

With less than 48 hours to go it's too late to do that now, you'd need an appointment with a solicitor and everything and you're not going to get that in less than 48 hours, more likely next week.

No, it’s not you. That’s letting his Visa expire. It’s him. Get out of that frame of mind immediately.

No

He is just being very ordinarily rude.

He is no prince

You might find it helpful to start thinking about your "Plan B"

Plan A is that he swallows his misogyny and asks you DM for the money, then gets his visa sorted.

Plan B is for when he gets deported and is not allowed back into this country.

What are your plans for driving lessons? Would your DM help with that cost?

Have you looked into claiming UC and housing benefit to pay the rent as a single person? The claim may be complicated by the fact that you will still be married to someone abroad, who is still legally liable to pay you maintenance.

Have you looked into how you would actually obtain a divorce from him when he is abroad? What if he doesn't give you an address where he is staying abroad?

Have you spoken to your employer about flexible working to allow you to do school runs? Or have you looked into before and/or after school childcare? Failing that, you would need to give up your current job, claim UC, and start looking for a flexible job.

If the situation is so complex and serious ask yourself why he isn’t worried and beside himself wanting to sort it by any means possible.

He’s been offered the solution on a plate by your mum and still hadn’t grabbed hold of it with both hands.

If this was me in this situation and I was at risk of losing my partner and children I’d do anything for the money.

This person is showing you their true colours and who they really are, believe them.

How old are you both?

If you opt out of helping him today, your marriage is effectively over. Is that what you want? Only you know how much of this is overwhelm, vs him being a general arsehole. It's crunch time really for you as much as him. If you think the situation is irredeemable, start getting your ducks in a row so he can't take your DC or assets out of the country.

He’s working and it’s 2.5K? Surely he can borrow that, or get a credit card? Or has he got a lot of other debt?

This just sounds really scary. I don’t really want to start opening up to strangers like this but the truth is I’m just really scared to potentially end up on my own. When you’ve spend most of your early adult life with one person you just don’t really know who you’d be without them? That’s why I don’t want it to reach that stage, but I also know that I’ve done my best. It’s like dealing with conflicting emotions

It may make the most financial and practical sense to renew the visa.

But does it make sense in terms of emotion and relationships? Because it’s you and your mum taking responsibility for your DH’s apparent wilful incompetence in sorting it himself. And pandering to his pride and stubbornness.

If this is how his visa gets renewed to solve the immediate problem, it’d be helpful for you to consider whether his attitude to your extended family, and his responsibility as a husband and father, are acceptable to you.

@Plummutum ...you sound really scared and. I can understand that, and I'd bet your DH has relied on your dependence on him making you run round trying to sort his life out for him.

You have your mum and sister and I wonder that if DH is out of picture they'll really rally to help you.

As a mother of young adult daughters I know I'd be standing back a bit while he was around as you sound completely in his thrall and I'm sure if anyone tried to tell you he wasn't this wonderful man you wouldn't believe them. Your mum has no doubt been biting her tongue and watching and worrying about you...

You won't be alone and you'll have time to discover who you are as a fully independent adult ..

Yes, I hear you.
Underneath your frustration with him, you are terrified of what the future holds.
That is okay.
It is okay to be terrified.

You will get through this.
Just take one day at a time. Each day, do what you can for that day. Do what is in front of you needing to be done, then go to bed knowing you have done your best.

You cannot change or control him, or your DM. They make their own choices. You only control your own choices and actions.

Is he refusing to sign a formal agreement to pay back the money because he actually has no intention of paying the money back?

You don't need to be 'on his side' when he is so definitely in the wrong. It is really good of your mum to agree to lend him the money when he has failed to pay her back on previous occasions.

I don't understand his thought processes. Maybe if he had borrowed money previously and had paid it back on time, he would feel a bit miffed that she didn't trust him. But she is only doing this because he didn't pay back money previously so has proved himself to be unreliable and untrusworthy. If he won't sign an agreement, she won't lend the money and he won't be able to renew his visa. His choice.

DH has a history of not playing back loans as agreed. There needs to be a written agreement that both have signed. Your DH is being silly and arrogant.

Does he come from a country/culture where men are 'superior' and automatically expect respect and subservience from women?

@thepariscrimefiles ...I thought that exactly

You need to set your standards higher.

I get it OP. I was with someone from 18 to 28, met at Uni, spent the first ten years of my adult life with him. Terrified of being on my own, frightened nobody else would love me, thought the way he treated me was how all relationships worked.

I was wrong on every count. I thrived with independence, I realised I’d rather be alone than in a bad relationship and then after a long time I met someone truly wonderful.

You can’t let fear of the unknown keep you with a man who has demonstrated by his actions that he doesn’t care for you and his kids. He should be crawling over broken glass to stay with his kids. He can’t even ask nicely.

So, we’ve established:

He borrows money from your family and doesn’t pay it back (stealing)
He cares more about his pride than his children
Is bad with money
Has burned bridges with his own family as well as yours
Has left it too late to sort his visa mess out
Has thrown a fit when you said you have done all you can to sort out HIS mess and it’s on him now

Have you ever tried to or suggested learning to drive and he’s shot that idea down because he drives you places and you don’t need to learn? I bet he has. I’d examine your life for signs of control.

Nobody ever wants to think badly of their partner. It’s hard. But you need to be strong for your kids and examine if this relationship is what you think it is.

If that is the case he doesn't see OP as long term and hence why he isn't that bothered about staying with her.

You’re not abandoning him though - you’ve sorted a solution and now he has to follow it through. If he chooses not to then that’s on him. You tried.

The document he signs for borrowing money from your mother does not need to be complex. You/your mum does not need a solicitor to draw up anything: a simple IOU on a plain piece of paper with both their names the date and the ammount is sufficient and legally enforceable.

I agree with others that he has backed himself into this corner. As someone who once had a visa, I worked with my DH to make sure that we handled all the paperwork in good time so I know it can be done.

good luck

OMG, he will be separated from his kids if he gets deported and he still isn't willing to swallow his pride and ask your mum politely to help with the fees and agree to sign a legal document for repayment.

What on earth is the matter with him? He should be totally distraught and begging your mum on bended knee in order to stay in the country where his children live. He should be agreeing to anything she asks in order to stay with his kids.

I considered that too, having been married to an Egyptian, who ultimately Liked me, but liked my chance of giving him a visa more. I was married for 8 years and did all of the running around for visas etc to bring him over here.

I also have a friend who married someone on a student visa, and he massively took the piss too. It wasnt exactly a marriage of convenience in either case - we both were in relationships, but we both were vulnerable to the love bombing that occurred as it was a relationship with a big fucking bonus for them.

I could see my ex behaving like this, although he was definately not aloof to my family, he was quite the opposite. But he would have been, and was in many times, the same regarding perceived lack of respect and his own pride. And he too would have done alot of the running around for me, cooking, allegedly supporting my studies (so long as it didnt impact him to do boring stuff like childcare) but the main issue was the knowledge that I was not a priority to him, that I wasnt in first place like I had made him, for me. He was young, immature and selfish, and had no idea, due to his culture, at how to have an equal relationship. We divorced when my daughter was 2. Most of his friends who I met, who equally married with visas, divorced after similar amounts of time, usually up to a couple of years after the right to remain was granted

During relate and the psychological therapy I had, it was pointed out that you needed 2 people to fight for a relationship, and that I was the only one effectively IN the relationship.