Am I in the wrong or DH?

[sadnessfairy]

DH and I usually have an amazing relationship. Really lovely and easy. DH is the stepfather to my two DC and we’re expecting our own (and only) baby in June.

LasT year, we booked Disneyland Paris for this Easter break before I was pregnant (and we weren’t trying). A few months ago, I joined some of the Disney Facebook groups to plan our trip and saw that some people have been stopped at the French border for travelling with DC without other parent and are expected to provide a letter from the other parent saying that they have permission to leave the country with DC. When I told DH this, he went mad saying it was ridiculous, I’m their mum etc (I’m the resident parent, DC go to EXH EOW). He was so against it in principle and he said don’t ask him for a letter as it’s ridiculous. He’s taken his kids abroad (pre brexit, they’re grown ups now) but did have the same surname as them whereas I don’t. EXH just had the kids at the weekend and messaged me offering a letter unprompted. I told DH and he said we won’t need it and it’s pointless but ‘do what you want’. I opted for it as it’ll be me that gets questioned if we are and I have anxiety which obviously DH knows about and it just seems better to have it than not. When the kids came home yesterday with it, DH went into a foul mood which he’s still in and now doesn’t want to go (it’s in 2 weeks) and feels I’ve ruined it etc because of the principle; I agree that the principle is shit, EXH is a deadbeat who doesn’t work/pay maintenance and is pretty rubbish all round, but I didn’t make the border rules?! DH does an awful lot for DC so I understand that it feels stupid but he’s been very very cold to me today (bear in mind I’m quite pregnant) and has said some pretty hurtful things about the situation tonight. AIBU for getting the letter?

He sounds like an arse. Imagine you actually got questioned and had no back up letter and had to take the kids home!?

Your DH is a sulky petulant twat. I’d be tempted to just go without him if you are up for that?

No you are not being unreasonable.

show him this link from gov.uk and ask him to apologise.
www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad
if he is still sulking tell him it’s not attractive. And that you are going with it without him

You’ve done the right thing, better to be prepared. A friend of mine, a few years ago got questioned as her son didn’t have her surname. Not quite sure why your DH is making such a big deal out of something that if needed, will make the travel go more smoothly for you all 🤷🏼‍♀️

Of course you get the letter - the chances are it won’t be needed but if they have a different name to you there is a chance it will be asked for and the fact you have to makes life easier.

He isn’t their father - it is just a fact and if he really is threatening not to go over this is being awful

it would make me rethink him tbh

It sounds like he might be starting to be abusive to you because you are pregnant and that’s when it often starts as they feel they can get away with it as you are vulnerable.

I would say to him sulking is abusive. I’m going away with my children and I don’t want you there if you are going to sulk. I don’t make the border rules.

I would tell friends and family that you are worried about his behaviour changes so you have a support network if it starts to get worse.

I’ve taken my children to various different countries and never been asked about their dad but their dad has always provided letters just in case.

Do you have a court order stating you’re the resident parent? If so you don’t need a letter. If you don’t then yes legally you do need one.

@Cunningfungus I couldn’t go alone as I have PGP and will potentially need to hire a wheelchair- the joys of pregnancy! Plus it’s all paid for on his card and it would just ruin it- this is our first proper family holiday

@Mamabear487that is my fear! Or worse, getting to France and then being detained at border control.

@SP2024no, I don’t. It’s just the arrangement we came up with.

What a prick. Sorry I don’t buy you having some amazing easy relationship if he’s acting like this. You are right to get the letter - just last year my mum was quizzed at the border (coming back to England) about having a different surname to my brother and did she have a letter or permission from his father. They were pulled out of the queue and spoken to, brother was scared!

I did show him this before and he just said that we won’t need it, it’s ridiculous etc.

Has he seen the government webpage that a pp linked? How can he possibly blame you for this, if he has

ETA cross posted with you

I just don't understand his beef.

Of course you should take the letter. Insurance and all that.

It's actually not your h's business either.

I wouldn't bother discussing such matters with him in future. Just do what you need to do quietly and don't involve him wrt your own dcs.

However, his behaviour is appalling - petulant and childish.

So not that I'm trying to justify his behaviour, but sounds like it's displaced anger/frustration at the situation in general.

It's annoying to be the step-dad, and feel like you can't really just be the dad and get on with being a family, have to be at the mercy of their dad for a letter. Especially if he steps up in all other ways. My guess is with a baby on the way, he probably wishes he doesn't have to deal with it and you guys could just be a normal family, and the letter and having to have permission represents something more.

Have you had a proper conversation to understand what's behind it?

Abuse and control can very very often start when the woman is pregnant. beware op.

packing for holiday is taking things you hope you won’t need EHIC cards first aid etc better to have and not need than not take

@OldLondonDadI think that most of what you said is it. Because he’s so involved and supportive of them, it’s the mercy of EXH bit I think, as he’s utterly useless.

I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he refuses.

None of that's an excuse to go mad and sulk and threaten not to go. Adults deal with their feelings without those behaviours. As a stepdad of course he should defer to the actual parents! This behaviour is beyond frustration

Pregnancy is often a trigger for abusive men to start abusing. Just be careful.

He's being an abusive dick! I have to question the previously 'lovely and easy' relationship OP, does he have a problem with not being the father to all of your kids for some reason, hence not wanting to have to get the children's real father to do the letter? Behaving like this and causing you stress when you're pregnant is clearly abusive. What makes him think he knows the law better than anyone else? If you're stopped at the border it can be REALLY scary, particularly as their border police carry guns, I hope the cocky bastard doesn't say anything stupid if you are stopped, as he sounds the sort to get himself into some real bother!

Firstly I was questioned going into France and had to produce all the documents.
secondly he’s having a tantrum over a letter from the children’s father? Needs a head wobble he sounds horrible

I've been asked for the letter twice (in about 20 trips). One time with same surname, one without. As they've got older it tends to be more them questioning the children than me.

I'm married to their father, we just sometimes travel alone!

What's up with him? Tell him to grow up and accept that you have to be prepared for eventualities.

Weird of your DH. I got quizzed entering Europe with my baby who has a different surname to me because I hadn't checked these rules. Thought we wouldn't be allowed in. Having the letter is sensible