Am I in the wrong or DH?

[sadnessfairy]

DH and I usually have an amazing relationship. Really lovely and easy. DH is the stepfather to my two DC and we’re expecting our own (and only) baby in June.

LasT year, we booked Disneyland Paris for this Easter break before I was pregnant (and we weren’t trying). A few months ago, I joined some of the Disney Facebook groups to plan our trip and saw that some people have been stopped at the French border for travelling with DC without other parent and are expected to provide a letter from the other parent saying that they have permission to leave the country with DC. When I told DH this, he went mad saying it was ridiculous, I’m their mum etc (I’m the resident parent, DC go to EXH EOW). He was so against it in principle and he said don’t ask him for a letter as it’s ridiculous. He’s taken his kids abroad (pre brexit, they’re grown ups now) but did have the same surname as them whereas I don’t. EXH just had the kids at the weekend and messaged me offering a letter unprompted. I told DH and he said we won’t need it and it’s pointless but ‘do what you want’. I opted for it as it’ll be me that gets questioned if we are and I have anxiety which obviously DH knows about and it just seems better to have it than not. When the kids came home yesterday with it, DH went into a foul mood which he’s still in and now doesn’t want to go (it’s in 2 weeks) and feels I’ve ruined it etc because of the principle; I agree that the principle is shit, EXH is a deadbeat who doesn’t work/pay maintenance and is pretty rubbish all round, but I didn’t make the border rules?! DH does an awful lot for DC so I understand that it feels stupid but he’s been very very cold to me today (bear in mind I’m quite pregnant) and has said some pretty hurtful things about the situation tonight. AIBU for getting the letter?

@SummedupnicelyI know but I don’t have a residency order as it’s just what we’ve arranged.

I took my DC abroad many times without a letter pre-Brexit (same surname) but times have changed. Does your DH really want to choose this hill to die on?

All the people that have been stopped travelling with their child alone and had to show permission, how on earth can that work for a single parent? My daughter’s dad isn’t even on her birth certificate and has never met her - it isn’t common practice to bring your child’s birth certificate on holiday so what would I do? I’m her only parent!

I don’t understand why he would even risk travelling and then being turned around at the border 🤨 A weird pride thing maybe? 🤔 Either way, very odd.
My exH does the bare minimum, but when we travelled he provided me with a letter stating I had his agreement to take the DC’s out of the country. I travelled with the DC’s birth certificates and that letter in my hand luggage just in case. I wasn’t asked for any extra documents except their passports, but either way 🤷🏻‍♀️ Better to have all that stuff and not need it than need it and not have it and end up with a ruined holiday and upset DCs!

@Seasonofthesticksif he’s not on the birth certificate, I don’t think it applies as long as you show it. Single mums with estranged fathers encounter some problems sometimes.

Do the letters have to be court ordered? Isn’t a letter with the others parents approval / details enough ?

At best he’s an idiot. This is something that could get you stopped at border control, I know it’s frustrating but it’s also the legal position. I can’t understand why such a minor thing - given you’ve pretty straightforwardly obtained the consent letter - has become such a major issue.

he said that he will go but I’ve ruined it

I'm sorry but there are some serious red flags here. Intense displacement of frustration onto you when any reasonable person can see this situation is NOT your fault is a strong sign of him having abusive character traits and very poor reasoning and emotional regulation.

This is absolutely not something worth making a fuss about let alone sulking and berating you. Totally disproportionate and irrational.

Your H sounds horrible. And stupid. He only has to google to see that the letter IS required.

It is usually only an issue when the child has a different surname to the parent.

I was divorced and was never asked to show any letters.

What’s he even upset about? It’s not like you invented this system is it?

What exactly is “the letter”? Just a handwritten note and a squiggle under? Surely if l want to smuggle children abroad I would fake that “letter” without any problems? I have never heard of “the letter” but have a different surname to my children and always show their birth certificate when asked and have had zero issues. Travelled alone with one child nearly 10 times in Europe.

This is absolutely awful. I think I would be furious at him for this response. You have taken a sensible precaution which affects him in no way whatsoever and he is illogically declaring that the holiday is now ruined? Entirely of his own making. He is solely ruining it for himself. I think he needs a proper bollocking for this attitude. I have got NO PATIENCE with the “now you’ve ruined it” brigade. Tell him to go away and figure out what really is the actual problem and come back when he understands enough about himself and his insecurities to discuss it.

I’ve been abroad with my DS (diff surname) and was stopped on the way back in. Showed them the letter and his birth certificate and they were fine. As a PP has said, it’s one of those things you pack and hope you don’t need but it’s better to be prepared.

Your ‘D’H is an abusive prick, he can’t blame the governments rules on you and you certainly have not ruined anything, he sounds like an oversized toddler throwing toys out of the pram and sulking.

Personally, I’d remind him that it’s HIM who is ruining things and he needs to grow the fuck up and get a grip.

has said some pretty hurtful things about the situation tonight

Such as?

Did you also ruin the holiday by taking out travel insurance, or planning to pack a spare tshirt? Packing plasters in case anyone falls over? Ensuring that everyone has an in date passport? Booking a flight more than a week in advance?

Maybe the letter secretly says in code “the man travelling with these children is a big pretend fake dad and this proves that his wife once slept with someone else before she met him, and occasionally has to speak with this other man regarding their joint children, which only proves she puts her ex first all the time”.

Yes you are right..they might not ask for it.. but they did me.. when my daughters were little all 3 of us had different surnames and l got letters from both their Dads.
Now my daughter divorced her husband and he gave her a letter for her son and they check each time she goes abroad.

Is he also usually rational and willing to have adult conversations about fairly basic realities?

Between this and the SIL Mother’s Day thread, I’m reading about a lot of batshit behaviour today.

1. your kids aren’t his kids. Yes it’s great he supports them and is a lovely step dad, but he can’t change reality. Having a problem with the kids dad isn’t great for the kids is it - how does that make them feel, stuck in the middle?

2. he’s willing to make his heavily pregnant wife feel like shit ahead of what could be a great holiday, nice one. What kind of person does that? To you and to the kids.

He’s not right. Of course both parents need to authorise children leaving the country, how would you both like it if their dad took them away without telling you? It’s a rule for a reason and he needs to respect that.

@ForZanyAquaViewerusually, yes.

My passport is in my work/ maiden name… I used to travel a lot to Ireland without my husband (I’m Irish, live in England) when kids were preschool age.

Twice I have been challenged for permission at immigration customs. First occasions was with my oldest who was 2; passport control guy explained I could be travelling/ have kidnapped anyone. I held my son up saying ‘could I be anyone other than his mother??’ (We are very physically similar); he laughed and let me through.

Second time- I was invited into a room in Dublin to wait whilst they phoned my husband (a surgeon, so it took him 4 hours to get the message to call back 🤦‍♀️) before they would let me travel onward with kids.

Ever since, when I travel with my kids alone, I have my marriage certificate (with my maiden/ passport name) and the kids short birth Certs. I’ve never needed a letter from him with permission to travel though.

I realise this is not the same situation but my advice would be to jump through the hoops and take all the documentation, there’s literally no point in making life more potentially difficult for yourselves.

Yes it’s annoying… but the system is there to stop one parent running away from the country (not uncommon) without the consent of the other parent.

its nothing personal. It’s a safeguarding protection. Your partner needs to accept the system is not a personal judgement on him.

This is what I think too.

I completely agree with this.

He is not your master, and you should be able to discuss these things with him in a calm and rational manner.

I wonder why he’s being so odd about this… surely it’s just a piece of admin that you need to make your trip go smoother… it’s hardly the end of the world.

Unless he’s looking for a reason to spoil it.