Am I in the wrong or DH?

[sadnessfairy]

DH and I usually have an amazing relationship. Really lovely and easy. DH is the stepfather to my two DC and we’re expecting our own (and only) baby in June.

LasT year, we booked Disneyland Paris for this Easter break before I was pregnant (and we weren’t trying). A few months ago, I joined some of the Disney Facebook groups to plan our trip and saw that some people have been stopped at the French border for travelling with DC without other parent and are expected to provide a letter from the other parent saying that they have permission to leave the country with DC. When I told DH this, he went mad saying it was ridiculous, I’m their mum etc (I’m the resident parent, DC go to EXH EOW). He was so against it in principle and he said don’t ask him for a letter as it’s ridiculous. He’s taken his kids abroad (pre brexit, they’re grown ups now) but did have the same surname as them whereas I don’t. EXH just had the kids at the weekend and messaged me offering a letter unprompted. I told DH and he said we won’t need it and it’s pointless but ‘do what you want’. I opted for it as it’ll be me that gets questioned if we are and I have anxiety which obviously DH knows about and it just seems better to have it than not. When the kids came home yesterday with it, DH went into a foul mood which he’s still in and now doesn’t want to go (it’s in 2 weeks) and feels I’ve ruined it etc because of the principle; I agree that the principle is shit, EXH is a deadbeat who doesn’t work/pay maintenance and is pretty rubbish all round, but I didn’t make the border rules?! DH does an awful lot for DC so I understand that it feels stupid but he’s been very very cold to me today (bear in mind I’m quite pregnant) and has said some pretty hurtful things about the situation tonight. AIBU for getting the letter?

He's incredibly unreasonable. Is this really someone you want to go anywhere with? Doesn't sound like an amazing relationship at all.

Em, he sounds like a total idiot and also a dickhead?

I get where's he's coming from and why he would be annoyed at the principle etc and especially if he is the one raising the children when their own father is a deadbeat...but it's only a bit of paper that might well be needed. What if you get there and can't take the children because of it , he's being utterly ridiculous

is he trying to manoeuvre the children’s dad out of the picture?

He’s not very appealing or bright if he’s getting that upset about a letter,

i bet he wouldn’t sulk and carry on with the French officials if op was stopped, saying that he’d probably blame her

@Freshflowerthis is it; I agree with him in principle but it’s the rules which are out of my control.

1. he sounds generally utterly awful so no idea why you are speeding over that
2. OF COURSE you can’t take children out of a country without the consent of both parents
3. it would be unusual if this was a complete one off for this sulking aggressive bully
4. it is strange and worrying that you need to ask who is right here. ‘Hi everyone I’m following the law and my husband has kicked off and started being aggressive and petulant about it. Is he right’ well. Obviously. No.

I agree. Threatening not to go on holiday is abusive. Keep your passports in a safe place.

Is he much older than you op?

You might need it and their birth certificate- I was advised by border officials that the letter alone wasn’t really enough. (This was on our way back in rather than on our way out of UK or into France, mind 🙄)

it is incredibly sexist and unfair with the naming rules in society, as inevitably it’s the mother who is unfairly penalised and made to carry additional documents. But it is what it is and on your way to holiday isn’t the time to start that fight.

Good luck- you’re in the right even though the situation sucks.

Of course you need the letter, dh is being ridiculous. You are not allowed to take your children out of the country without permission (from the other parent or a court). As much as your dh may think it’s not right, it’s the law. Why would he jeopardise your holiday by not being prepared.

I have travelled once with my child on my own and they did ask to see the permission.

Sorry to drip feed, but he said that he will go but I’ve ruined it and he no longer WANTS to go, but he will for the DC.

“DH, stop being a fuckwit. This is border control, the “principle” will get us nowhere. Write to your MP if you want to but stop taking it out on me. Or we will go without you (and have a lovely time without you grumping)”.

@arethereanyleftatall no, same age (well, 2 years older).

He's making it all about him and some weird male pride. No one is above the law.

What do you think of the multiple posters calling this behaviour abuse?

How could you be unreasonable to get the letter if your children's other parent offered it without being asked? Of COURSE take it; why wouldn't you? You may or may not need it - sometimes you'll be asked, sometimes not - but it would be crazy not to take it when it's so easy to get. The fact that you CAN legitimately be asked, and people are asked, means it's a real concern. Anecdotal experiences like your husband's are useless, especially since they're years ago. Always go by the official guidance. If you ARE asked, having it will save you time and potentially quite a bit of trouble, up to and including possibly being turned back.

Also, it's really completely your decision and none of your husband's business. It's weird and kind of concerning that he's so angry about this.

Oh wow. Throw this one back, op. That is ridiculous behaviour. How long have you been together? How long married?

Make sure you also take your children’s birth certificate

@arethereanyleftatallthank you for your points, they’re helpful for my mind.

Ooh that's big of him.

Are you worshipping at his feet?

If you don't need the letter you'll probably never hear the end of it.

What a thoroughly horrible man.

Youre definitely not unreasonable, its odd that your DH is so mad about it

I was stopped at border control in France - my DD has a different surname.

YANBU

It happened to my family once; I had to stay behind and care for an ill family member and my husband took the kids (as planned) on holiday with another family. As they crossed the border, officials took him aside and questioned him-finally they settled for calling me and getting my verbal OK. It was very stressful. They told him next time to have a letter!

@HygerTygeryes, I don’t understand it.

I’mmnot sure, like I said we usually have a lovely relationship and DH is usually very caring.

What an idiot! If you got stopped with no letter that WOULD ruin the holiday! That said I've never been asked to produce a letter and have been abroad many times. It is written into some child arrangement orders that RP can take DC abroad I believe if you have one of those.

@OfficerChurlishthat’s exactly how I felt logic wise.