Am I in the wrong or DH?

[sadnessfairy]

DH and I usually have an amazing relationship. Really lovely and easy. DH is the stepfather to my two DC and we’re expecting our own (and only) baby in June.

LasT year, we booked Disneyland Paris for this Easter break before I was pregnant (and we weren’t trying). A few months ago, I joined some of the Disney Facebook groups to plan our trip and saw that some people have been stopped at the French border for travelling with DC without other parent and are expected to provide a letter from the other parent saying that they have permission to leave the country with DC. When I told DH this, he went mad saying it was ridiculous, I’m their mum etc (I’m the resident parent, DC go to EXH EOW). He was so against it in principle and he said don’t ask him for a letter as it’s ridiculous. He’s taken his kids abroad (pre brexit, they’re grown ups now) but did have the same surname as them whereas I don’t. EXH just had the kids at the weekend and messaged me offering a letter unprompted. I told DH and he said we won’t need it and it’s pointless but ‘do what you want’. I opted for it as it’ll be me that gets questioned if we are and I have anxiety which obviously DH knows about and it just seems better to have it than not. When the kids came home yesterday with it, DH went into a foul mood which he’s still in and now doesn’t want to go (it’s in 2 weeks) and feels I’ve ruined it etc because of the principle; I agree that the principle is shit, EXH is a deadbeat who doesn’t work/pay maintenance and is pretty rubbish all round, but I didn’t make the border rules?! DH does an awful lot for DC so I understand that it feels stupid but he’s been very very cold to me today (bear in mind I’m quite pregnant) and has said some pretty hurtful things about the situation tonight. AIBU for getting the letter?

It is a stupid rule that makes little sense, but protesting about it at the border isn't going to get you through! My eldest has been on holiday with ex and ex mil no problem because they all have the same name, despite the fact he has only ever seen his dad max every other weekend. I always travelled with his birth certificate and a letter from his dad just in case. I was never stopped when flying, but was when we took the ferry to Holland when DS was 15! It definitely irks me because I have been the one raising him for the last 17 years, but it's not like my ex invented the rule to annoy me, it's just box ticking.

Border Force have enough to do without having to engage in moral debates with citizens. Be pleased these rules exist for all the poor kids that need them and a little inconvenience for you protects others.

His behaviour is one motherfucker of a red flag @sadnessfairy, you know that don’t you?

This is such a minor thing, that in no way affects him at all for him to get worked up about. I don't understand how he can not see that he is being a massive twat.

It sounds like he thinks you’ve disobeyed him by getting the letter.

This.

He'd be even more pissed off if you got stopped.

Unfortunately you ARE legally required to have written permission from all people with parental responsibility to take kids out of the country. Despite what no doubt plenty of posters here will write to the contrary, or tell you 'ive never been stopped'. Best to be legal than sorry.

Your dh IBU

Ask your partner what he proposes if you get stopped at the boarder without a letter? Is he planning on going by himself, because you and your children wouldn't be able to continue with the journey. You all go home again?!!! His argument is pointless and ridiculous. It doesn't matter if he agrees with the rules or not, they are the rules and you have no choice but to adhere to them! I suspect this is more to do with the fact that he does more for your children than their Dad, yet it's their Dad who has to give permission for your children to go!! Again, not your fault, it is what it is!

That is how it smells. And that's worrying.

Yes, he's sweet and kind and all that normally. But now you've defied him, he's not. It might be important to him that he is treated as their father. But he's not. And the logic appears to have been, 'she must join me in my denial or be punished'.

How you handle this is important. He doesn't want to talk about it. That doesn't mean you can't. And my message to him would be, "you can ruin this holiday for yourself if you want. But you will not ruin it for me. Your pregnant partner. Decide if you will be able to plaster a smile on and behave kindly, or we will need to cancel and I won't be forgiving you for that."

Its just like insurance, something you have to be safe but hope you never have to use
I ahve no idea why your H is being a Dick about it, it would worry me that its now the start of something now you are PG

This is the real issue. If your dh is a grown man he ought to be able to manage his big emotions and not act out like a toddler and attack you because he has sad/mixed up feels.

Its not surprising that he has some negative feelings about ex H getting to “call the shots” while failing to parent the two dc. But that is no excuse for sulking and abusing the dc’s MOTHER, his own WIFE snd the pregnant mother if his own child. That is obviously an absurd exercise in wounded vanity and is quite cruel and unhealthy.

Perhaps other posters leaping to the word “abusive” has alarmed the OP but I would urge her to take their viewpoint seriously.

He is displaying a frightening level of selfish, thoughtless, pointless, cruelty towards the OP. Only her gratitude towards him for not being as bad or overtly neglectful as her ex has blinded her to the fact that the current DH’s behavior is really, really, inexcusable.

You seem to be in denial OP and aren't addressing that people are concerned it's abusive behaviour.

What a bizarre thing to get angry about. I assume this is out of character? Does he have any mental health conditions?

@Sassybookloverhe just refuses to believe that if I have their birth certificates and I’m their mother that there’s a possibility that it will be an issue despite me showing him the gov link months ago. It’s honestly like he cannot conceive it and therefore it can’t happen.

@lazycatsno mental health conditions.

Just don’t argue with him about it. Just take the letter. Either they ask you in which case you have it available and DH will see for himself, or they don’t . All good either way.

Is he like that a lot?

I remember once travelling with my parents and we were all on the same passport Mum and Dad had pictures and I was simply named on it and we were held for an hour in the Bahamas who weren’t used to such things when they were asking if I really was their child! It was quite traumatic. And odd now looking back

but it definitely can happen

@TandoraI’m not arguing with him about it but he’s still being off with me, although I’m not making an effort to speak to him as I’m still upset with how he treated me yesterday.

no @Tiswa, this isn’t normal behaviour for him.

FYI. I have a different surname to my eldest. Her surname was hyphenated as her father died when I was pregnant. Im now married so have a completely different surname to her. I have been abroad to France several times with her and never been asked for any documentation. I still always take her birth certificate, my marriage certificate and her father's death certificate just in case. That said, he still shouldn't be taking it personally. The rules are there to protect children not to make a dig at anyone.

Oh well that's big of him, the mardy twat.

He must be so insecure if he is jealous of your deadbeat ex-husband. This should be such a happy time as you are having a baby together but he is ruining it with his childish and unfair behaviour.

1. Make sure the baby has your surname so you don't have this issue in future.
2. make a note of how he continues to treat you. Dont hide things from your mw. Abuse starts in pregnancy. It is worth being aware of that.

how long have you been married?

My friend’s partner died when their DD was 6months old. The DD has his last name - my friend was asked for information relating to her partner when she travelled last year to Italy (their DD is now 15). She has always carried a copy of the death certificate with her - just in case.

I do agree with other posters - please do not let him minimalise his behaviour and please look out for any escalations. Abuse can start during pregnancy.

What if you decide to go on holiday again in the future and you need another letter? Will you have to brace yourself for another repeat performance from him? What absolutely hideous behaviour.

@sadnessfairy I wish I could be kinder than this, but I truly think you are living with delusion if you think your relationship is generally good.

Unless you have put the wrong slant on the goings-on you've described, I'd say you are not living with a prince-among-men. He sounds like a petulant, self-righteous tw@t.

He could well be just one or two disagreements away from a eruptive situation.

Please rethink your relationship. Are you sure he's invested in you? Are all the signs there that he's also deeply invested in the new baby?