Am I in the wrong or DH?

[sadnessfairy]

DH and I usually have an amazing relationship. Really lovely and easy. DH is the stepfather to my two DC and we’re expecting our own (and only) baby in June.

LasT year, we booked Disneyland Paris for this Easter break before I was pregnant (and we weren’t trying). A few months ago, I joined some of the Disney Facebook groups to plan our trip and saw that some people have been stopped at the French border for travelling with DC without other parent and are expected to provide a letter from the other parent saying that they have permission to leave the country with DC. When I told DH this, he went mad saying it was ridiculous, I’m their mum etc (I’m the resident parent, DC go to EXH EOW). He was so against it in principle and he said don’t ask him for a letter as it’s ridiculous. He’s taken his kids abroad (pre brexit, they’re grown ups now) but did have the same surname as them whereas I don’t. EXH just had the kids at the weekend and messaged me offering a letter unprompted. I told DH and he said we won’t need it and it’s pointless but ‘do what you want’. I opted for it as it’ll be me that gets questioned if we are and I have anxiety which obviously DH knows about and it just seems better to have it than not. When the kids came home yesterday with it, DH went into a foul mood which he’s still in and now doesn’t want to go (it’s in 2 weeks) and feels I’ve ruined it etc because of the principle; I agree that the principle is shit, EXH is a deadbeat who doesn’t work/pay maintenance and is pretty rubbish all round, but I didn’t make the border rules?! DH does an awful lot for DC so I understand that it feels stupid but he’s been very very cold to me today (bear in mind I’m quite pregnant) and has said some pretty hurtful things about the situation tonight. AIBU for getting the letter?

Then you show the birth certificate to show that

Not everything is abuse but telling someone they ruined your holiday (before you’ve even gone on it) for doing something that in no way concerns you, and punishing them by sulking and berating them over multiple days is unquestionably abuse.

They often are until you're pregnant and trapped.

I’d say caution flags are being raised given his reaction.

It may be that he is overreacting because he has been in denial about his situation. He is having his first child. It sounds like he is a father figure to your children. Having to get permission from your ex reminds him that he is never going to have an independent nuclear family. Your ex is always going to be there on the periphery. He might need to get some therapy to help him work through his feelings on this issue.

I guess maybe he got offended if he feels he's like a father to your children, however you need to be prepared if this could happen so he's being a dick (although I'm sure it's from a place of hurt). And it's good that this does happen at borders!

What a nasty piece of work. I'd tell him to fix his attitude, and do a 180, or else he can go on the holiday alone and you'll file for divorce. He has no respect for the rule of law and no understanding of what being held at the border could do. What we he do then, blame your ex for that too? He said you won't need it? Is he fucking stupid? Does he normally disregard rules right in front of his fucking face? What is he playing at? He really is a nasty piece of work and I would not be acting nice to him until he apologises. It is him that has ruined it, not you. Tell him that. He said hurtful things, well I'd say to him 'If I knew what type of person you'd turn out to be, I wouldn't have got pregnant to you'. (or married you). You should be demanding a grovelling apology.

Then it is very unlikely to be an issue. Certainly in my case their antennae were raised because we have different surnames (this is why I say it’s sexist, because the patronymic system will impact on women more than men).

The problem is that you’re very unlikely to be asked and when you’re not he will be even worse.

“look I TOLD YOU that you didn’t need it, you’ve ruined this trip etc etc”

he will use not being asked as proof he was right

@LaurieFairyCakeyes I know, the likelihood is rather small

@TheGentleOpalMemberthis is what I thought re border control and wanted to avoid that. I’m not making empty threats as they’re that, empty. But I’m really upset right now.

@Tbrhyes I imagine that’s it, but I’ve been made to feel as if I’ve done something terrible.

I hope he does @AboogaBoogaand yes, the principle is rubbish, but I’m more upset this morning (he’s not up yet) because I’m being treated like I’ve done something really awful.

My dgs has the same surname as me and dh but we always have a letter when we take him to another country on holiday.
This year my dn is flying with him and she will be given a letter.

It’s just basic common sense.

I can't understand why he's taking this out on you.

I can't really understand why he's so angry/annoyed about a border control measure that is in place to keep children safe - it's not a personal attack!

Firstly telling you not to get the letter was bloody weird. But getting angry that their dad did provide it - what the fuck?

Please evaluate this relationship because I'm willing to bet my house that this 'lovely' man has other red flags.

His reaction really isn't normal. At all.

Then it is not an issue for you.

this problem arises when there are children travelling with an adult with a different surname to them.

it is a completely sensible safeguarding procedure.

Kids still are kidnapped aren't they so I wonder how these letters or a phone call are verified?

My kids were on my passport initially so that's going back a bit!

I didn’t say it wasn’t - further up thread a few posters have said that they have been stopped even with having the same surname and asked for evidence.

tje real issue now is that he is punishing you and you don’t feel you have a voice to say anything.

You made the right call and now are being treated terribly

As everyone says, you have done absolutely nothing wrong I would also say the principle is not rubbish either. Border control can’t possibly judge who is/isn’t a deserving parent on an individual basis. I’m sure you would want that protection if your deadbeat ex decided to take the kids abroad (permanently?) without your permission. It’s a blunt instrument and yes, gives undeserved power to some deadbeats or abusers, but equally offers some protection from these people kidnapping children.

your DH needs to grow up. People are saying his behaviour is abusive, because he is making his out of place emotions your problem, blaming you for something that’s not your fault, giving you the silent treatment, refusing to take responsibility for his own emotions, making your life miserable, all while you are heavily pregnant and have done nothing wrong.

if this is truly a one off, then let’s hope he snaps out of it and apologises very quickly…. But do have a think…. Is it really a one off? Or does he actually do this as a pattern? It’s unusual that a decent, balanced guy suddenly does this….

When I was asked they did so before even looking in the passports so not based on surnames but the fact as I was alone.

It is likely to be different I guess if the op is there with a man as they probably assume he is the father.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2I doubt it, given that they have EXH’a surname, I have my maiden name and DH has his name.

You keep bringing up that the principle is rubbish. Don’t get me wrong it’s annoying but it’s good that they are putting things in place to stop children being kidnapped (that includes by one of their parents).

Sorry I mean that they probably won’t ask you straight away. As soon as I walked up to the passport desk on my own with a child they asked for the permission before even opening the passports. When my husband is with me that doesn’t happen so presumably then it is more the surname that will trigger it.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2I totally agree, I mean it feels rubbish for DH which I empathise with but they’re important for sure.