Am I in the wrong or DH?

[sadnessfairy]

DH and I usually have an amazing relationship. Really lovely and easy. DH is the stepfather to my two DC and we’re expecting our own (and only) baby in June.

LasT year, we booked Disneyland Paris for this Easter break before I was pregnant (and we weren’t trying). A few months ago, I joined some of the Disney Facebook groups to plan our trip and saw that some people have been stopped at the French border for travelling with DC without other parent and are expected to provide a letter from the other parent saying that they have permission to leave the country with DC. When I told DH this, he went mad saying it was ridiculous, I’m their mum etc (I’m the resident parent, DC go to EXH EOW). He was so against it in principle and he said don’t ask him for a letter as it’s ridiculous. He’s taken his kids abroad (pre brexit, they’re grown ups now) but did have the same surname as them whereas I don’t. EXH just had the kids at the weekend and messaged me offering a letter unprompted. I told DH and he said we won’t need it and it’s pointless but ‘do what you want’. I opted for it as it’ll be me that gets questioned if we are and I have anxiety which obviously DH knows about and it just seems better to have it than not. When the kids came home yesterday with it, DH went into a foul mood which he’s still in and now doesn’t want to go (it’s in 2 weeks) and feels I’ve ruined it etc because of the principle; I agree that the principle is shit, EXH is a deadbeat who doesn’t work/pay maintenance and is pretty rubbish all round, but I didn’t make the border rules?! DH does an awful lot for DC so I understand that it feels stupid but he’s been very very cold to me today (bear in mind I’m quite pregnant) and has said some pretty hurtful things about the situation tonight. AIBU for getting the letter?

Be careful op…. If he has been nice up to now and has changed while you are pregnant he may be abusive.

this happened to me. Lovely man. Great with my children. We were together 9 years… had a baby and everything changed… funnily enough it first came out over a holiday too… I am still in disbelief about it all really… I was in denial for a couple of years.

keep your eyes open and don’t just get used to it/excuse it.

he is being completely unreasonable and unless he can come up with some rational explanation it looks like he is just trying to hurt you…

So he’s punishing you for your ex being useless? If your ex was a better dad he would be fine about getting the letter? And you (and your children) are just collateral damage during all this dick swinging?

If he's not involved to the point where he's never even met her, why on earth did you give her his surname?

The letter sounds like a red herring, is he angry you have contact with your ex?

Exactly this. While his behaviour is obviously ridiculous and petulant, it sounds like this has triggered something for him, where he feels resentful of your ex because while he’s stepping up for your kids in practice, your ex still “calls the shots” so to speak. Although it’s silly, I can understand how his feelings might be difficult and complicated; it’s not easy to be a step parent. I’d give him some grace.
It’s highly unlikely you will need the letter in practice but good that you have it just in case. I’d not bring in up anymore and just keep it with you on the off chance you need it- no need to give it so much focus and attention especially if it’s upsetting your DH

THIS!

my daughter has my surname

So the OP’s husband can upset his heavily pregnant wife as much as he likes but she can’t have a conversation with him about it because of his big big feelings?

I genuinely despair at what some women are prepared to put up with.

Christ, what a whiny baby. Of course he's wrong (and if there's any uncertainty better to have an unnecessary letter than be turned back at the border surely) but to ruin the run-up to the holiday by moping around because his feelings have been hurt is absolutely outrageous.

Yes it's tough being reminded that you're a step-parent but he's a big boy and he needs to handle his feelings in an age-appropriate way. Border forces don't operate on wishful thinking or who loves the kids the most.

If you didn't have it and you were turned back, your travel insurance surely wouldn't pay out as it'd be due to negligence on your part. I hope your DH gets over himself by the time you go on the trip!

He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore so I guess I’ll just have to wait for him to get over it. Hopefully that’ll be before we go as I can’t physically take them myself. Glad to know that IANBU and I’m really grateful for the replies.

On the PGP get some physio- www.pelvicpartnership.org.uk has a lost of recommended practitioners. Made a massive difference to me at 34 weeks. Your DH is being an arse

In that case if you were to travel with your child's birth certificate, proving that the father isn't even on it, I feel sure that would be sufficient proof, to allow you to continue your journey.

I don't even understand what his problem is. If he's got the arse because you have children by someone else, I would have thought he would have noticed that by now. How does refusing a letter from him make that any better, it just makes it more likely you'll be detained and more attention well be drawn to the fact that you have another man's children <gasp>

I got stopped in Trieste airport with my toddler son and quizzed about having different surname, did his father give permission, where was the father. Luckily he was elsewhere in the airport (I had been called through for a random baggage search) and they summoned him on the loudspeaker. The punchline is that our kids have double barrelled surname so he even had my name as part of his and it still wasnt good enough!

Did I say that? I certainly didn’t intend to.
I think OP DH’s feelings of resentment to the ex are understandable, and obviously have been triggered by this letter.
While his behaviour is ridiculous, I don’t really see the need to make a bigger deal out of the situation than it needs to be. Op has the letter and is unlikely to need it in practice , but she’s got it just in case. Don’t see any need to dwell further on it. That’s all.
It’s not easy being a step parent and I think it’s ok to give a little grace for the complex feelings that are involved, especially if he is stepping up and being there for her kids in a way that their actual dad doesn’t. I don’t think it’s very mature or fair to belittle / mock them by calling them “big big feelings” . I thought we were done with mocking/ shaming men for having perfectly human emotions?

So he has shouted at the OP, sulked, refused to talk and said that he now doesn’t want to go on the holiday and you think the OP should give him grace?

Please raise your bar a bit as that behaviour is completely unacceptable.

This completely sums it up

Sorry, very tired and not really very well, probably should stop posting!! 😊

Very sensible, and I don't know why more women don't do this. It used to be the norm it should have stayed that way.

Yes the behaviour is unacceptable (as Ive said repeatedly) but the feelings are understandable.

Theres nothing wrong with my bar but thank you for your advice.

That’s really fucking weird of him to react like that. I took DD on holiday about 4 times (different surname to mine) and we were only ever questioned coming back into the UK. I had made EXP sign a document giving permission and got it notarised as he was often an arse. Every time I offered to show it and the CAO stating that she lives with me but all they did was ask her who my DM was (“My Nan”) and who I was (“My Mummy) they said they didn’t need to see any documents.

Also, DD has had an absent “DF” for over five years now so I’m counting down the days until she’s 16 (currently 13) to change her surname to mine by deed poll!

This.

OP, he’ll get over it. It sounds like an ego thing, and even you can agree that it’s frustrating based on principle alone. Sulking isn’t a great reaction but we don’t all react perfectly and maturely when we’re upset. Sometimes we react first and think later. If this is truly a one off and out of character for him, then just give him a couple days to snap out of it.

Don’t listen to the vultures on here. Not everything is abuse. Someone said to throw this one back as if you’re not pregnant and married. So people on here are so far removed from the situation, that it’s just morbid entertainment for them. Only you know what your husband and marriage is normally like.

Have you seen the update from the OP where she says he says SHE has ruined the holiday? But of course, heavily pregnant, she mustn’t upset him. I cannot believe some of the comments I read on here sometimes.

OP saying that you have ruined the holiday for him now is a huge red flag. You’ve done nothing wrong and he’s an immature prick. Watch out.

These “vultures”, me included I assume, are likely actually just women who have been in abusive situations before and recognise the potential warning signs. Of course no one truly knows the marriage and relationship apart from the OP, but we can only go off what she tells us. I really don’t think most people on here are telling her to leave him for pure entertainment value.

Is it an “ego thing” that he has now declared that his pregnant wife has now ruined the holiday? He’s an arsehole.

Your husband is 100% wrong

my country requires both parents appear in person to even issue the passport. If that truly isn’t possible you have to provide proof as to why. The alternative is to go to court and get permission for a passport but the deadbeat parent can choose to show up to fight it.

the letter for the trip is a tiny annoyance to try to keep children from being kidnapped. It’s not super effective since it is so easily faked, but it’s something.

I’d also agree that he is using this as an excuse to test the waters for how much abuse you’ll take. You are pregnant and therefore tied to him now. Whatever you do don’t go creeping round him to keep the peace, the bullying will escalate.