Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

See that big flag ? It is red and in fact it is RED

The thing is I’m in my 30s, have been in the relationship a while and feel invested. I feel like I should give it a trial run if we can agree reasonable rules.

On the other hand I was a happy single woman before this.

My favourite response so far. This hormonal legend has nailed it.

He’s ND.

That doesn’t make the rules any easier for op, but it does change how she needs to respond to them. It’s a bit more unfair to just say he’s being unreasonable.

Enjoy a relationship without ever living together, I've never lived with a bf, couldn't bear the thought of a man in my personal space all the bloody time.

Those who say "He can offer to fix the light fitting", would you say the same if the solution was reversed? Would you offer your male partner some help to iron their shirts because you've noticed they're creased? I know I wouldn't.

I'm with him. Nothing wrong with your standards. but he obviously doesn't have the same. You're just not compatible.

Did you not know we all audition? Is it a surprise for you that everyone with an ounce of sense thinks - is he good enough to be my children's father? Is she good enough to be my future children's mum? When choosing a spouse, people sometimes look further than that - they look at the parents, their state of mental and other health, etc. Stupid as I was, even I realised that - and there were no dishes dripping overnight, no unfixed things. Sure enough, as soon as we got married, I stopped faking an interest in racing and he confessed he did not like Lieder, but we tried to be on our best behaviour when courting, thus demonstrating the seriousness of intent. And we try even now, not to trigger each other with things that we unacceptable in our respective families before we married, too boring to name.

Then don't live with him, why is it so hard to get?

Drop kick this nutty control freak out the window!

This whole conversation started because we are deciding to have kids or not and feel we need to live together way before we can reach that stage. I said I was on the fence but want to keep the kids option on the table, he now says he wants to.

Now I almost regret saying anything even if it meant just living apart without kids. The relationship was perfect before. The genie is out of the bottle.

Do what you think is best and don't rush into something you’l
later regret. I do hope it works out for you.

So dishes. My mum insisted on drying them straight away but they never get dry do they?
It is actually far better to leave them on the dish drainer to dry properly than using a tea towel.
He sounds like hard bloody work.

I like a nice clean and tidy kitchen every night. It makes me happy and relaxed. Luckily, DH is the same.

Genies have to come out of bottles op. And the longer they are cooped up the crosser they are when they finally emerge.

Classic Triangulation, comparing you to an ex who did/didn't do this or that.

When someone tells you who they are - listen.

Run.

If it bothered you enough that you were considering breaking up over it would you not offer to help? This has nothing to do with the sex of the parties it has to do with the way they each regard the idea of sharing space and chores/life.

Honestly, OP, run don’t walk away from this relationship. What you can see is that mr ok sex/neat freak is fine for a part time relationship (long distance dating and sex) but doesn’t have the EQ for extended intimacy and round the clock interdependence. Its not right or wrong. It just is. To the extent the dating phase is an audition for living together he thinks you failed. He didn’t think “oh great I get to move in and share wealth and woe and dish putting away. There’s a light switch I’ve just been aching to fix!” Instead he started fault finding snd acting like he ordered a better dish and got served a substandard version and now wants the meal comped.

The dishes are clean!

See you can see even just on this thread that people are divided over this though, showing he is not the only one who feels this way.

Some people aren’t bothered about clean dishes left out overnight, some people would see the dishes being out- even clean ones- as a messy kitchen.

Oh no! Please don’t fall into the sunken cost fallacy. I’ve been there myself. This is just one huge giant red flag of a situation.

Sirens are blaring here that this is a recipe for a disaster, or at least some unhappy and uncomfortable years living together where you waste even more time. You make your own choices in this life, but I really would advise against it. You’re not compatible.

Absolutely. I hope OP listens to this.

If not OP, update us all in a few years (months) time and hopefully prove us wrong. But I can’t see it.

I wouldn't want someone who leaves dishes out over night or does not mend things as I do things like the boyfriend. However I would be wanting things like a pre nup or co habitation agreement and probably not wanting to move in until married and both committed to having children - more important things than dishes.

I think he's being sensible. I think you are likely not compatible. He's not going to change, but nor should you. I wonder if he was likely uncompromising and critical in his marriage and may underestimate how much he contributed to the break up. But I do kind of hope you can talk it through and road test it - the crucial bit being how he acts on your needs in the relationship. Be really specific and detailed - do it in his style.

@GlorificusT The bigger picture is:

He saw that you were struggling with the light switch issue whilst sorting out other things - and he didn't think to offer to help alleviate this for you?

Doesn't seem like a good one to live with.

Imagine when you have babies or young kids, exhausted from childbirth, etc ...and there he'll be nit picking everything isn't perfect?

He ain't seen nothing yet if he's worried about dishes drying on the rack unattended...

He is showing you that he prefers to live alone - so let him.

Doesn’t come across like that though. This isn’t someone willing to compromise and find a middle ground. He wants to make sure that OP does it all his way. I couldn’t live with someone that uptight.

Nothing wrong with leaving dishes to air dry. More hygienic. Doesn’t mean they’ll be there for months.