Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

That would be a no from me 😂

I couldn't live with someone who couldnt cope with a few dishes not being put away.

Why?

We sometimes stay together for 1-2 weeks. We both cook, tidy and clean during this time.

Tbh my home is probably cleaner than his. I don’t think the difference is stark so im surprised by this honestly.

I don’t see why he’s getting a hard time.

You say, ‘Wanna live together?’

He says, ‘Hm - these things would drive me up the wall. Could you change them?’

You say, ‘Fuck off - no. You’re lucky to have me.’

He says, ‘No, then.’

Seems very sensible to me. Better than
shacking up and finding out.

Maybe you two do a holiday two weeks self catering and see how it goes.
If one person likes to leave laundry out to dry and one person only likes dryer, see if this is something that one is willing to change or the other can learn to tolerate.
I could pick up new rules or habits for a partner I really loved - eg I often leave clothes that are worn but not dirty on a chair. If someone really hated this and it made them stressed I could agree to hang them or put them back In drawers. But I'd expect him to be willing to do my rules like putting the loo seat down or always replacing loo roll etc

Just tell him you don’t think you could live with him cos he dries up without hot-ironing the tea towels first op. It’ll blow his mind 🤯

I feel like the fact he is on the spectrum is a massive bit of context that you've missed from the original post. To someone completely neuro typical, leaving dishes to dry over night and not putting them away is something small but to someone neurodivergent, this kind of thing can be massive. It may be pert of his routine that he can't digress from because of his ND or it could be some form of OCD. Pretty crucial bit to leave out. I think he's been really sensible in his approach tbh.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum we actually did a break like this last year and all went well.

He was anal about crumbs. Insisted on a saucer for one biscuit in case of crumbs. Got upset over a few crumbs I could barely see. Maybe others feel the same - I don’t care because the mess is minimal and I hoover often anyway.

Don’t move in with him unless you want raised eyebrows sighs and the silent treatment every time you don’t live up to his standards

I think neither of you are ready for it yet to be honest. I think if you're going to live together you need to be able to find compromise, both need to work out what you need to take on board to keep your partner happy even if it's not something you would normally do, and which hills are really not worth dying over and how to let these go properly. And how to have these conversations honestly but tactfully. I think it's a silver lining that you're realising this now before you've moved in together though.

If this is the first conversation you've had about it then I think there needs to be many more. You need to be really really clear on what way you each envision living together looking like from small things like routines and responsibilities to bigger things like family, pets, in laws, money management and protection of assets etc.

If he has ASD he may be quite set in his ways and have a very clear routine that works well for him living alone so moving in with a partner will be a big step for you both. I would be inclined to both write down a list of worries you have to try and work through them with a solution focused mindset together. Either you'll be able to do it as a team or you won't. If you can't then I'd say your relationship isn't there yet.

Red flags!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Run for the hills.

As you’ve (belatedly) said, he’s on the spectrum. Clearly this is how it presents itself, judging it like he’s neurotypical is a bit strange.

We are planning to talk again next month and agree what the rules would be.

So if there’s loads that are unreasonable from his end I think that will tell me what I need to know. Im not uncompromising but I also need to be happy at home.

And right now I am.

throw this one back

The thing is though, who decides what is “unreasonable”?

Especially if he is ND. My nephew is ND and he has to be able to see all of his breakfast foods on display, all the time, or he won’t be able to eat them in the morning. If that was your partner then that would make his demand that the Weetabix, Coco Pops, Frosties, Bread & Crepes were all on the bench all the time. You might see that as unreasonable, but he won’t see it that way- it’s essential for his day to day life.

The same with the light switch, my nephew cannot stand to see something broken. He would not be able to sleep at night if his light switch was broke, or if he knew one in his house was broken. He fixates on things and everything has to be perfect so he would really resonate with your partner and he could not live with someone who could happily leave something broken for months. So his rule could be that all broken things are fixed immediately- you’re going to say that’s unreasonably but again, to him, that is actually an essential rule for his own wellbeing.

Ok you said he's autistic, so he's likely looking at this in a very clinical way rather than a romantic one and that's just how his brain works. If that doesn't work for you then I would end it now because he can't change who he fundamentally is.
However, you could discuss it with him and explain that you aren't looking at it as a list of pros and cons, but if he wants to discuss these things you can work out together how you would approach them. This is the kind of conversation you'll need to have often if you stay with him.
For example, he might agree that he will always dry the dishes because he doesn't like them left. You might agree on how to approach work needing doing and how to prioritise it against finances.
It sounds like he needs his environment to be a particular way, which is common for autistic people, and is worried that the way you live (which there's nothing wrong with) is going to cause him discomfort. That's a huge part of being autistic.
Maybe you could learn more about being autistic so you can understand him better?

He sounds nuts

My SIL lived with a broken toilet for nearly 3 years before she pulled her finger out and got it fixed. I wonder what your bf would make of that. 😆

Living together is a big deal. Might be hard for the first few months as you both get used to each others quirks and ‘faults’
I would suggest trying it out with him still having a home to return to incase it doesn’t work as you don't want to be stuck with this man and having him stay out of pity and guilt of throwing him out.

But…IMO I think you need to think hard before following through with this if a broken switch and drip dry dishes is the top of his concerns list. You should thrash it all out before taking the plunge. Relationships are about give and take on both sides. He needs to understand that an make it quite clear that’s the last time he compares you to his ex.

Did his ex never lift a finger or does he have ridiculously high standards that you might never be able to meet and you've only heard his interpretation of things?

Noooooo, don't move in with him. I moved in with someone like this and, insidiously, it gradually began to set the tone for the whole of our relationship. He didn't point things out a lot, or act unreasonable when he 'noticed' I'd done something 'my way' instead of his, but the fact that I always felt like he was quietly appraising things I did and didn't do was very unnerving, and I ended up feeling like I was always potentially falling short of expectation and had his little voice in my head whenever I did something he would have done differently. If I mentioned it, he was all: "I only mentioned X once 3 weeks ago, I don't think that was over the top? Can't I have standards too?" It killed the relationship. Urgh.

@Cornoffthecob one thing I’ve suggested is that I work hybrid (2 days in office) and he is often able to come here from Fri-Mon we could live between both homes for a period of months, doing with agreed rules in mind. So after my 2 days in the office, I’m with him the rest of the week, and he does the same at mine for a while.

Not sure if that would be close enough to living together but it’s something I’ve considered. I’d want us to live together properly by next year if it goes ok.

OH no, I just couldn't. Can't put clothes worn close to the skin back in the wardrobe as they need to air and not contaminate the other clothes. It would also be extremely wasteful to be washing them directly because he can't cope with them being on a chair. It would have to be live and let live.

Don't OP, just don't move in with him. He's already criticising how you live In Your Own Place! You will be unhappy, he will up the demands and you will never be up to his standards at all. Tell him to bugger off to Stepford and find yourself a human being.