Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

464 replies

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 18:58

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 21:05

To me it’s weird because everything feels
smooth when we stay with each other. We both take turns cooking, the place is tidy when he comes and vice versa.

these feel like odd hills to die on.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 31/03/2025 21:07

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 21:05

To me it’s weird because everything feels
smooth when we stay with each other. We both take turns cooking, the place is tidy when he comes and vice versa.

these feel like odd hills to die on.

They are odd to me too, but I guess this is his way of telling you they are hills he’d die on.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 31/03/2025 21:10

All I will say OP is do you want to be happy? If the answer is yes than run a mile. You're supposed to be in the lovey dovey honeymoon phase where you can do no wrong. If he is already being critical before you've even moved in together you need to run for the hills. He will make your life a misery and ruin your self esteem. Noone is perfect and you need to find someone who isn't so picky. I bet he is one of them who never do anything wrong and will never allow you to be right about anything either if it means he is in the wrong. God I hate men. 🙄

Iizzyb · 31/03/2025 21:12

It's very different living with someone all the time compared to holidays and weekends. To be honest I'd say when someone tells you who they are, listen. I wish I had. It was incredibly hard. Also if he is autistic you may find he takes you by surprise with things sometimes - stuff you couldn't imagine, frankly.

It was only when we were together for a while that he finally showed me who he actually was - not a bad person, for sure, but where my priorities were home, family, fun, he spent his time fighting against the world and worrying about politics, often foreign politics whereas I was just worrying about how to stop him doing the washing & ruining my clothes

PsychoHotSauce · 31/03/2025 21:13

This whole conversation started because we are deciding to have kids or not and feel we need to live together way before we can reach that stage. I said I was on the fence but want to keep the kids option on the table, he now says he wants to.

Have I misread this? You said you weren't sure about kids, and he said he wants to have kids? If so, is he playing some stupid tit for tat like 'oh, you're not sure if you want to have kids with me? well, I'm not sure I want to live with YOU because umm, you leave dishes to air dry instead of drying them immediately?'

Apologies if I've misinterpreted your post, I am shattered tonight! Smile

Calliopespa · 31/03/2025 21:13

DollydaydreamTheThird · 31/03/2025 21:10

All I will say OP is do you want to be happy? If the answer is yes than run a mile. You're supposed to be in the lovey dovey honeymoon phase where you can do no wrong. If he is already being critical before you've even moved in together you need to run for the hills. He will make your life a misery and ruin your self esteem. Noone is perfect and you need to find someone who isn't so picky. I bet he is one of them who never do anything wrong and will never allow you to be right about anything either if it means he is in the wrong. God I hate men. 🙄

I dont totally disagree except I’d say that the nd people I know were less lovey dovey and more upfront with their partners early on. It may be this is as bad as it gets. Or it may not…

FrozenFeathers · 31/03/2025 21:14

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 20:30

We are planning to talk again next month and agree what the rules would be.

So if there’s loads that are unreasonable from his end I think that will tell me what I need to know. Im not uncompromising but I also need to be happy at home.

And right now I am.

Compromise is a two way street. If he is giving his demands and your doing all the "compromising" then it's not much of a relationship.

And whatever his parents are like or whatever his ex was like is not your problem. Don't move in with him. Keep dating him like you have been, if you want. But I think I would throw this one back and look for someone more compatible to taking the next step with.

godmum56 · 31/03/2025 21:15

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 20:51

This whole conversation started because we are deciding to have kids or not and feel we need to live together way before we can reach that stage. I said I was on the fence but want to keep the kids option on the table, he now says he wants to.

Now I almost regret saying anything even if it meant just living apart without kids. The relationship was perfect before. The genie is out of the bottle.

Edited

if there was a bottle with a genie in it, it would have come out sooner or later.....better sooner!

Kdubs1981 · 31/03/2025 21:17

DO NOT move in with him. If this is him now, god help you. You are not compatible

TunnocksOrDeath · 31/03/2025 21:17

Personally I think air-drying is a lot more hygienic because after the first few items, a slightly-damp a tea towel doesn't get things properly dry, so everything gets put away with a thin trace of water on. I have friends who insist on drying and putting away immediately and ALL of them have musty-smelly cupboards.
That aside... If you have different views on what's 'right', you'll might be uncomfortable living with each other. He'll be biting his tongue, and you'll be walking on eggshells, just to maintain a polite negotiated compromise.

Dweetfidilove · 31/03/2025 21:17

Your home keeping standards don't align. At least he's been upfront, so you can give him a swerve.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 31/03/2025 21:19

Don't move in ... he should have sorted the light and dried the pots!

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 31/03/2025 21:19

I imagine having to wrangle children so they and their surroundings maintain the required standard of neatness would be stressful, particularly if it was seen as 'your' job.

I'm not much of a one for romance but this is vaulting over the young love stage completely and arriving way too soon at middle-aged long-married bickering over trivia.

Thepossibility · 31/03/2025 21:20

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 20:51

This whole conversation started because we are deciding to have kids or not and feel we need to live together way before we can reach that stage. I said I was on the fence but want to keep the kids option on the table, he now says he wants to.

Now I almost regret saying anything even if it meant just living apart without kids. The relationship was perfect before. The genie is out of the bottle.

Edited

There is a massive ongoing thread on MN about supporting people with partners with ASD that I think you should read before you commit to anything.

Lourdes12 · 31/03/2025 21:21

Maybe he doesn't want to live together and he's finding excuses

Original poster
GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 21:21

@OutwiththeOutCrowd I don’t disagree.

Hes actually very romantic day to day. Last time I ran a bath at his I went to get in and had a glass of wine waiting!

We also just had a great weekend at a gallery and then bar hopping. Great sex. Also deep conversations and support each other. He helped me through a recent bereavement. So much is good.

But then there’s these horrible staid conversations about rules and next steps.

OP posts:
Plantmother71 · 31/03/2025 21:22

He sounds a bit of an arsehole - what’s stopping him offering to help fix the light?

I read once that’s it’s more hygienic to let pots drip dry so I rinse under hot water and let them be on the draining board.

But it’s small stuff like this that causes resentment in a relationship so it’s best you find out now.

I can’t decide if he’s being open, or trying to control you and bend you to what he wants you to be. I was married to a man like this and it got worse, and I’d receive silent treatment when I didn’t run the house as he wanted. Fuck that - never again!

alwayslearning789 · 31/03/2025 21:23

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 20:51

This whole conversation started because we are deciding to have kids or not and feel we need to live together way before we can reach that stage. I said I was on the fence but want to keep the kids option on the table, he now says he wants to.

Now I almost regret saying anything even if it meant just living apart without kids. The relationship was perfect before. The genie is out of the bottle.

Edited

He can't deal with biscuit crumbs.

Kids are a whole other kettle of fish when it comes to mess.

outerspacepotato · 31/03/2025 21:23

How long have the two of you been together?

He's seen things that need to be addressed? And they're stupid shit that affects nothing?

Oh, boy.

He's hypercritical and nitpicks small details.

He will be like this with children. They will never live up to his extreme standards and they will feel constantly judged and falling short. Sort of like you feel now. A hypercritical parent is a good way to create an anxious child.

You two are not a good fit.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/03/2025 21:25

Sheldon's got a list.
Move on.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 21:26

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 31/03/2025 21:19

Don't move in ... he should have sorted the light and dried the pots!

No he shouldn't be drying pots that someone else has left to air dry! She doesn't want time wasted on an unnecessary task or little bits of tea towel on her dishes. Who'd be washing all those tea towels afterwards? When in Rome you do as the Romans!

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 31/03/2025 21:26

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 21:21

@OutwiththeOutCrowd I don’t disagree.

Hes actually very romantic day to day. Last time I ran a bath at his I went to get in and had a glass of wine waiting!

We also just had a great weekend at a gallery and then bar hopping. Great sex. Also deep conversations and support each other. He helped me through a recent bereavement. So much is good.

But then there’s these horrible staid conversations about rules and next steps.

Edited

Maybe you have to spell out how he's making you feel at times when he is trying to control things too much. I believe that it can be helpful to be very straightforward with partners on the spectrum as they genuinely don't want to make you feel bad.

TwoShades1 · 31/03/2025 21:27

Seems reasonable to me, from what you have described you wouldn’t be well suited to living with me. If these things are important to him (however trivial they seem to you) then surely it better to talk about it now than move in together and have terrible arguments about everyday occurrences.

winter8090 · 31/03/2025 21:28

Petty.
So quick to criticise the light switch but has he offered to help to fix it?

Petra42 · 31/03/2025 21:29

@GlorificusT is he ASD? In my case my partner would leave stuff out or not get something fixed. I get stuff sorted quickly and couldn't live in a mess. I just dont live with my partner and accept that's how he is. It's interesting that yours has opted to mention it. I would wonder whether he's ASD. Personally I'd feel like if he's flagging relatively small things now rather than just helping, then it's a sign that he will end up critical in the future without sorting stuff out