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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

464 replies

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 18:58

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb60 · 31/03/2025 23:28

No, No, and NO Do not move in with him.
whatever you do, say or think will be wrong in his eyes eventually.
He could also show a controlling side.

FartingAgainstThunder · 31/03/2025 23:29

I'm torn on this one.
He's went about it in very much the wrong way, But I think it's a good idea to establish expectations before you agree to live together and come to an agreed compromise or continue to live separately.

Dishes is an easy one, you wash, he dries, problem solved.

I wish I'd had this type of conversation prior to (now) DH moving in, He's a messy fucker and it drives me demented.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 31/03/2025 23:31

Hé doesn’t want to move in with you. That’s all.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 31/03/2025 23:34

Haven't rtft and someone else has probably already mentioned it...

Leaving dishes to dry all by themselves on the drainer is more hygienic than drying them with a tea towel.

BunnyLake · 31/03/2025 23:49

Don’t live with him! I put up with a bf like that for six years and I had to leave in the end as he was decimating my self esteem and confidence, criticising every petty thing he felt I didn't do properly (incl. slicing bread, slicing cheese, polishing, hoovering - all up for his unasked for critique). Nitpicking at someone can really affect their MH. Please just don't do it.

Jumpingthruhoops · 01/04/2025 00:06

Don't do it OP. If he's nit-picking about these things now, he'll undoubtedly be moaning about much, much more once you actually start living together. It would be a no from me...

NSA2103 · 01/04/2025 00:12

Move on.

You likely need an electrician for a broken light switch, not a joiner.

theprincessthepea · 01/04/2025 01:01

Ironically I’m the messy one and my partner is the neat one - he is very domestic which I love but I’m a little scatty - and so when we spoke about moving in I’m the one that mentioned that he will have a hard time living with me because his flat was super neat and mine is … umm… lived in - clean but like you I might have a light out for a little while and he dries his washing whilst I leave it out.

Although I think it’s very different if you were to to address it first - but I think it’s normal for him to notice these differences in living - the same way I noticed that my partner was neat. It just means when living together we have abit of a routine - however I never feel judged - it’s a little different as we’ve had a baby recently and whilst I was doing a lot of the main stuff on May leave, he would come in after work and just clean up. So I appreciate that he doesn’t keep tabs.

If he cares about these things then tell him if the light goes out he is in charge of changing it and he can be in washing duty.

m I hope you do find a middle ground - I get it can be deflating but it’s best to address these issues now rather than passive aggressively.

Yellowsunbeams · 01/04/2025 01:19

I just would feel that he had a list of my faults that he was going to be "working up" to tell me about. I would feel very uneasy. Is he going to be paying "rent" to cover wear and tear or is he planning just to split the bills? I don't think I'd be interested in continuing the relationship. His being on the spectrum does not excuse this sort of behaviour either - I know many people who are and they don't behave like this. I have a dishwasher but I understand air drying is more hygienic than using a tea towel which can harbour bacteria.

JMSA · 01/04/2025 01:27

I disagree with the posters who, in true Mumsnet style, are annihilating him.
It’s so much better to have an open and honest conversation about these things BEFORE moving in. And if the dealbreakers are too much or too unfair, the OP can decide if she wants to continue the relationship.

cranberryshortcake · 01/04/2025 01:27

An unfixed light switch for three months would really annoy me.
But the dishes thing is stupid.

It sounds like living with him will be really stressful for you. You have a more laid back attitude to your living environment than he does, so there will be lots of little things that you are happy to leave as-is that he wants you to do something about. This will probably make you both feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Lyannaa · 01/04/2025 01:30

It would be sensible not to start living with him. He sounds unreasonably critical. Imagine what this could do to your mental health?

coxesorangepippin · 01/04/2025 01:31

Lol

He can go fuck himeslf can't he

Talk about a red flag

'addressed'

😂

Walkden · 01/04/2025 02:14

"He could have paid for someone to fix the light fitting and dried the dishes himself, but he didn't"

Except the op has already said she is the wealthy one and he is the poorer partner who "rents" instead of "owns"....

If the sexes were reversed and the op was worrying about ended up stuck with the DIY, plus domestic chores and "mental loads" I imagine the responses would be somewhat different

PointsSouth · 01/04/2025 02:27

Mrsttcno1 · 31/03/2025 20:57

See you can see even just on this thread that people are divided over this though, showing he is not the only one who feels this way.

Some people aren’t bothered about clean dishes left out overnight, some people would see the dishes being out- even clean ones- as a messy kitchen.

Show quote history

You may want to sit down for this….

Some of us are quite happy to leave the washing up till tomorrow.

mathanxiety · 01/04/2025 02:49

bevm72yellow · 31/03/2025 23:24

He is testing you to see if you meet his standards at all times. What are your standards for him e.g. no debt, no boozy mates staying over, no family coming to stay unless preplanned weeks in advance, no watching TV or mobile phones during a cooked meal, no putting things on credit........take aways once per month only........priorities for you with money were washing machine over light switch ( fair enough) . Also if moving in together you must be on tenancy or mortgage together ( fair/ equal)

Most of all, he's testing to see if the OP is willing to accept his right to criticise her.

mantlepiece · 01/04/2025 03:15

Times have changed and I’m pleased I’m not dating in this modern world.
I met my husband 46 years ago, in the July, engaged by Christmas and married the following summer. We were in love, wanted to be together.

yes he had habits that were not to my taste, but when I pointed them out he addressed them because he loved me. If he left toothpaste in the sink or wasn’t pulling his weight I would tell him. He would make sure he listened and acted! He loves me, he wants to make me happy.

same for me, I couldn’t imagine living any other life and we have had a good one so if he irritates me I take a deep breath and find a way of dealing with it that doesn’t hurt him, because I love him.

Are young people thinking of marrying each other on a transactional basis? Sort of, we get on, he earns ok, he pick his socks up off the floor?
I really think if you’re going to marry someone you should be head over heels in love and therefore be there for each other through thick and thin. You need that for the challenges life throws at you.

Petra42 · 01/04/2025 04:50

@GlorificusT I read more of your thread and saw you mentioned him being on the spectrum. My partner is too. I would seriously consider whether this is someone you want to have children with. Kids are a whole load of mess and could he actually manage this. Mine lives in some mess because he hasn't got round to doing stuff in years plus has other areas where it has to be done just so, otherwise it stresses him. Im not allowed to help so im just left there sitting! It's all about being ND and having that set routine/lack of flexibility.

It also sounds like your relationship is something he is going through in his head, like a tick box so he isn't going to rush into anything anyway so again, keep in mind if you are considering children with anyone. Don't let them waste your child bearing years.

I get it, mine is lovely and adores me but we also don't live together/have kids, and so it works. But add those into the mix and I doubt it would work at all.

TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 05:14

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 20:27

@Unexpectedlysinglemum we actually did a break like this last year and all went well.

He was anal about crumbs. Insisted on a saucer for one biscuit in case of crumbs. Got upset over a few crumbs I could barely see. Maybe others feel the same - I don’t care because the mess is minimal and I hoover often anyway.

Woah woah woah! DON'T have kids with him! Can you imagine how miserable he'd make their life if he makes you have a saucer for one biscuit?!?? He truly sounds psychopathic! This is a warning. Personally I would have fallen out of love at that point. I'd get rid, I would. You can do so much better than this manipulative and controlling nutjob. But, if you do want to keep seeing him, keep separate homes and don't stay over his. Christ, no one has time in life for all this hard work. And, I'd really like to hear his ex's point of view on her 'doing nothing'. I bet it's different.

TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 05:19

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 20:51

This whole conversation started because we are deciding to have kids or not and feel we need to live together way before we can reach that stage. I said I was on the fence but want to keep the kids option on the table, he now says he wants to.

Now I almost regret saying anything even if it meant just living apart without kids. The relationship was perfect before. The genie is out of the bottle.

Edited

we are deciding to have kids or not

Does a loud horrified internal SCREAM! No! No no no NO NO NO!!!! Do NOT ever, ever have kids with this nut, you know he will make them MISERABLE!! No crumbs anywhere, a saucer for a solitary biscuit, no friends over. Crucified for any spills. For fack sake, NNOOOOOOOOOO! He'd need a lot of serious therapy before I'd ever accept him as a potential father.

SapphireSeptember · 01/04/2025 06:35

manysausages · 31/03/2025 22:24

I detest dishes being left on the draining board. Seeing them there will put me in terrible mood. It’s so much easier to dry and put away when the dishes are warm from the hot water. And I HATE picking up cold, wet cutlery from a draining board. I wouldn’t be able to live with someone who left them either.

I think it’s a good idea to think about what you can tolerate and what you can compromise on before you make the leap.

I have a little cutlery drainer, so mine aren't cold and wet. I also have a dish rack for drying things on. Can't be bothered with drying things after washing up.

BusyMum47 · 01/04/2025 06:52

ThisUniqueDreamer · 31/03/2025 19:00

YANBU

Those are minor things.

He can fucking well live alone, then, can't he.

This! ⬆️ What a dick.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 01/04/2025 07:40

I honestly can't believe that there are people who will end a decent relationship because of cutlery and plates on a rack for an hour or two, before it's put away.

Have you got nothing else to worry you. Clearly, none of you have children because when you do just look at the state of your house.

Emerald95 · 01/04/2025 07:48

I think your partner is right to want to address expectations before moving in. So many relationships fail because of poor communication around non negotiables. Make a list of what you both need to feel comfortable and see if living together works for you before you end up with an expensive and messy break up

LadyIce2 · 01/04/2025 08:27

Sounds like a control freak- you are not his landlady!