Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

There’s a real fine line between what is acceptable and ott. Relationships take compromise if it annoys him he can help! I would be wary how much he is expecting you to do. However I know my dp has a different level of house cleaning to me! Think bachelor pad, I would have a cleaner if I lived with him. There are always solutions but it’s whether your bf can compromise.

When I said I’d happily have a cleaning schedule he sounded happier.

he then offered he enjoys cleaning bathrooms (um ok) so he would be happy always being responsible for that room for example. It was a start.

@GlorificusT I think you can do better in terms of compatibility- he sounds somewhat OCD and his behaviour would personally put me on edge and make me feel old before my time- I realise some people can’t help this if they are ND and doesn’t make them awful - but I wouldn’t want a romantic /live in relationship personally with anyone as rigid as this -

Stuff like this will wear you to a nub OP. Honestly.

With this sort of mindset, everything you do will get up his nose.

I detest dishes being left on the draining board. Seeing them there will put me in terrible mood. It’s so much easier to dry and put away when the dishes are warm from the hot water. And I HATE picking up cold, wet cutlery from a draining board. I wouldn’t be able to live with someone who left them either.

I think it’s a good idea to think about what you can tolerate and what you can compromise on before you make the leap.

Leaving dishes to dry is much healthier than using tea towel.

If anything my thread has revealed this dish divide is not uncommon!

Live by yourself and do things your own way. He can do likewise.

Wouldn't he be more of a gentleman if he decided to fix the light switch and if you do dishes he dries them?

He saw the light fitting broke months ago, but didn't offer to help. Lovely.
Talking about things that would drive him nuts, like not putting washing up away, is something that should be spoken about.
If he can't live like that you need to know beforehand.
From what you've said he doesn't sound excited.

I know. Just preference. We are all different. I wouldn’t be able to relax going to bed leaving dishes drying. My kitchen has to be nice, clean & tidy (to me, that means everything put away) before I go to bed. It’s a nice sight in the morning 😀

He saw the light fitting broke months ago, but didn't offer to help. Lovely.

The OP said it needs a joiner.

When you find yourself on the wrong train, don't hesitate to get off. The longer you stay on, the more difficult and expensive the journey back.

It sounds at he comes at things with the assumption that he’s in the right. Not ‘I prefer to teatowel rather than air dry’, but with an assumption that his way is the best way. Does he come at other things with an assumption that he (the man) is correct? How does he get on with your mates?

You mentioned he is on the spectrum, so this may just be a rules based challenge for him. Moving will be a big change and he will be naturally needing to try to make things the same as he currently experiences in his main home. I totally get how frustrating this is for you and that you feel tested. Maybe speak to him about that but also show some empathy about whether he actually is ready for such a big change. Talk to him about which of his rules are more flexible as living together successfully will take more give and take that he might like - but you also have needs here to meet, so some compromise is always going to be needed. He may well prefer to do all the dishes etc. This also may be why his ex didn’t do much at home as it was hard to meet his rules which may have been too exacting and easier to just let him do everything his way. I’d slow the pace of this move right down whilst you both figure this out and trial some compromises.

I never dry the dishes - I find it less hygienic.

But he sounds like he would be super anal to live with. I would not live with him.

Tell him you only want to live with him so he can fix things and dry the dishes properly, and then just run.

Everyone has slightly different standards to their partner. I think you have to move in together to know if you're compatible or not. Condescending attitudes do annoy me. I bet though, if you moved in with your BF, you'll both discover he's not as on top of everything as he thinks he is and there'll be some satisfaction in pointing it out.

eg My DH told me he frequently mops the kitchen (once every few months) and I never mop. I pointed out that almost every day I wipe around the kitchen floor with wet paper towels to pick up all the dropped food which is essentially the same thing. He obviously has never brought it up again.

Also, I leave the dishes to air dry but my DH prefers to towel dry. We don't have any arguments about it. I try and do his preference but don't always. I wash more dishes because I hate food-caked stuff on the bench but it's also not fair that I wash AND dry everything. DH knows he has to put up with some air-drying or do more dishes himself.

Ring on finger and date set first otherwise this level of judgement not appr. Sounds like you have a doer and washer upper. Can be handy

Nope do t do it. If he’s compiling a list of your wrongdoings already it will be a hundred times worse once you live in together and you will end up always on edge in your own home waiting for him to pick fault. Big red flag if he is like this already and been compiling a list!

This sounds very cold and transactional. Like a business deal, not couple in love who adore each other! He sounds like he's interviewing you for a housekeeper role.

Do not live with this man it will be awful. For people to live together they need to be chill. Obviously sensible discussions about splitting cleaning and chores need to be had. But if right off the bat someone has very specific uptight ideas... let me tell you from experience they will be absolute Hell to live with.

I think he is right to mention what bothers him,he did say he happy to move to next step.im sure you have a few pre conceived ideas also that you maybe expressed or are yet to do so..

Definitely don't have kids with him if he can't cope with crumbs or things being broken and left while you handle more important things.

Kids are messy, it's impossible to keep a clean home without wearing yourself thin, and still make space for a relationship.

Kids also break things. It's just a natural part of their exploration of the world.

Cleaning schedules go out of the window.

And that's once the kid is born. If you have a difficult pregnancy your standards will drop because you'll be in survival mode.

I am not calling him a bad man.

I am an autistic woman and I have to have things a certain way, and there were so many changes I was not prepared for that it destroyed my mental health being pregnant, sick, unable to keep to my routines and schedules, not realising how much of a sensory nightmare all things baby can be in the early days... It takes a toll on your partner too.

You can't just suddenly stop being autistic because you have a child. You can't suddenly stop having black and white thinking, mental rigidity and inflexibility, sensory issues, communication issues or develop an ability to remain zen in situations that cause emotional dysregulation.

I'm really sorry to be blunt OP.

I can't tell you how down I have felt at the dissolution of my relationships because the criticisms I've received have been because of things I can't control like my rigid thinking, even though I can still empathise and understand how difficult it can be to live with.

If you do decide to move in together make sure you always have a place to go to if it doesn't work out.

Never have kids with this man. Babies are noisy and sometimes smelly. Toddlers are messy and wilful. They will have no regard for his rules.

He is testing you to see if you meet his standards at all times. What are your standards for him e.g. no debt, no boozy mates staying over, no family coming to stay unless preplanned weeks in advance, no watching TV or mobile phones during a cooked meal, no putting things on credit........take aways once per month only........priorities for you with money were washing machine over light switch ( fair enough) . Also if moving in together you must be on tenancy or mortgage together ( fair/ equal)